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Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

An old guy was driving with his wife when he got pulled over by a female cop. The cop came to his window and said,” Sir, did you know you were speeding?" The guy was hard of hearing so he turned to his wife and asked, "What did she say?" The wife said, "SHE SAID YOU WERE SPEEDING." The cop said, "License please." The guy looked at his wife and asked, "What'd she say?" The wife said,” LICENSE, SHE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The guy gave the cop his license. The cop looked at the license and said, "OH, I see you're from Georgia. I used to date a guy from Georgia. He was ok to be with, but he was lousy in bed." The guy turned to his wife again and asked, "What'd she say?" The wife said, "SHE SAYS THAT SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS YOU."

2006-09-01 08:14:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

0

A reasent stuudi haz chown that peepel woo ar amezing in bedd ar veri bad at spalling!
Only a joke (debateable) but hey it's friday.

2006-09-01 08:03:00 · 20 answers · asked by Platinum 3

lookin for a good punchline. best one wins.

2006-09-01 07:52:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

think about it

2006-09-01 07:49:14 · 10 answers · asked by Somebody 2

2006-09-01 07:40:22 · 4 answers · asked by humorme! 3

What was black and now is white, no longer has a nose, and did young boys wrongly?

2006-09-01 07:30:34 · 9 answers · asked by DeeVee D. Essemar 5

A priest was playing baseball on a team with other piests.
The local nuns had come to watch the game

Father Jones had just taken his position at the plate; the ball was pitched, Father Jones swung with all his might, but the ball just missed the bat

"S**t," he said, "I had that one"
"Father, please watch your language, or God may strike you down" said Sister Tracy.

The next pitch was thrown, Father Jones swung again, and missed again.

"S**t, almost had that one" he said
"Father, please wacth your language, or God may strike you down!!" said Sister Tracy again

The third pitch was thrown and Father almost hit it yet again, but missed.

"S**t, I struck out, and that would have been a home run too"
"Father, I plead with you, please watch your language"

Just then, the sky clouded up, and the Heavens opened up.
A bolt of lightning came down from the sky and zapped Sister Tracy dead.

From above you could hear, "S**t, I missed"




The

2006-09-01 07:28:50 · 13 answers · asked by Kremer 4

10 pts for the best funny txt message uve sent or recieved

2006-09-01 07:26:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a bunch of spermies just chillin, hanging out. They start picking on one of them because he's so slow. "yeah, you're so slow the post office won't hire you!". The dude gets pissed, so he buys himself a motocycle.
Well, after a few days, the spermies start getting all wryled up because the human was having sex. The are all gettin excited and are ready to launch. The slow spermie, relaxed, put on his boots. Then he puts on his gloves. And finally, he puts on his helmet. BLAST OFF! all the spermies take off. He's gets on his bike, turns it on.. VROOM VROOM. and takes off like hell. He goes flying by his buddis and they all cheer him on. He give them a thumbs up as he hauls @ss. "Go! Go!" they cheer.

2006-09-01 07:15:41 · 15 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

I was just wondering since I've been eating them raw all this time.

2006-09-01 07:07:44 · 6 answers · asked by cormelmat 3

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE ******* DISHES”

Comments

Joke: The Fortune TellerAugust 27, 2006 at 1:08 pm · Filed under Jokes

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

“Will I be acquitted?”

2006-09-01 07:01:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,
The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"
*********
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

2006-09-01 07:00:35 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-09-01 06:59:29 · 9 answers · asked by Sky 2

so while interviewing at cold spring harbor last year, one of my interviewers just asked a riddle. it went something like this. how do you tell when 60 secs is up when all you have is a match, a candle and a piece of string. This was for a ph.d program and no one got it, have you guys ever heard of this one? and if so what the heck is the answer!!!!? Thanks.

2006-09-01 06:46:56 · 7 answers · asked by deus82 3

2006-09-01 06:41:33 · 29 answers · asked by trxr4kdz 5

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!"

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then?

When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he?

After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" he said, gleaming with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I ask ed.

"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.

"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son of a ***** asked, "What did you teach?"

2006-09-01 06:33:39 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-01 06:29:42 · 9 answers · asked by trxr4kdz 5

2006-09-01 06:15:41 · 3 answers · asked by Sandra 4

Who thinks i should play a little joke on my friend and my ex girlfriend who i hate by taking them to the mall, and acting real nice to my ex, and buying them something to eat, then while theyre eating i go back to the car and drive off and leave them stranded at the mall. Who thinks i should do that?

2006-09-01 06:06:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Carl is a butcher, He is 5 foot 11 inches - What does he weigh??

2006-09-01 06:04:22 · 9 answers · asked by schmushe 6

Hippo and Mrs Pilkinton think that Goose maybe pregnant. They're not sure but goose keeps feeling sick and eating strange things. Also, there has been a rather large gander hanging round the neighbourhood lately.

Mrs Pilkinton is beside herself with worry. Should she confront Goose or just hope this sorry mess goes away?

2006-09-01 05:58:35 · 9 answers · asked by markhatter 6

2006-09-01 05:39:25 · 19 answers · asked by truth_is_something_other 1

2

You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you
try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.

Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police

Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
A Nova seats 4

How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, they'll screw anything.

2006-09-01 05:38:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

little red riding hood is skipping merrily home when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. 'my, what big eyes you have, Mr. wolf,’ says little red riding hood. the wolf jumps up and runs away! further down the road little red riding hood see the wolf again. this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. ‘my, what big ears you have Mr. wolf,’ says little red riding hood. again the wolf jumps up and away. just near the driveway of her home, little red riding hood see the wolf again, this time crouched down behind her letter box. 'my, what big teeth you have Mr. wolf,’ taunts little red riding hood. with that the big bid wolf jumps up and yells furiously, ‘will you f*** off, I’m trying to take a s-h-I-t

2006-09-01 05:23:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

there is a single woman. And behind every successful woman, there are several exhausted men !

Pls post one of your two-liners as answers. Best one - 10 pts. Thanks

2006-09-01 05:13:21 · 16 answers · asked by easyboy 4

2006-09-01 05:12:23 · 5 answers · asked by loser24 1

2006-09-01 05:09:29 · 6 answers · asked by Win 4

Finish this old school riddle, 1st correct complete answer= 10 points!

2006-09-01 04:51:52 · 4 answers · asked by noggle4 2

Go to this website: http://www.sheerboredom.net/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=48

Now press the red button and try to find the little white button. If u find it, please tell me. First correct answer get 10 points.

2006-09-01 04:51:10 · 8 answers · asked by Haider Ayub 2

2006-09-01 04:49:21 · 10 answers · asked by hot_damn42 1

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