Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.





A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.





A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

2006-09-29 09:14:46 · 14 answers · asked by grant212021 4

2006-09-29 09:10:06 · 9 answers · asked by morroniac 2

Can you run up and down them while tipping your head from side to side with every step without having to touch the walls or the bannister rail?

Yeah, I know....

What can I say?
I'm pushing 40 and I'd still be sliding down the stairs on a tray if I could afford the time off work for injuries!

2006-09-29 09:08:13 · 24 answers · asked by Blackbird 2

2006-09-29 08:57:32 · 18 answers · asked by LoLa 3

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"
"Hickory dickory dock

2006-09-29 08:42:04 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

2006-09-29 08:34:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope

2006-09-29 08:31:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young girl went to see a doctor with her mom. She said to Doctor "Oh doctor there is a pain in stomach" Doctor said, "remove all your cloths and lay down on this table behind the curtain". The girl said "not me doctor, my mom".

Doc said "Ok mom show me your tounge"!!

2006-09-29 08:30:34 · 22 answers · asked by sony_sony 2

I was put in charge of games..but I have no idea what to do!!!!
What are some games you can play? We will be out and about...hitting bars...that type of thing.
Thanks in advance!!!!

2006-09-29 08:25:56 · 5 answers · asked by starrzfan 4

I didn't realise this was a sad occasion........

2006-09-29 08:16:36 · 6 answers · asked by StaceyMayBrown 2

2006-09-29 08:01:32 · 1 answers · asked by taylor-4 1

You're riding an elephant. There's a giraffe in front of you going the same speed, making it impossible to pass. Also, there's a kangaroo on your left - same speed, can't pass it. On your right is a steep cliff - if you fall, you die. Behind you is a rhino - of course, doing the same speed & there's no way around him. If you just stop, he'll trample you. How do you get out of this predicament?

(Answer is below...don't look if you don't want to know...)



























































































































































































































































Get your drunk a*s off the carousel!

2006-09-29 07:59:22 · 10 answers · asked by Grá 3

for example, this is one i really like

http://answers.yahoo.com/my/profile;_ylt=AhBRHzcI00iYMT9kPaoPp14ezKIX?show=049c8d519379f749516ba06ade5d7aa4aa

2006-09-29 07:53:12 · 10 answers · asked by Wilson Wilson 3

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a COUNT?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

2006-09-29 07:45:34 · 28 answers · asked by Pd 6

A Tom Cruiser.

2006-09-29 07:42:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please point a link..

for example: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8558157251636413169&q=my+cubicle

If you work in a cube (like me) you will like it.

2006-09-29 07:34:06 · 3 answers · asked by Wilson Wilson 3

Longer and stronger than the previous, http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtpMKbJGSfZUrIYyElow45zsy6IX?qid=20060928085045AAH04Ej

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
3. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
6. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
7. Answer their questions with questions.
8. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
9. Ask if they’ll accept your BP gas card.
10. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
11. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
12. Change your accent every three seconds.
(continued in additional details)

2006-09-29 07:22:20 · 9 answers · asked by Wilson Wilson 3

1)Grimace painfull while smacking your forehead and mutter: ' Shut up dangit, all of you just shut up! '

2)On the highest floor, hold the doors open and demand that they stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go ' plink ' '


3)Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, then announce, ' I've got new socks on! '


4)Jump up and down like a five year old and giggle every time the elevator stops.


5)When the elevator is quiet look around and ask, ' Is that your beeper? '


6)Stand silent and motionless in a corner facing the wall, without getting off.


7)Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passangers that this is your 'personal space'


8)Meow occasionally


9)Stare at one of the passangers for a while then announce, ' your one of THEM !' and move to the far corner.


10)When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to open the doors then act embarrassed when the open up themselves.

2006-09-29 07:06:52 · 27 answers · asked by Wilson Wilson 3

well this is a joke,from small days.......

a girl was on the beach and saw a man sun tanning and ask him what is that [pointing to his penis] shunning her off,said a bird.


hours aftre he woke up in the er,wanting to know why he is there ,asked a doctor.what i am doing here.the doctor said don't ask me ask that girl over there.
so the man called her over and ask.what happened.
she reply,

well mista ,i was playing with your bird and he spit on me.

so i i
broke his neck ,crushed his eggs and burned down his nest.

2006-09-29 06:31:20 · 12 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

hole, 'that looks deep' one says. Then they decide to see just how deep it is by throwing some small pebbles down, they hear nothing, so they both go and find some slightly larger stones, again they hear nothing, this time they both decide to find the biggest stone they can, after struggling bringing it to the hole, they give one all mighty push and toss the stone in, silence. As they give up and set off, disappointed, a goat goes running past them and throws itself down the hole. Amazed they look down the hole, and the next minute a farmer appears 'have you seen my goat around here boys'? ' they both look at each other ' well, we've just seen one run up and throw itself down that hole' farmer says' no that won't be mine, mine was tied up to a rock'

2006-09-29 06:27:29 · 23 answers · asked by Yokay Booboo 3

7 men of good design,made a pu$$y so divine.1st a butcher full of wit,used a kife and made a slit.
2nd a carpenter big & bold, used a drill to bore a hole.
3rd a tailor tall & thin used red velvet to line it in.
4th a hunter short and stout, used fox fur to line it out.
5th a fisherman nasty as hell, threw in a fish and give it a smell.
6th a vicar name of mcgee, felt it and blessed it & said it could pee
7th a sailor a dirty old runt,sucked it and *ucked it & called it a *unt

2006-09-29 06:16:39 · 28 answers · asked by marie c 1

2006-09-29 06:16:39 · 5 answers · asked by Melissa C 5

2006-09-29 06:08:51 · 26 answers · asked by -:¦:-SKY-:¦:- 7

2006-09-29 06:07:47 · 11 answers · asked by Melissa C 5

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, the barman says "that would be 1 cents" "One cents, and how much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" The barman say " that would be 5 cents" and the man ask, "where is the owner of this place" The barman replies "Oh he's next door with my wife". "What is he doing next door with your wife?" asked the man. The barman replies "the samething that I'm doing to his business right now"

Rate plz!!

2006-09-29 06:04:51 · 11 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

2006-09-29 05:46:39 · 21 answers · asked by swift swift 2

Because mad cow disease was already taken.

2006-09-29 05:42:24 · 7 answers · asked by LAUGHING MAGPIE 6

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....






A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This
went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.



He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"





She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked.



She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!"



"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and
said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."





He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"



She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.





She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards

2006-09-29 05:22:59 · 20 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

39.Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
40.Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
41.Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
42.Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
43.Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?
44.Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
45.If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
46.How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
47.Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
48.Can you cry under water?
49.364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged Why is that ?
50.why is it that someone says head up when they mean for you to duck?

2006-09-29 05:19:16 · 8 answers · asked by baby 2

25.How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?
26.If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want?
27.If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
28.If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
29.Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?
30.stop looking its not in there
31.Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?
32.Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?
33.Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
34.Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
35.If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
36.If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
37.If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
38.Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

2006-09-29 05:18:41 · 5 answers · asked by baby 2