Go on, make me laugh. 10 points to the first one to make me laugh out loud.
2006-09-02 02:59:16 · 14 answers · asked by Belinda B 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Bush Visits a Nursing Home
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
2006-09-02 03:31:05 · answer #1 · answered by :) 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....
DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...
P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...
Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to
the counter and says to the social worker, "Hi... You know,
I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Sir your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes.
All your clothing will be provided.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday
trips.
You will have to satisfy all her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
Your starting salary will be $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Deciphering Men's Speech Patterns
1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.
4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?
6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.
8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?
2006-09-02 05:20:14 · answer #2 · answered by dazed & confused 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
2006-09-02 04:03:23 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore, "she told him "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!
"The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!
2006-09-02 03:18:17 · answer #4 · answered by steve 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
On their wedding night, this young bride told her husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
2006-09-02 03:07:37 · answer #5 · answered by Pd 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"
2006-09-02 03:25:56 · answer #6 · answered by Bored? 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Blond nursery rhyme > Humpme Dumpme !
2006-09-02 03:21:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Crikey, i've just seen 2 deaf lesbians walking down the street with thier hands down each others knickers! Do you think they were lip reading???? lol...
2006-09-02 03:14:51 · answer #8 · answered by Platinum 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
go to this website and watch the videos. The latest videos are on the top, then go down and choose a catogorey of what kind of video u want to watch: http://www.funny-games.biz/videos/
go to this website for funny pics: http://www.funny-games.biz/pictures/
2006-09-02 04:04:23 · answer #9 · answered by Haider Ayub 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
SUNA HAI K AAP KI EK EK smile per log martay hai............
so keep smiling
to reduce
population
ad bas bhi
karo,sab ko
aaj hi maroge kya??????????????
:-)
2006-09-02 03:23:51 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