having a bad day and I need some laughs????

Question

recently broke up with my boyfriend and was hoping someone could tell me the most hilarious joke ever and make me laugh.

Answer 1

go to:

http://www.jupitergreetings.com/?target=card&id=9&start=0&categoryid=18

Answer 2

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along with her.


She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"


Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going tohave TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

Answer 3

There's a black man siting at a bar when a fagg came in and sat next to him and got a drink. After a drink or two the fagg got his nerve up and asked the black man if he wanted a bl0wjob. The black man started beating him up and threw him out the door. When he returned to his seat the bar tender asked what the fagg had said to **** him off. The black man said I don't know but it was something about a job.

Answer 4

Good morning, here is one for your joy:

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lilly put up her hand. "Yes, Lilly?" asked the teacher.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."
"Very good. Thanks, Lilly," said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!"

Answer 5

she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and i'd have to quit then i caught her spending $65 on makeup and i asked how come i had to give up stuff and she didn't she said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me i told her that was what the beer was for. i dont think she's coming back =/

Answer 6

once there was a fight between a mathematician and a historian....after a hot argument..the historian says "I will bring napoleon and all his soldiers and they will cut u into pieces"..the mathematician replied..." i will put napoleon and all his soldiers within brackets and multiply with zero (i.e. {napoleon & his soldiers} x 0 = 0 )....hope u enjoy it....all the best.....be a woman of substance

Answer 7

well...when time i was walking in front of my crush, so my friend said something really funny to make me laugh. well i laughed a little TOO hard and FARTED right in front of him! it was terrible!

