What's a good joke?

Question

someone give me a good joke.

Answer 1

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had
just
loaded my
favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish
the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and
said to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't
want
to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew
she
was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so
he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
condition,
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me,and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the **** would you say?

Answer 2

Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.

When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Answer 3

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

Answer 4

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Answer 5

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a
bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your
Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to
put you down, but my son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your
Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard
bodied, well-hung, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...." :)

Answer 6

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

Answer 7

an elephant steps on a thorn and little mouse happens to walk by, help me cries the elephant. he does and the elelphant says, anything you want for stopping my pain, thank you, the little mouse says yeah, i want my way with you, and he jumps up onto the elephant. just then, a monkey sees this and throws a cocanut at the elephant, hitting it on the head. ouch! cries the elephant.. and from behind screams the little mouse, Yeah take it all!

Answer 8

a woman took her duck to the doctor,the doc.said your duck is dead,that will be 20 dollars woman said, how do you know, you didnt exam.her so he called in a black ladador.dog shook his head and left. doc.said your duck is dead. woman said exam.her again so the doc. called in a cat the cat look at the duck and shook his head and left. the doctor said your duck is dead, that will be 150 dollars how can you charge me that much just to tell me my duck is dead. the doctor said it was just 20 dollar before the lab test and the cat scan. pay on your way out please!!!!!

Answer 9

A blind man walks in to the supermarket swinging his guide dog round his head.
The manager says "Can I help you,Sir?"

And the blind man says "No thanks, I’m just looking around."

Answer 10

what did the cheese say to the macoroni ?
where is the cheese ?
the cheese is right here!
no really you're the cheese wait a minute weres the other peice of cheese?
I burped it all out! lol and then the cheese some how turned black and coverd all of us with black cheese eat the cheese
now what do they do ? the end !