10 points for the funniest joke?

Question

be nice...:)

Answer 1

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow, I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, and fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "You might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Answer 2

Miracles Do Happen

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

Your Soon-to-be Ex-Wife


P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

.....The saga continues.....

Dear Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Answer 3

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They are given the task, and began to type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan indignantly protests, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Satan, when are you going to learn ...Jesus saves!"

Answer 4

A farmer takes his goose to town to see a movie. Holding the bird under his arm, he walks up to the ticket window and asks for a ticket. The ticket vendor says "What's with the goose?" The farmer explains that the goose has been very good, and he's rewarding him with a movie. The ticket vendor says "sorry, we have a no pets policy." The farmer tries to convince the ticket clerk that it's his seeing eye goose, but to no avail.

So the farmer walks down to the alley, and stuffs the goose down the front of his pants. He goes back to the movie theater and says "o.k., I got rid of the goose." He walks into the theater and finds a seat next to two old ladies. By now, the goose is getting uncomfortable, and starts squirming around. The farmer undoes his fly, and the goose's head and neck pop out. The old lady sitting next to him gets startled and leans over to her friend and says, "Mabel, that man sitting next to me just undid his fly, and in all my years, I've never seen one that could stretch all the way over from where he's sitting and eat popcorn."

Answer 5

A mushroom walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender, asks for a drink and sits down. The bartender says to the mushroom, "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms in this bar." Sadly, the mushroom gets off the bar stool and leaves the bar.
The next day, the mushroom walks back into the same bar and prepares to ask for a drink. The bartender again says, "Sorry we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom replies, " Why not? I'm a fungi!" (Fun guy)

Answer 6

A termite walks into a Bar and asks "Is the Bar tender here?

Answer 7

How did the Diary Queen get pregnant?

Burger King didn't wrap his whopper.


Sorry.... I learned that years ago and still think it's cute.

Answer 8

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."

"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."

"Mine's gonna be Mikes Hard Lemonade."

"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."

"Exactly."

Answer 9

what do playstations and michael jackson have in common? they get turned on by little boys.

Answer 10

a guy walks into a bar


he said ow


haha gets me everytime...