Answer 8

if u easnt u can call me and i can test out my stand up routine call me

Answer 9

Politically Correct (PC) Terms:
A Criminal - unsavory character
A Crook - morally (ethically) challenged
Abortion - Near-Life Experience
Alcoholic - Anti-Sobriety Activist
Alive - temporarily metabolically abled.
An Immigrant - a newcomer
Assassination - involuntary term limitation
Bald - comb-free
Bald - folically independent
Bald - follicularly challenged.
Battle Fatigued - shellshocked
Blind - optically darker
Blind - photonically non-receptive
Blind - visually challenged
Body Odor - nondiscretionary fragrance.
Broken Down Automobile - mechanically challenged
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
Bum - Displaced Homeowner
Bum - Homeless Person
Bum - Involuntarily Domiciled
Cannibalism - Intra-Species Dining
Censorship - Selective Speech
Cheating - Academic Dishonesty
China - Porcelain
Chronically Late - Temporarily Challenged
Clumsy - uniquely coordinated
Commercial Fisherman - Flipper Whipper
Computer Illiterate - Technologically Challenged
Corpse - Permanently Static Post-Human Mass
Corpse / Stiff - Metabolically Challenged
Corpse / Stiff - Terminally Inconvenienced
Cowardly - Challenge Challenged
Cowboys - bovine control officers
Crackpot - certified astrological consultant, certified crystal therapist, or certified past-life regression hypnotist
Crime Rate - street activity index
Dead - Actuarially Mature
Dead - biologically challenged
Dead - environmentally correct human
Dead - living impaired
Dead - metabolically challenged
Dead - persons living with entropy
Deaf - Visually Oriented
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm
Dirty Old Man - sexually focused chronologically gifted individual
Dish Washer - utensil sanitizer
Dishonest - Ethically disoriented.
Dorm - Residence Hall
Drooling Drunk Idiot - person on floor
Drowning - aquatically challenged
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Drunk - spacially perplexed
Drunk / Junkie - in recovery
Earthquake - geological correction
Fail - achieve a deficiency.
Fat - Differently Weighted
Fat - gravitationally challenged
Fat - horizontally challenged.
Fat - horizontally gifted
Fat - People of Mass
Fat - person of substance
Fictional / Mythological - ontologically challenged
Freshman - first-year student
Frog - amphibian American
Full of Crap - fecally plenary
Gang - Youth Group
Garbage Man - sanitation engineer
Gas Station Attendent - petroleum transfer technician
Geek, Nerd, whatever... - socially challenged
Ghetto / Barrio - Ethnically Homogenous Area
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh
Handicapped - Differently Abled, Handi-Capable
Having PMS - cyclically challenged
Hearing Person - temporarily aurally abled
Homeless - outdoor urban dwellers
Homeless - residentially flexible
Homelessness - Mortgage-Free Living
Housebroken - Family Disfunction
Housewife - domestic engineer
Hunter - Animal Assassin
Hunter - Bambi Butcher
Hunter - Meat Mercenary
Ignorant - factually unencumbered
Ignorant - knowledge-based nonpossessor.
Incompetent - Differently Qualified
Incompetent - Specially Skilled
Incompetent - Uniquely Proficient
Insane People - Mental Explorers
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive
Insult - Emotional Rape
Janitor - sanitation engineer
Klutz - kinesthetically challenged
Large Nose - nasally gifted
Lazy - motivationally dispossessed
Lazy - motivationally deficient.
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Library - Educational Resource Center
Logger - Wood Weasel
Logger - Paper Pirate
Logger -Treeslayer
Loser - Second Place
Loser - uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path
Man-hole - maintenance hole
Mankind - humankind
MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON - Earth Children
Mercy Killing - Euthanasia
Mercy Killing - Putting Down/To Sleep/Out of Misery
Messy - differently organized
Meter Maid - Parking enforcer
Midget / Dwarf - Little People
Midget / Dwarf - Vertically Challenged
Mute/Dumb - verbally challenged
Not with somebody at the moment - romantically challenged -
Off - energy-efficient
Old - chronologically gifted
Old Person / Elderly - Gerontologically Advanced
Old Person / Elderly - Senior Citizens
Panhandler - Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
Paper Bag - processed tree carcass
Perverted - Sexually dysfunctional.
Pimp-mobile / Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Plagiarism - Previously Owned Prose
Po' - financially inept
Policeman, Policewoman - law inforcement officer
Poor - economically marginalized
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Poor - monetarily challenged
Postman - letter carrier
Pregnant - parasitically oppressed.
Prisoner - client of the correctional system
Prostitute - sex care provider
Psychobabble - constructivist feminist psychotherapy
Psychopath - socially misaligned
Racist - genetically discriminating
Really Big Nosed - nasally disadvantaged
Redneck - person of region
Redneck - rustically inclined
Refugees - asylum seekers
Road Kill - Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form
Rudeness - Tact Avoidance
Runny Nose - nasally gifted
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Serial-Killer - Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Shoplifter - Cost-of-Living Adjustment Specialist
Short - vertically challenged
Sighted Person - temporarily visually abled
Slum - Economic Oppression Zone
**** - suffering from a sex addiction (female)
Someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone - morally handicapped
Spendthrift - negative saver.
Stained - creatively re-dyed
Steward, Stewardess - flight attendant
Stoned - Chemically inconvenienced.
Stud - suffering from a sex addiction (male)
Stupid - differently-brained
Stupid - intellectually impaired
The Elderly - Senior citizens
Thin - horizontally challenged
Thirsty - osmotically challenged
Tone Deaf - musically delayed
Too old/young - other aged
Too Tall - people of height
Tree-Hugger - environmental activist
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Ugly - aesthetically challenged
Ugly - Cosmetically different.
Ugly - facially challenged
Unemployed - Involuntarily leisured.
Used Books - Recycled Books
Vagrant - Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Vegetable - noble unconscious hero
Vice President - Post-Coronary Leader of the Free World
Vocal Minority - target equity group
Vomiting - Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices
Waiter, Waitress - food server
War-Monger - Peacekeeper, patriot
Welfare Bum - economically disadvantaged
Whaler - Blubber Lover
White - melanin-impoverished
White American - racially challenged
White Boy - rhythmically challenged
White Trash - caucasian culturally-disadvantaged
Wife - unpaid sex slave
Worst - least best.
Wrong - differently logical.

