2006-09-02 13:33:15 · 19 answers · asked by **sexyB** 1 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Have you ever wondered why the IRS calls their form 1040?
~Because out of every 50, you get 10 and they get 40.
2006-09-02 13:36:52 · answer #1 · answered by Yay for Summer 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went.
She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went
dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto
the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof
is
on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn!
Burn, muthafukkah, burn!" The crowd on the dance floor would always
cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would
make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild.
This
would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out.
One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the
choir stand with her.
And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the
roof,
the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn!
Burn, muthafukkah, burn! She embarrassingly corrected the parrot,
"No, you don't say that here!!"
The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same
muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!!..
2006-09-03 08:21:47 · answer #2 · answered by Utd4Life 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As I was browsing through a local Christian bookstore, I spotted a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day since I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I purchased the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I failed to notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing that someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I never would have noticed. I found that there are a LOT of people who love Jesus.
While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Suddenly, everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach" ... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant and he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was really enjoying this religious experience, too.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
2006-09-02 20:36:34 · answer #3 · answered by Vile Maverick 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
i have 2:
ok, so theres this guy and he's going on a first class trip with his friend... everything is really luxurious and stylish, and so he's telling his friend how amazing it is, and his friend says: "if you think this is nice, you should take a look in the bathroom!" and so he goes and looks... and what he sees is a toilet with velvet padding, and 3 buttons next to it. so he decided to try it out, and so he goes, and then he saw the 3 buttons. the first one said BP, so he pushed it, and it started patting his butt with baby powder. then he pressed AD, which started to blow air on it (air dryer). then he tried the ATR button, and he woke up in a hospital 3 weeks later. he asks: "what happend? where am i?" and the nurse says: "you are in the hospital... it turns out that you pressed the ATR button." and he's all: "whats the ATR button for?" and she's all: "ATR is Automatic Tampon Remover."
here's the second one:
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and Sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them - "The second most important quality is "Observation'". "I stuck my middle finger in, and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention."
2006-09-02 20:38:32 · answer #4 · answered by SlipKnoT MaGGoT 666 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Bush Visits a Nursing Home
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
2006-09-02 22:32:44 · answer #5 · answered by :) 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Good Manners
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the
bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude
and impolite. "What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table." And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom
I look forward to introducing you to right after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
2006-09-02 20:47:33 · answer #6 · answered by raecheile 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
2 guys were lost at sea in a boat...
guy #1 was hungry and decided to try and catch a fish
guy#1 is sucessful and catches a fish that happens to b magic,
the fish tells guy #1 he can grant him one wish if he lets him go..
and without a second thought guy#1 says "I wish the entire
ocean was made of beer" Then guy #2 looks mad as hell, and
turns to guy #1 and says "what the hell did u make that wish, for?
Now we're goin to have to piss in the boat."
2006-09-02 21:21:46 · answer #7 · answered by Darsh(Say it like u mean it) 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Three nuns were in the church the other day and the 1st nun says, "I was going through the Father's office and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
2006-09-02 20:47:43 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, I have already posted my best funny jokes.
You will have to look for my picture to read them.
2006-09-03 03:34:44 · answer #9 · answered by Dew Drop 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A wife was bending over gardening. Her husband said Wow..I can't believe how big your butt is. The wife got really mad and continued to garden. The husband said, wow..I mean it. Your butt is so big that I bet its as big as our gas grill. The wife got madder. Then he said I am going to get a tape measure and measure your butt and see if I am right.. The wife got madder. Then she bent over again to garden and felt her husband behind her with a tape measure.. Then he said, wow I was right, your butt is as big as our gas grill. The wife is now livid!! Later that night, the husband asked his wife for sex. The wife then said:..If you think I am going to fire up this gas grill for one little bitty weiner then your nuts.
2006-09-02 20:41:35 · answer #10 · answered by Lea 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