Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A little bird was flying south for the winter when he ran in to a snow storm well the little birds wings froze and the bird fell to the ground the little bird thought that he would die and was chirping scared to death then a cow came by an took a crap on him the little bird was so happy because the cows crap was warm an the crap was keeping him alive that he was singing really loud then a cat heard him an came and dug him out of the crap an ate him

the moral of this joke is not every one that craps on you is your enemy and not every one that digs you out of crap is your friend

Your Answer:

2006-09-30 08:40:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bloke goes into a hardware shop to purchase some particular items. The Assistant says one will cost 50p and ten will cost £1. So he says "I will have two hundred please" and he is charged £1.50. What did he buy?

2006-09-30 08:23:06 · 17 answers · asked by The Shadow 3

The Organization
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up...some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes.

2006-09-30 08:05:42 · 15 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

2006-09-30 08:02:55 · 11 answers · asked by ? 4

Unlocking your car

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!



Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
A: They're refuelling.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

2006-09-30 08:00:14 · 11 answers · asked by HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4

How many people does it take to play football?

2006-09-30 07:53:20 · 15 answers · asked by ihatetaylorgunn 2

If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp, and a candle, which one would you light first?

Not much of a brain teaser, just think about it.

2006-09-30 07:50:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-30 07:43:54 · 48 answers · asked by Gobbledygook 2

Two cops walked into a room with no windows and found a dead man who obviously hung himself from the ceiling, though they couldn't figure out how. There was no chair beneath him that he might have jumped off of. Just a puddle of water. How'd he do it?

2006-09-30 07:37:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.


CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall.
This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.
Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.
This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.
This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.
This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon comIng on, create a diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud spLashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as the other bathroom attendees.

2006-09-30 07:22:49 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-30 07:21:33 · 4 answers · asked by ubitme62 1

One Day This Blonde Was Tired Of Being Blonde So She Was Going To Kill Herself. Well She Got Her A Rope And Tied The Rope To The Branch. She Jumped Of.....! A Few Hours Later A Man Walk By...."What Are You Doing" Said The Man. "I Am Hanging Myself" Said The Blonde. The Man Said, "Well Isn't The Rope Suposse To Be Around Your Neck And Not Around Your Waist?" The Blonde Said, "I Have Already Tried That And I Couldn't Breathe!



Was It Funny?

2006-09-30 07:19:19 · 11 answers · asked by ally_cat0o4 2

no really?

2006-09-30 07:08:38 · 13 answers · asked by Kelly Bundy 6

And a young lady comes up to him and tells him to remove his clothes where as the young lady looks down and asks who do you think your going to satisfy with that little thing,he looks her straight in the eye and saids, ME.

2006-09-30 07:03:18 · 9 answers · asked by kman1830 5

and i asked her what she thought it was and she said a japanese motorbike...... L.M.F.A.O. its a joke before lame heads start saying damn your wife is dumb.

2006-09-30 06:43:50 · 9 answers · asked by JAY JAY 3

A man lives on the 50th floor of the apartment building, goes to work, and takes the elevator down to the 1st floor, leaves for work, comes back, takes the elevator to the 35th floor, then takes the stairs the rest of the way. Why?

2006-09-30 06:31:51 · 37 answers · asked by Kyle 2

i leave the answer to you

2006-09-30 06:31:21 · 5 answers · asked by ?????? ?????? 1

*opens envelope*

Scans down document that was inside.

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"Ok. It says I'm the father."

DUN! DUN! DUNNNNNN!

Scary, huh?

2006-09-30 05:59:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

two priest went to take a shower. the priest forgot the soaps, so one priest goes ill go get some (because his room was infront of the shower room) so they priest goes naked. he gets 2 soap. when he was coming back he saw 3 nuns. the priest freezes like if he was a statue. the 3 nuns goes like look this statue feels so real. (they feel his penis) on nun presses his penis so hard that on of the soap drops. so nun went like its a soap dispenser. so the other nun says let me get one too, so even she presses it so hard that the other soap falls. the 3rd nun is like if its free why not get one too. so even she presses and presses she is like i think its messed up. she keeps trying and trying. and in the end she says that she got hand soap.
hand soap
funny

2006-09-30 05:48:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

two priest went to take a shower. the priest forgot the soaps, so one priest goes ill go get some (because his room was infront of the shower room) so they priest goes naked. he gets 2 soap. when he was coming back he saw 3 nuns. the priest freezes like if he was a statue. the 3 nuns goes like look this statue feels so real. (they feel his penis) on nun presses his penis so hard that on of the soap drops. so nun went like its a soap dispenser. so the other nun says let me get one too, so even she presses it so hard that the other soap falls. the 3rd nun is like if its free why not get one too. so even she presses and presses she is like i think its messed up. she keeps trying and trying. and in the end she says that she got hand soap.
hand soap
funny

2006-09-30 05:44:24 · 11 answers · asked by bluffmaster_totaly 1

ok there where three guys in a bar. the midget named debbie (yes it was a guy) the middle tallest named jack and the tallest named joe. well they where sitting there when two ladies,a nrunneteand blonde come up to them and..............

finish that joke!

2006-09-30 05:38:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit-O-Honey, so he took his old lady, Mrs. Hershey on the corner of 5th Avenue & Clark. He began to feel her Mounds and to him that was an Almond Joy, which made his Tootsie Roll! Then, he let out some Snickers and slipped his Butterfinger up her Kit-Kat, which of course caused a Milky-Way! She screamed " O-Henry! ", and she squeezed his Peter Paul , & said, "your better than the 3 Muskateers! " She soon became a bit Chunky & 9 months later gave birth to Baby Ruth.

an oldie but a goodie one of my fav jokes!

2006-09-30 05:29:28 · 15 answers · asked by ? 1

plzzzzz

2006-09-30 04:59:03 · 2 answers · asked by A 1

U r in a room with no windows or doors. All u have is a plank of wood and a saw. How do u get out?

2006-09-30 04:56:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-30 04:54:30 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Need ideas for charades for 10 year olds -- please keep it clean, thanks!

2006-09-30 04:42:25 · 13 answers · asked by amuse4you 4

BNIEON HTUN

2006-09-30 04:40:19 · 7 answers · asked by cjude87 2

A husband walks out of the bathroom naked, and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, “I have a headache.”

“Perfect.” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with asprin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It’s up to you!”

2006-09-30 04:30:38 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am a 5 letter word that you eat
-1st letter and i become a form of energy
-2 letters and i become something essential for living
-3 letters and i signify someone's destination
-4 letters and i become a drink...

who am i?

2006-09-30 04:23:17 · 12 answers · asked by shyamex 3

1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.

5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.

14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Also, just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy

2006-09-30 04:17:07 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous