has any one got any good jokes?

Question

please send me jokes please?

Answer 1

is it michael jackson
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?

Answer 2

Do not laugh on me?
"Doctor, don 't laugh" A man goes to his family doctor and says " I 've got the problem you will see, only you 've got to promise not to laugh" he doctor replies, "Of course I won 't laugh. That would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 15 years
of being the doctor, I 've never laughed at a patient.
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniestpenis he has ever seen in his life.Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly
at first, then uncontrollably. Some minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
"I am so sorry," he says to his patient, "I don 't know what came over me, I won 't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor with very sad eyes and
says "IT IS SWOLLEN!!!".

Answer 3

Whats the difference between a woman in church and one in the bath ?,
One has hope in her soul, and the other has soap in her....

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Did you hear about the fire in the circus ?,
It was in-tents.

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Q: How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?

A: She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't
find her pencil

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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

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What's green, slimy, and smells like pork?
kermit's finger.

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A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

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A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck, the bartender says, "I hope you're not planning on starting anything in here!"

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Liar:
-----
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling
people you're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"

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Three Feelings:
---------------
What's the difference between stress,
tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

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Chinese Adam & Eve:
-------------------
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still
be in paradise because they
would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake!

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Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"

The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone,the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. "That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"

So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."

"Sausage?" says the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me 12 drinks."

So the bartender pours him 12 shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy, you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says,"75 cents."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string o n the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... So does she.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her, he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.

After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way, he won't have to see her and won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it.

He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.

He kicks her in the face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOPE THIS HELPS

Answer 4

Barbies letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.

Yours truly,
Barbie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Twick or Tweat
On Halloween, this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an witch, and was just delightful.

The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says... "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.

The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little witch is just the cutest thing.

The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little witch looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says...

"Thanks lady, you just boke my $@*!#^% cookies!"

Answer 5

bad pun but here it go's
a koala bear is in LA for a vacation, when a hooker walks up to him and says do you wanna have a good time, and since it was a vacation he figured why not. so she takes him to a hotel room strips, and lays spread eagle on the bed. immediately the koala begins to preform oral sex. when they are done the koala bear starts to leave the hooker demands payment
k bear: for what?
hooker: for sex
k bear : i never had to pay before
hooker: well now u do cause I'm a prostitute
k bear: what is a prostitute?
hooker: here look in a dictionary
the koala bear reads, then replies
k bear: i still don't have to pay
hooker: why not
k bear: i am a koala bear
hooker: what is that?
the bear throws her the book tells her to look it up and then takes off. the hooker turns the dictionary to koala bear and reads : koala bear - a small animal that "eats bush and leaves"

at Sunday school the teacher was talking about dieing and the after life. so Jill asked how do u get to heaven?
all the kids started answering at once, and little Johnie sat in the corner repeating him self, jees you guys are dumb that's not how u get to heaven at all. so the teacher turns to little Johnie and says if u are so smart how do u get to heaven then?
feet first.
teacher: feet first?
little Johnie replies, yes and can prove it last week my aunt and uncle were staying with us and in the middle of the night i got up for a drink, and heard noises so i thought i should check it out. it was coming from our extra room, as i got closer i could here my aunt screaming "oh god I'm cumming" so when i looked in she was on her back with her feet in the air and kept screaming oh god I'm cumming, and if it wasn't for my uncle on top of her she would have went too.

little Johnie wasn't doing to well in school especially in math. it seamed nobody could handle him, so his parents decided to try a Catholic school. sure enough on his first report card he was doing very well, especially in math. his parents hug and congratulate him, then ask why the big turn around Johnie replies well on the first day when i walked in and saw that guy nailed to the big plus sign i figured i had better pull up my socks.

little Johnie and Jill are playing out side in the back yard his mom is inside baking when Johnie comes running in.
LJ: Mommy Mommy what is this?(pointing between his legs)
MOM: well, that is your tractor dear
LJ: oh
little Johnie Runs back out and returns a little later
LJ: Mommy Mommy why is Jill's different?
MOM: well, that is her garage dear
little Johnie runs back out and returns a little later holding his crotch and blood pouring out between his fingers
MOM: my god what happened Johnie??
LJ: we tried to put my tractor in Jill's garage, but it wouldn't fit, so Jill cut off the two back tires.

Answer 6

guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me 12 drinks."

So the bartender pours him 12 shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy, you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says,"75 cents."

Answer 7

ocne upon a time an american wanted to be a irish so he went to the docter, the docter said "if you want to be irish we'll have to cut out half your brain" and says "sure go right ahead" so the docter does an operation but accidentlly the docter cuts out all of his brain so the tells him the bad newas, "im so sorry, i accidentlly cut out all your brain" and the guy says " no worrys mate!"

Answer 8

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