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Politically Correct Terms For Females:
Her breasts will never sag, they will lose their vertical hold.
She does not get drunk, she is accidentally over served or she becomes verbally dyslexic.
She does not get PMS, she becomes hormonally homicidal.
She does not hate sports on TV, she is athletically biased.
She does not have a great butt, she is gluteus to the maximus.
She does not have a hard body, she is anatomically inflexible.
She does not have a killer body, she is terminally attractive.
She does not have big hair, she is overly aerosoled.
She does not have big hooters, her cups runneth over.
She does not have great cleavage or a great rack, her breasts are centrally located.
She does not have sexy lips, she is collagen dependent.
She does not shave her legs, she experiences temporary stubble reduction.
She does not shop too much, she is overly susceptible to marketing ploys.
She does not snore, she is nasally repetitive.
She does not sun bathe, she experiences solar enhancement.
She does not wear too much makeup, she is cosmetically oversaturated.
She does not work out too much, she is an abdominal overachiever.
She does not: Get Drunk, She becomes Verbally Dyslexic
She is not a bad cook, she is microwave compatible.
She is not a bad driver, she is automotively challenged.
She is not A Gossip, She is a Verbal Terminator
She is not a gossip, she is a verbal terminator.
She is not a Perfect 10, she is numerically superior.
She is not cold or frigid, she is thermally incompatible.
She is not easy, she is horizontally accessible.
She is not hooked on soap operas, she is melodramatically fixated.
She is not too skinny, she is skeletally prominent.
She will never gain weight, she will become a metabolic underachiever.
You do not ask her to dance, you request a precoital rhythmic experience.

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Politically Correct Terms For Males:
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative
He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed
He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia
He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated
He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy
He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist
You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have a: Introspective pornographic moment
He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged
He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection
He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development
He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations
He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression
You do not: Buy him a drink You initiate an: Alcohol-For-Conversation exchange
He does not: Fart and belch He is: Gastronomically expressive
His jeans are not: Too tight He is: Anatomically under circulated
He is not a: Redneck He is a: Genetically-related American
You do not: Kiss him You become: Facially conjoined
He is not a: Cradle robber He prefers: Generationally differential relationships
He does not get: Falling down drunk He becomes: Accidentally horizontal
He does not: Act like a total jerk He develops a: Case of rectal-cranial inversion
He is not: Short He is: Anatomically compact
He does not have a: Rich daddy He is a: Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion
He does not: Constantly talk about cars He has a: Vehicular addiction
He does not have a: Hot body He is: Physically combustible

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Politically Correct Phrases For Students:
No one fails a class any more, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded any more. They merely "hit social speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
It's not called gossip any more. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

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Politically Correct Terms For Cat Owners:
My cat does not barf hairballs he is a floor/rug redecorator
My cat does not break things she helps gravity do its job
My cat does not fear dogs they are merely sprint practice tools
My cat does not gobble she eats with alacrity
My cat does not scratch he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator
My cat does not yowl he is singing off-key
My cat is not a "shedding machine" she is a hair relocation stylist
My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile" she enjoys the proximity of food
My cat is not a bed hog he is a mattress appreciator
My cat is not a chatterbox she is advising me on what to do next
My cat is not a dope addict she is catnip appreciative
My cat is not a lap fungus he is bed selective
My cat is not a pest she is attention deprived
My cat is not a ruthless hunter she is a wildlife control expert
My cat is not evil she is badness enhanced
My cat is not fat he is mass enhanced
My cat is not hydrophobic she has an inability to appreciate moisture
My cat is not lazy he is motivationally challenged
My cat is not underfoot she is leading me to my next destination (the food dish!)

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'Twas The (Politically Correct)
Night Before Christmas:
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to
distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All
follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should
be made to [e-mail] . Happy Holidays!


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Politically Correct Seasons Greetings:
Christmas Thoughts
Please accept with no obligation,
implied or implicit our best wishes for
an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral,
celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most
enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular
practices of your choice, with respect
for the religious/secular persuasions
and/or traditions of others, or their
choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all ...

and a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset
of the generally accepted calendar
year _______, but not without due respect
for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to
society have helped make America great,
(not to imply that America is necessarily
greater than any other country or is
the only "AMERICA" in the western
hemisphere), and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability,
religious faith, choice of computer platform,
or sexual preference of the wishee.

- DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTABILITY -

(By accepting this greeting,
you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to
clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the
original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually
implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is
void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of
the wisher. This wish is warranted
to perform as expected within the
usual application of good tidings
for a period of one year, or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish
or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher.)