Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

hee hee

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/melting_princess.htm

2006-09-02 19:43:32 · 5 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

If such a person attempts suicide, is that a hostage situation?

:-) :-) :-)

2006-09-02 19:31:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time we had this following riddle:

Can you name the science teacher's favorite states?
A: Solid, liquid, and gas.

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

What happens when a boat carrying brown paint crashes into a boat carrying purple paint?

2006-09-02 19:30:38 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to send an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be 100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip her pants. She does.

"Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."

She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

:-) :-) :-)

2006-09-02 19:28:27 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

PLEASE DONT GET MAD AT ME!!!

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/haha.htm

2006-09-02 19:23:56 · 13 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

I joined Navy so that I can see the entire world. Now I have seen the world. Now how do I get out?
:-) :-) :-)

2006-09-02 19:16:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

.....which takes you directly to the White House???

:-) :-) :-)

2006-09-02 19:14:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Since I have already cooked the vegetables, what do I do with Wheelchairs now which is left behind?
:-) :-) :-) :-)

2006-09-02 19:12:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A turtle without a shell, is he naked or simply homeless?
:-) :-) :-)

2006-09-02 19:09:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/backstreet.htm

the part about his dog is gross and wrong but the rest is pretty darn funny.

2006-09-02 19:01:12 · 2 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

Johns wife asks him to finally start doing some honey do's around the house. First she asks him to change some light bulbs she cant reach. John replied, what do i look like, an electrician? She says, fine-can you at least unclog the kitchen sink, with which he replies, what do i look like a plumber. Then, frustrated as hell, she sends him outside to mow the lawn.--which obviously he replies that he doesnt look like a gardener either and leaves to go golfing.

Later that evening he returns to find the lawn mowed, sink unclogged and all the light bulbs replaced. When he asked his wife how she was able to figure it out all by herself she explained a neighbor stopped by an offered to do it for her if she had sex with him or baked him a cake. when her husband asked what kind of cake she baked. she replied, what do i look like, Betty Crocker!

2006-09-02 18:58:10 · 9 answers · asked by humorme! 3

just cuz i ♥ u!

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/funny_instructions.htm

2006-09-02 18:47:56 · 2 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"

2006-09-02 18:40:22 · 7 answers · asked by china 2

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

2006-09-02 18:37:56 · 11 answers · asked by china 2

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

2006-09-02 18:18:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/insanity_test.htm

hee hee just a lil something from funnyjunk.com

2006-09-02 18:17:17 · 10 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/cat.htm

lol sooo cute!

2006-09-02 18:05:38 · 17 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

if there are 3 guys walk into a bar and 1 leaves and another goes in...how many of them are left in the bar?? no mean answers pls i made it up while typing it!! (cause im bored)

2006-09-02 17:56:17 · 15 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

I want some really funny- laugh till your tummy hurts, tears rolling down your cheeks- jokes. I need a good laugh. Thanks!!

2006-09-02 17:39:00 · 10 answers · asked by Lissa 3

This rich lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered.
"Your husband concedes me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The lady just scowled and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry maid continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said the maid. "The chauffeur told me that!"
*******************
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap

2006-09-02 17:37:54 · 18 answers · asked by Pd 6

What is height of poverty?
What is height of noise?
What is height of suicide?
What is height of laziness?
What is height of mount everest?

2006-09-02 17:36:42 · 7 answers · asked by Gundruk 3

make me laugh

2006-09-02 17:36:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Currently says:
To beep or not to beep, that is the question.

2006-09-02 17:30:30 · 11 answers · asked by sueflower 6

??? hmm diffuclty easy

2006-09-02 17:27:36 · 11 answers · asked by Zan k 2

"nun"

2006-09-02 17:19:34 · 13 answers · asked by melhtims 2

A chap who was out for a walk spotted the farmer stood in the middle of a pasture staring into space. "Are you O.K.?" he asked the farmer.

"Certainly " replied the farmer,"I'm just trying to win a Nobel Prize"

"How are you going to do that?" asked the walker

"Well" he replied,"I read the other day that to win the Nobel Prize you have to be out standing in your field"

2006-09-02 17:13:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

2006-09-02 17:12:15 · 16 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

Cause it a tounge in it....

2006-09-02 17:02:41 · 6 answers · asked by melhtims 2

To get to the shell station

2006-09-02 16:56:04 · 18 answers · asked by melhtims 2

it dont matter he wont come to you anyway..

2006-09-02 16:44:36 · 12 answers · asked by melhtims 2