Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-03 18:23:43 · 11 answers · asked by trinity71237 1

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"


Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.


He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"


"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

2006-09-03 18:22:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a white guy in a pub toilet squeezing a kidney and he's standing next to a black guy. He can't help but glance sideways to see if the myth is true.

"Bloody hell!", he exclaims. "Oh sorry", he continues, "but how the hell did you get one that long?"

The black guy explains: "Well, as a young man I used to hang a brick off the end on a piece of string for about half an hour a day to stretch it."

So, the white guy takes the advice and off he goes merrily.

Some time later, the black guy is in the same pub and spots the white guy at the bar. So, he goes to over to see him.

"How's things coming on then?", he asks

"Oh great; I think I'm half way there" comes the reply " - it's gone black!"

2006-09-03 18:15:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-03 18:13:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Affirmative Action: A politically correct term for reverse discrimination. If the state says that some discrimination is good then, clearly, more must be better … so …

Anti-Semitic: An individual who doesn’t fawn over those of Jewish descent.

Battered Spouse Syndrome: Originally called “Battered Wife Syndrome” but was recast as a unisex term to disguise the intended gender bias.

Battered Wife Syndrome: It is an end run around justice for women guilty of revenge killings, mutilations etc. Note that ‘battered’ need only be alleged. See also ‘Positive Spin’.

Blind Justice: Said to mean that race, color, creed, sex, sexual orientation, etc. will not enter into the legal judgment process. Actually means that truth and fairness won’t.

Coalition of the Willing: Quantril’s Raiders, the Jesse James Gang, the Axis Powers, etc.

Collateral Damage: When we attacked, some innocent civilians got killed. What the hell were they doing in their own country anyway?

Communism: A political system that seeks to make all citizens equal … at the bottom of the economic ladder.

Credit: A way of getting the money you won’t have tomorrow (because of high interest costs) to pay for the “must have” wants of today.

Dangerous Offender: An individual given a sentence of an indefinite duration. Lest anyone think that the law is being totally capricious, it should be noted that there are strict requirements before this label is applied: the individual must be male and must have done something or other.

Defense Department: Military organization that oversees the creation and maintenance of offensive capabilities.

Democracy: Fascist rule by the largest misinformed minority.

Due Process: Long, involved and very costly legal proceedings the courts must undertake in a case against you. i.e. innocent or guilty, you lose.

Easy Credit: Credit that is easy to obtain. Retirement for you and the debt will be another story.

English Common Law: Laws applied to the common folk; the rich are accorded better treatment.

Entertainment: Consists of a wide variety of media presentations: movies, music, television shows, sporting events, etc. A pacifier for adults.

Executive Action: Probably a criminal activity.

Executive Compensation: The amount of money it would take to feed most impoverished nations.

Executive Decision: Consensus opinion expressed by the person with the highest position in an organization.

Free Enterprise: A system whereby commercial enterprises attempt, by means fair and foul, to corner the money supply.

Free Press: Media that is unhampered by obligations to objectivity and responsible journalism. Trades on the myth that ‘free’ implies unbiased.

Free Trade: An import/export arrangement between two or more countries. Defines the starting point for cheating by all parties to the agreement.

Free Vote: A multi-billion dollar poll used to determine if the populace has been subjected to sufficient propaganda.

Freedom Fighter: A terrorist who sees things our way.

Hollywood: A center for the production of films and documentaries. Also known as ‘The Dream Factory’. Happily, its fictional portrayals clearly show that our way of life is superior.

Income Tax: You work and the government shares the reward with you.

Intelligentsia: Clearly not the press, the media, sports stars, the judiciary, politicians or the military. Must be the rest of us.

Judicial Latitude: The mechanism that allows courts to come up with radically different verdicts in two or more cases with identical facts and circumstances. Flipping a coin would yield fairer, more consistent results.

Legal Precedent: The first judge got it wrong and it has been done that way ever since.

No Taxation without Representation: Expression made popular during the American War of Independence. The public has since been given a token number of representatives who don’t listen in exchange for an exorbitant amount of taxes.

Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity: The accused is guilty but is set free because the individual appeared before an insane judge and/or jury.

Not-for-profit Organization: The people running the operation are being honest: they are in it only to fill their own pockets without attempting to delude stakeholders into believing otherwise.

Peace Keeping Force: Keeping two sides in line by the implied use of a force greater than the one that either side had to contend with previously.

Physician: A mechanic that works on humans. They know so much about maintaining health that they are immortal. Okay, so the bad ones only live twice as long as the rest of us do.

Policing Action: Military action to combat a nation or rogue state. Could also be described as “naked aggression” but that’s harder to sell.

Politically Correct: First word appropriate, second one an outright lie. An oxymoron of gargantuan proportions.

Positive Spin: Putting a positive face on a negative action or event that is wrong (by our own definition) so that we can continue to get away with it.

Presumption of Innocence: Often encapsulated in the expression: “Innocent until proven guilty”. It’s just coincidence that the mere accusation permanently destroys the reputation of those subsequently found innocent.

Professional Athlete: Individual, one generation removed from walking on his/her knuckles, who makes a fortune at a sport without which the universe could not exist.

Propaganda: False, misleading or incomplete information disseminated by our enemies. Our system would never allow that. See also ‘Free Press’.

