Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived to the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

2006-09-29 12:13:20 · 24 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

What do you call a lesbian with four girlfriends?

2006-09-29 12:05:40 · 10 answers · asked by Happyworms 4

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her.

Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results.

He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

2006-09-29 12:01:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

well, would you?

and how much would you pull? how would you know it's the 'right time' to give one? what would you do if i struggled during it/tried to get out?

2006-09-29 11:57:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

their knees

2006-09-29 11:55:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead

2006-09-29 11:47:00 · 17 answers · asked by ? 4

what's ur opinion about this joke?
what should the computer do when it feels hot?
open the windows

2006-09-29 11:44:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

...one finds a mirror on the floor, picks it up and looks at it, and says to her friend 'I recognise the girl in this picture!' the other blonde takes the mirror, looks in it, and replies 'of course you do silly - its me'!

2006-09-29 11:41:21 · 27 answers · asked by sarah p 1

sees 3 japanese buisness men wanking hard at the table,"what are you doin" she screams." we very hungry. we see sign in window. it say, 1st come 1st served.lol

2006-09-29 11:36:50 · 13 answers · asked by chris w. 7

please include the answer please!!

2006-09-29 11:35:13 · 5 answers · asked by Tigers Gal! 4

No kidding, it came up in a Yahoo! question and I'm not sure what it means? (Sorry, not even sure which section is right for this question)

2006-09-29 11:34:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a room full of blondes

2006-09-29 11:24:00 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 11:22:13 · 18 answers · asked by bob 2

the doorbell rang, well in my haste to answer it i tripped and fell all the way down and landed on the hoover. It raped me. if you get my meaning. i was in bed for a week after wards from my injuries. i'm not fully recovered but i'm picking up a lot better now, ha ha ha ha ha. picking up a lot better ( get it )

Hope it made you smile. Its not true so dont tell me to be more careful.

2006-09-29 11:06:09 · 13 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2006-09-29 11:05:44 · 22 answers · asked by dork n 1

2006-09-29 11:05:12 · 5 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2006-09-29 11:05:08 · 5 answers · asked by salsasavy 1

a pretty blonde goes out on a date to a carnival. after walking around for an hour the boy asks, 'what do you want to do now?'
I want a weigh,' she says. so they go over to the fortune scales and weigh her. they walk around a little more and the boy asks again, 'so what do you want to do now?'
'I want a weigh,' she says. again? the boy is puzzled, but takes her over to the fortune scales again. they both weigh themselves then go and grab some food
'now what?' asks the boy
'I want a weigh ,'says the girl
what a weirdo, thinks the boy. definitely too strange for me. he takes her over to the fortune scales again and she weighs herself for the third time, before he drives her home. as she walks into her house her sister asks, 'how was your date?'
'wousy.'

2006-09-29 11:00:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 10:57:05 · 4 answers · asked by mitch 1

ok ya'll listen this ain't a joke!! i hit one of my friends on da neck and guess what happened his head fell down i have no clue what da heck is goin on!!!!! please help!!!!! should i glue his head then put it back on his neck? or just leave him there and run like hell please urgent!!

2006-09-29 10:50:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 10:47:16 · 5 answers · asked by mitch 1

2006-09-29 10:41:59 · 9 answers · asked by mitch 1

2006-09-29 10:31:05 · 20 answers · asked by JimmieN 1

A Blonde's Golf Accident

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man as he's walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.
The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.

After a while one blonde asks if it feels better, and he says, "That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!"

2006-09-29 10:25:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Funny Business

A man is opening a restaurant and he asks one of his workers to come up with a name for it.
The man tells Al, one of his workers, that he will name the resaurant after the first thing Al sees when he goes out the door.

Al walks outside and the first thing he saw was a girl named Lucy and he saw her legs. He told the man, and so the restaurant was named Lucy's Legs. The man was so impressed that he said the next day Al could get a free drink.

The next day Al comes a bit early and a policeman walks by and notices Al waiting there. The policeman asks, "What are you doing?"

Al says, "I'm waiting for Lucy's legs to open so I can get a drink."

2006-09-29 10:20:32 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fatherly Explanation

Son (S): Why is making love so enjoyable?
Father (F): It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!!

S: Why do women enjoy sex more than men?
F: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped?
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else comes over and digs in your nose, do you like it??

S: Why can women not have sex when they are menstruating?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

S: Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making love?
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger?

S: Why is making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm?
F: The same as sneezing, but the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big d***s?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb?

2006-09-29 10:12:32 · 19 answers · asked by sylesh3 3

An old guy was sitting on his porch watching the world go by. One day, he sees George walked by with a roll of chicken wire under his arm. The old guy asked, "What ya doing with that chicken wire there George?"
George replies, "I got me some chicken wire and I am going to get me some chickens."
About an hour later George walks by with two chickens under his arm.
The next day George walks by again with a roll of duct tape under his arm. The old guy says, "Hey George. What ya doing with that there duct tape?"
George says, "I got me some duct tape and I'm going to get me some ducks."
Sure enough, about an hour later George comes by with two ducks under his arm.
The third day George comes by with a bunch of pu-ssy willows under his arm. The old man says, "Wait a minute George! I'm going with you!"

2006-09-29 09:51:33 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

I drank Vodka with water, I got DRUNK
I drank Whiskey with water, I got DRUNK
I drank Rum with water, I got DRUNK

I swear, I will never drink Water ever again!!!!!

2006-09-29 09:51:05 · 10 answers · asked by sylesh3 3

What the funniest name you have seen heard or known... I used to go to school with a girl named Crystal Ware....

2006-09-29 09:42:20 · 26 answers · asked by Jens 5

Get your mind out the gutter.
clue #1: Riding on me hard, may make the floor squeak.
clue #2: Wrap your legs around me for a better ride.

*Best answer to the first one with the right answer.*

2006-09-29 09:26:24 · 10 answers · asked by Nicole M 2