Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole." Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!" Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole." Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

2007-01-31 02:35:38 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your a**, at your computer, reading jokes (or answering questions).

Now get back to work!

2007-01-31 02:33:38 · 3 answers · asked by muskrat_h8r 2

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.

As the room quieted down he walked up to the redhead bartender, and asked her,

"May I please use the restroom?"

The redhead replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!

He went to the bartender and said, "Miss, I, don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the redhead. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the redhead, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

2007-01-31 02:31:53 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man put ice in2 his condom 2 keep the swelling down.
my boss said i would gwt a raise when i`d earned it.he`s mad if he thinks i`m going 2 wait that long.

2007-01-31 02:22:50 · 6 answers · asked by happy chappy 5

2007-01-31 02:21:56 · 9 answers · asked by Chuckles! 1

Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

2007-01-31 02:21:48 · 3 answers · asked by thatgirl127 3

2007-01-31 02:18:50 · 2 answers · asked by ? 2

The owner of a chemist arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."

2007-01-31 02:16:23 · 7 answers · asked by Flying Scotsman 2

2007-01-31 02:16:14 · 3 answers · asked by happy chappy 5

A women and a man are in a collision,but they both escape unhurt-though their cars are written off. as they crawl out of the wreckage the man sees the women is the most beutiful blonde he has ever seen.She says to him"Thats amazing,both our cars are wrecked but were both fine its a sign we are meant to be together"

"Yes i agree"the man says unable to believe his luck

"although my car is ruined I saved this bottle of wine,another sign we are ment to be together,lets drink to our love"she says

with that she hands him the bottle and drowns half off it
"your turn"he says

"aww no thanks im gonna wait for the police first!"

2007-01-31 02:07:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual.

2007-01-31 01:56:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy- "I have a baseball." Man- "That's nice." Boy- "Want to buy it?" Man- "No, thanks." Boy- "My dad's outside." Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here." Man- "Yes, it is." Boy- "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy- "$750." Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

2007-01-31 01:55:30 · 6 answers · asked by thatgirl127 3

Hide the spade !

2007-01-31 01:44:34 · 4 answers · asked by Flying Scotsman 2

I am having a really bad day people. Is anyone else having a bad day? Has anyone got any good jokes to cheer me up?;(

2007-01-31 01:44:11 · 3 answers · asked by Banny Grasher 4

After 5 yrs of marriage, the husband talks and the wife listens. After 10 yrs......... the wife talks and the husband listens.
After 15 yrs.................... both talk and the neighbours listen.

2007-01-31 01:36:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

u saw three people waiting an old women in avery bad situation almost near death if she is not treated very fast and a friend has made u a favor long time ago and u must help him and the women u love along time and u realy cant believe that u saw her again and u want to discuss alot of things with her and u cant only to take only one person from those and go away whom u would choose ..................??? come on make up ur minds.. no one tell me now if there was... or send another ....or why there were far and....etc this is the situation answer depending on those info

2007-01-31 01:30:40 · 7 answers · asked by sereena b 2

2007-01-31 01:28:44 · 10 answers · asked by redhead 1

"Pinky and The Brain!
Pinky and The Brain!
One is a Genious...

2007-01-31 01:27:56 · 22 answers · asked by A Guy in Manhattan, NY 1

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

2007-01-31 01:21:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

what starts with an f ends with r,,,what starts with an m ends with r,,,what starts with b end with r,,,what starts with s ends with r? hint-they all relate,,,can ya guess?

2007-01-31 01:11:54 · 4 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

he kneaded a poo !!!

2007-01-31 01:08:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

They were 25 milesfrom land and each of them got a wish.
The first blonde wishes to be the worlds best swimmer. She becomes the best, swims out but half way to land a wave hits and she drowns
The second blonde wishes for a raft. She then gets the raft and trys to go to land but a wave hits her and she dies.
The third blonde says '' I wish I had a different hair colour''. Her hair changes to black and she takes the bridge to land.

2007-01-31 01:08:28 · 15 answers · asked by firestarter 2

Everything went well at first, but one day as she was shaving a man with a cut-throat razor, a mouse ran up her leg.
You should have seen the expression on the customer's face when his head stopped rolling.

2007-01-31 01:07:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-31 01:00:23 · 6 answers · asked by pringles 2

By all Means... MARRY!!! - Have a good laugh !!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does a woman want?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

2007-01-31 00:53:11 · 8 answers · asked by Blaze 3

ok so there is three guys and they only have one canoo and they need to get across the canal. The thing is the canoo only hold 100 lbs. and two of the guys weight 50lbs. and the other guy weights 100lbs. How do they get across the canal with only that one canoo?

The first person with the right answer gets 10 points!

2007-01-31 00:47:18 · 6 answers · asked by Kristen 1

I have seen far more adult content joke get by no prob. I never used anything abusive or too risque, are some of you so anally retentive and lacking in a sense of humour,after all they were posted on jokes and riddles.still i'll turn the other cheek,and carry on regardless of them SAD offended Geeks on Q/A , Oh Nurse!!

2007-01-31 00:44:20 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said,
"I am sorry,but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?"
I would say:
"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner."


The teacher fainted.

2007-01-31 00:30:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.

"Yes madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?"

"Braille," she replied.

2007-01-31 00:24:30 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

2007-01-31 00:18:59 · 8 answers · asked by Jodi C 5