Reality Show: A television show produced by people who clearly do not originate in this galaxy.

Socialism: A less forceful, less efficient form of communism.

Statutory law: We didn’t like the way that the common law was unfolding so we “plugged it”.

Weapons of Mass Destruction: Chemical, nuclear and biological weapons in the possession of our enemies. Ours are defensive in nature.

United Nations: Countries that are united in their inability to come up with useful solutions to the world’s problems.

Utopia: A perfect world … we aren’t there yet. Hang a left at Saturn and keep straight for three trillion light years.

2006-09-03 18:13:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to screw off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna Waters

2006-09-03 18:06:52 · 14 answers · asked by Woody 3

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

Unsure what to do, she quietly sneaks out of the house, drives around until her normal quitting time, and returns home without saying anything.

The next day at work, the gals get together.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"I met a great guy!" says the redhead.

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

2006-09-03 18:04:35 · 11 answers · asked by Woody 3

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying, "And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Mr. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this sudden outward display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands, almost sobbing.

Finally, the president looks up and asks, "Just how many is a brazillion, anyway?"

2006-09-03 17:52:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

As I was going to St Ives,
I met a man with seven wives,
Each wife had seven sacks;
Each sack had seven cats;
Each cat had seven kittens.
Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,
How many were going to St Ives?

2006-09-03 17:52:57 · 13 answers · asked by True Blood 2

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He find his way to a barstool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,

"Hey bartender, you wanna hear the best dumb blonde joke ever?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things . . .

"One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

"Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

"Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.

"Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

"Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!

"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

2006-09-03 17:49:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Imagine a duck in a glass bottle. The neck of the bottle is too small to allow the duck through. The bottle is perfectly formed and has no trick bottoms or other openings. How do you get the duck out of the bottle without damaging either the duck or the bottle?

2006-09-03 17:46:59 · 19 answers · asked by True Blood 2

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.
source -- www.funnyjunk.com

2006-09-03 17:41:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license.

The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough, sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

2006-09-03 17:41:10 · 15 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Mr & Mrs Van Uden have 5 children. Of these five, half are boys. How is this possible?

2006-09-03 17:39:57 · 11 answers · asked by True Blood 2

2006-09-03 17:28:46 · 31 answers · asked by True Blood 2

Why is George Washington's official birthday celebration held on February 22 when he was actually born on February 11?

2006-09-03 17:22:40 · 5 answers · asked by True Blood 2

do we call him/her a deadhe...........what s the other two remaining letter s to complete the word

2006-09-03 17:18:15 · 4 answers · asked by robbins 2

QuiCk!tell me a joke huever tellz me d best joke winz.....!!!!!!

2006-09-03 17:15:30 · 41 answers · asked by rawr! 2

Think hard, because a correct answer is worth 10 pts.

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Good luck to you.

2006-09-03 17:09:14 · 22 answers · asked by Kahyon F 2

make me smile or cring

2006-09-03 17:03:08 · 25 answers · asked by merlin 5

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the
size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn't
want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the
size.

One night when him and his girlfriend are making
out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small
dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there
impatiently waiting to see her reaction.

His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but
I don't smoke."

2006-09-03 16:56:42 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-03 16:56:33 · 11 answers · asked by handynewf 2

Clean ,dirty, anyyhing that isn't too corney.

2006-09-03 16:29:49 · 12 answers · asked by LeeLee 2

what,s the ony word that rhymes with orange?

2006-09-03 16:25:36 · 9 answers · asked by handynewf 2

Funniest one wins Best Answer!

2006-09-03 16:19:39 · 16 answers · asked by spyker_roughie 2

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day,

If you'll come to my funeral I'll freaking go to yours!

Are You American?

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?

(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreeds on national television.

2. You and your pals decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?

(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) Ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armor, 20 cheerleaders a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopedic surgeons specializing in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?

(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?

(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreeds.

5. What do you have for breakfast

(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug  of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?

(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?

(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?

(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ***.

9. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:

(a) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary
(b) Monitor to see if Human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice
(c) Invade the country flattening all buildings, fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they're on after all, a kill is a kill.

10. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack you should:

(a) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible
(b) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible and bring them to justice
(c) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible, but continue to support and fund terrorist activities abroad.

11. You're on holiday abroad, do you:

(a) Enjoy the local culture and food
(b) Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home
(c) Complain and whine that the country that you are visiting is nothing like home.

12. There is a popular Black leader in your country. What do you do?

(a) Welcome him with open arms
(b) Listen to what he has to say
(c) Assassinate him.

Answers...

If you answered mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well balanced individual...... If you answered mostly c's then sorry, you are an American.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-09-03 16:13:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

...and I am filled with many holes. I shine like a sea of fireflies yet I am as black as night itself. Many a time has humanity scratched my surface, and many a time I am depicted shooting pebbles at their home. I am just about beyond human comprehension and beyond the grasp of human imagination. WHAT AM i????? THIS SHOULD BE EASY.

2006-09-03 16:01:17 · 10 answers · asked by Display Name 3

Celebrity, actor, musician, or character from a movie or TV show.

2006-09-03 15:57:40 · 21 answers · asked by Brian.E 2

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/icon.htm

worth the watch! only takes a minute!

2006-09-03 15:50:57 · 9 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

2006-09-03 15:45:53 · 20 answers · asked by Display Name 3