How do you poop at work ?

Question

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.


CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall.
This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.
Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.
This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.
This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.
This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon comIng on, create a diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud spLashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as the other bathroom attendees.

Answer 1

*The Poopie List*
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

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Answer 4

I'll go and see if there's anyone in the bathroom and if there isn't I'll go and squat or stand for 20-30 mins.

Answer 5

I take a dump in the morning. I can wait until the end of the day then. The only reason I would have to go during the day is explosive diarhea, and then I'm just screwed. Blow my *** out into the toilet, spray some freshener and go back to my cubicle. When people smell it, they may be disgusted, but they understand "Hey, he had to take a dump. So be it.".

Answer 6

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Answer 7

AIR FRESHENER: Pleasent-smelling fragrance sprayed into the air.
Can be used to prevent a WALK OF SHAME, or to cover cover up an ESCAPEE, JAILBREAK, or any other of the fart situations

Answer 8

Make sure to scout out the bathroom. If no one's in there, go in and immediately spray some air freshener around. Then get down to business, using courtesy flushes as you go. When you emerge, no one will realize you've pooped because of the air freshener. By the time they realize it, you'll have washed up and will be long gone.

Answer 9

How To Poo At Work

Answer 10

"Sitting On" has a good answer. Since the act of "pooping" is a totally NORMAL happening and is at the mercy of MOTHER NATURE.....when she calls JUST DO IT!!! Most folks don't carry around air fresheners in their pockets, especially men, however, DO GIVE COURTESY FLUSHES.....please.......

Trust me, anyone that thinks their poops doesn't stink.....(no pun intended) well, think again. The smell goes along with the by product of processing food and that keeps us living. POPS