Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend.
"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."

"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," said his friend.
"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room.
When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge er-ction. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat...
You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!

2007-01-31 07:51:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm looking for any Valentine's Day jokes about cupid, love, hearts, etc. Nothing obscene please.

2007-01-31 07:50:36 · 1 answers · asked by TML ♥'er 3

A man was complaining to a friend:

"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

2007-01-31 07:48:38 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know that when life gives you lemons it means a couple of different things. But what about when life gives you apples.

2007-01-31 07:43:38 · 39 answers · asked by James U 1

2007-01-31 07:40:56 · 8 answers · asked by silly c 1

Why did the blonde get fired from her job working at an M&M factory?

She kept throwing out all of the W's

2007-01-31 07:40:44 · 8 answers · asked by iluvmyself676 3

It's 8:30 p.m. .The father puts little timmy to bed. "good night dad." "good night son."
As soon as the father goes to his room and gets comfy in his bed, little timmy comes running in. "dad, dad, there was something moving in my room." Dad- "It must have been a shadow or something son." " but... alright you can sleep with me tonight." "Thanks dad!"
Later on, the father was thinking about his wife who's on a trip and misses having sex with her. he slowly started getting an erection. "dad?" (the father snaps back into reality) oh, uhh , what is it son? son- "what was that under the blanket?" father-well uh.. timothy,..ummm... that was Mr. bear." "Just go to sleep and he'll leave you alone." timmy- "alright." The next morning the father wakes up in a hospital. (slowly starts recovering focus) Timmy what happened? Tim- Oh! dad! I got to tell you! Mr. bear came back that night, and he was staring at me. He spit on my face, so I broke his neck.

2007-01-31 07:40:26 · 1 answers · asked by Lenneth's true challenge 4

something to make me laugh and isnt mean to a certain person

2007-01-31 07:38:11 · 13 answers · asked by godschild 5

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". He won!

2007-01-31 07:37:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

you seem kind of yellow today.

is this funny yes or no.

2007-01-31 07:34:45 · 15 answers · asked by 사랑 측정기 1

Another violation?but i think you will laugh?
paddy goes into the pub with a grenade hanging from each ear.murphy says''why have you got a grenade hanging from each ear paddy''paddy says ''cos everytime mick walks in he clouts me round the ears and says 'owz it going paddy' i have had enuff of this so tonite im goin to blow his effin hands off''

2007-01-31 07:32:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

BLACK MAN WALKS INTO A CAFE EARLY ONE MORNING AND NOTICES HE'S THE ONLY ONE THERE

AS HE SAT DOWN HE NOTICED A WHITE MAN SAT BEHIND HIM, THE WHITE MAN SAID "COLOURED PEOPLE ARN'T ALLOWED IN HERE" .

THE BLACK MAN REPLIED...

"WHEN I WAS BORN I WAS BLACK

WHEN I GREW UP I WAS BLACK

WHEN I'M SICK I'M BLACK

WHEN I GO IN THE SUN I'M BLACK

WHEN I'M COLD I'M BLACK

AND WHEN I DIE I'M BLACK.

BUT YOU SIR...

WHEN YOU WERE BORN YOU WERE PINK

WHEN YOUR'E SICK YOUR'E GREEN

WHEN YOU STAY IN THE SUN YOUR'E RED

WHEN YOUR'E COLD YOU TURN BLUE

AND WHEN YOU DIE YOU TURN "PURPLE."

"AND YET YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL ME COLOURED"

THE BLACK MAN TURNED BACK AROUND AND THE WHITE MAN WALKED AWAY.

2007-01-31 07:31:34 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have rivers without water,
Forests without trees,
Mountains without rocks
Towns without houses.
What am I?

2007-01-31 07:31:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I begin eternity,
And end space,
At the end of time,
And in every place,
Last in life,
Second to death,
Never alone,
Found in your breath,
Contained by earth,
Water or flame,
My grandeur so awesome,
Wind dare not tame,
Not in your mind,
Am in your dreams,
Vacant to Kings,
Present to Queens.

2007-01-31 07:30:12 · 10 answers · asked by John P 6

It will be a challenge.. but I love a good challenge... ;)

2007-01-31 07:28:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

paddy goes into the pub with a grenade hanging from each ear.murphy says''why have you got a grenade hanging from each ear paddy''paddy says ''cos everytime mick walks in he clouts me round the ears and says 'owz it going paddy' i have had enuff of this so tonite im goin to blow his effin hands off''

2007-01-31 07:28:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

buy the truck load

2007-01-31 07:26:11 · 6 answers · asked by hoehoe 1

2007-01-31 07:23:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Actual Sentences Found In Hospital Patient Charts:

- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicide.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40lb weight gain in the past 3 days.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
- Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

2007-01-31 07:20:33 · 5 answers · asked by Tink 5

Black I am and much admired, men seek me until they're tired. When they find me, they break my head, and take from me my resting bed. What am I?

2007-01-31 07:19:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 07:12:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

everyone knows i have a bad rep but i can careless.i cryed because i almost dropped my baby,atleast i know the real daddy.

2007-01-31 07:10:09 · 10 answers · asked by Ms.J 2

your bike

2007-01-31 07:08:47 · 10 answers · asked by hoehoe 1

was what i saw when that old lady bent over and wasn't wearing panties.

2007-01-31 07:06:27 · 2 answers · asked by Lenneth's true challenge 4

Told a joke using the correct name for a d?ck you know the word, p?n?s,and had the joke withdrawn. Following a recent violation I feel that it is no longer worth the effort, what do I do carry on? Or as I feel like doing, chucking it in for keeps

2007-01-31 07:03:45 · 5 answers · asked by bo nidle 4

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently
put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation
went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."

Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.
But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste
like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a
Spotted Owl."

2007-01-31 06:57:37 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax, let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....... He sighed................

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

2007-01-31 06:57:03 · 10 answers · asked by iluvmyself676 3

4 gay guys sit in a hot tub. while in the midst of relaxing, they all notice bubbles rising slowly to the surface and thus revealing semen. One of the guys looks at the rest and says, "Alright ladies, who farted?"

2007-01-31 06:54:43 · 8 answers · asked by Lenneth's true challenge 4

i can make fun of everyone. i make fun of molestation, rape, burn victims, starving children,blacks,mexicans,asians,whites, EVERYTHING. and they arent realy funny either they are just downright cruel. and i am a pretty caring and compassionate person but this is my sense of humor. so what gives?

2007-01-31 06:48:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my p--is to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did...

2007-01-31 06:48:01 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous