Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

a farmer has 15 sheep, all but 8 of them die, how many does he have left

2006-09-30 01:09:12 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

2006-09-30 01:06:56 · 23 answers · asked by Electric 7

Q1. when does a desert become a beach?
A1. when it reaches the sea

Q2. WHEN DOES A BEACH BECOME A DESERT
A2.....??

2006-09-30 00:54:49 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2006-09-30 00:54:18 · 11 answers · asked by Electric 7

a mouse finds a viagra tablet on the floor and eats it.10 minutes later hes strutting around the place shouting "WHERES THE F*CKING P*SSY NOW THEN"

2006-09-29 23:54:59 · 17 answers · asked by lagan_lovely 2

rearrange these letters to form a new 7-letter word

R U F E S T I

2006-09-29 23:32:10 · 23 answers · asked by pretty me 2

A guy was walking down the street with a bag of apples, he saw a pretty lady, so he gave her half of his apples, and half of an apple, keeps walking, sees another pretty lady, gives her half of his remaining apples, and half of an apple, finally he sees one more pretty girl, gives her half of his remaining apples, and half of an apple. How many apples did the guy have to start with? (its a real number, and once you get it, its easy to figure out! Good luck

2006-09-29 23:32:09 · 14 answers · asked by Kyle 2

Okay, now only my tech teacher got it right away. Everyone else...dumbfounded.

Three men are stranded on an island. All the same age, single, same religion, and each do not have any family to go back to. But they have different philoshiphies (forgive me if I misspelled it).

One day they run out of food, so they decide one of them has to die for the other two to eat. They quickly decide who will be eaten, even the one chosen thought it was a good ideal...why?

2006-09-29 22:49:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

they all love only one girl and play hard to get with all their fans !
Why shouldn't they just be public property?

2006-09-29 22:16:01 · 6 answers · asked by adorable 4

Who get the right answer first gets best answer

2006-09-29 22:05:16 · 31 answers · asked by tgannon04 2

a mute guy went to a store to buy a pair of shades.how can he get the shades since he`s mute?obviously,he had to make some hand signals.how about blind guy?how does he obtain the shades????

2006-09-29 21:54:04 · 22 answers · asked by meadowsweet 1

They both like a tight seal !

2006-09-29 21:46:47 · 12 answers · asked by Bill L 5

thinking no one is in the room and you find your friends sitting......what do u do?

2006-09-29 21:09:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

....that is my question...but I don't expect a answer...of course.

SO...if you attempt to answer, then make it sound as if you are not answering...just in case.

2006-09-29 20:59:10 · 15 answers · asked by Middy S 2

2006-09-29 20:58:47 · 12 answers · asked by Pistol Pete 3

A man and a woman held a discussion about which of the sexes experienced the most pleasure during the love act. The guy argued it was the man, while the woman stated it was the female who got the most pleasure during sex.
"I have a question," said the woman.
"Suppose your inner ear itches; you scratch it with your little finger. The itch goes away, right?"
"Correct," answers the man.
"And where, may I ask," continues the woman, "do you exactly feel pleasure then -- at the finger or the inner ear?"
"The ear, of course," replies the man.
"There!" says the woman, triumphantly

2006-09-29 20:56:08 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!" .

2006-09-29 20:54:47 · 22 answers · asked by Electric 7

whats the similarity between a woman and a plane, "The cock pit"

whats the difference between a woman and a ship,? " A ship cuts thru water, A woman waters thru the cut.

difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a cemetry,
One has a soul full of hope, the other, a hole full of soap.

whats the height of pain?
monkey sliding down a razor blade using his balls as breaks.

whats the height of irritation?
A one handed fellow hanging down from the 20th floor of a building about to fall, trying to scratch his balls.

whats the height of poverty?
A laundry mark on a condom.

what goes 99 clip 99 clop,?
a centepede with an wooden leg.

2006-09-29 20:48:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Small boy is looking in a pet shop window, when two old women stand beside him and do the same. One say's to the other " I do say, I love the look of that coconut dog"

The boy runs into the pet shop and say's to the assistant "Can I have a coconut dog please" ?

The assistant reply's "I don't have a dog like that, I have only collies, and terriers"

The boy say's " Well two old women were standing outside and one said " I love the ****-o-nut dog" ?

2006-09-29 20:37:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The circus has arrived in town, and the lion tamer is about to finish his act. There is a large roll of the drums and he get's one of his lions to open it's mouth. Then the tamer put his manhood in it's mouth and starts to close the lions mouth. As the lions about to eat it he put it away at lightening speed and the crowd goes wild.

The ringmaster arrives, and as a bet asks anyone "Who will do the same trick for £500". No reply's "Who will do it for £1000" No reply's "Okay then £5000" And from the back of the stalls this small bloke comes down to the ring.

The ringmaster is frightened he will lose his money, so he say's to him "Do you have any last second thoughts about doing this"

The small bloke say's "Well, yes"

The ringmaster asks "What is it" ?

The bloke say's " I don't know if I can open my mouth as much as the lion did"

2006-09-29 20:28:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Local owner of supermaket was arrested by police for performing oral sex on a woman at 11pm in his store behind closed doors.

At court the judge said there was no case and let him off.

The reason why ? Quite easy, he held a late licker licence?

2006-09-29 20:26:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

why did god grace black men with such big penis's? to make up for the pubic hair on their heads

2006-09-29 20:23:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

yo momma is so old and dried up even her crabs carry cantines

2006-09-29 20:22:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 20:22:04 · 14 answers · asked by hotfeat 2

theres a guy walking along the beach he sees something shining in the sand he walks over to it picks it up and sees it's a genie lamp he starts rubbing and a few secs. later two genies pop out they tell him we will give you two wishes apiece to equal 4 so the guy makes his wishes he wakes up in a bed full of beautiful naked girls he looks around and sees he's in a huge house he gets out of bed and feels something under his feet he looks down and sees the whole floor is covered in 100 dollar bills he goes to explore the house he's looking around when he hears a knock at the door he goes and answers the door theres two kkk members standing there they grab him take him out to a tree and hang him the guy dies then the first kkk member takes off his hood and it's a genie the second one takes his hood off and it's the second genie the first genie looks at the second genie and says i can understand the girls the house and the money but i have no idea why he wanted to be hung like a black man

2006-09-29 20:20:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 20:19:08 · 23 answers · asked by hotfeat 2

2006-09-29 20:17:32 · 23 answers · asked by hotfeat 2

i have a pair, they're hard and round...
and if i hunch over, they drag the ground...
and if i smash them, they will swell up...
and then i cant zip, my zipper up.

what am i talking about?

2006-09-29 20:15:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do santa claus and micheal jackson have in common? They both leave little boys houses with empty sacks

2006-09-29 20:09:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.

Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

******************************...

Sardar gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs a tree, sits on the
branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Srdr: "I've been promoted as
branch manager."

******************************...

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as
to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!

******************************...

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.

U knw Why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is
leaking...

******************************...

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.

Servant: It"s already raining.

Sardar: So what? take an umbrella and go.

*****************************

2006-09-29 20:04:19 · 8 answers · asked by gunkedar 2