Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

At one time, the Canadian and US dollars were discounted by 10 cents on each side of the border (i.e., a Canadian dollar was worth 90 US cents in the US, and a US dollar was worth 90 Canadian cents in Canada). A man walks into a bar on the US side of the border, orders 10 US cents worth of beer, pays with a US dollar and receives a Canadian dollar in change. He then walks across the border to Canada, orders 10 Canadian cents worth of beer, pays with a Canadian dollar and receives a US dollar in change. He continues this throughout the day, and ends up dead drunk with the original dollar in his pocket.

Who pays for the drinks?

2007-01-31 00:17:49 · 8 answers · asked by Basement Bob 6

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

2007-01-31 00:17:46 · 5 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

It is very bad luck isn't it?

2007-01-31 00:15:17 · 17 answers · asked by ? 3

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."


The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"


"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."


"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.


The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"


She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

2007-01-31 00:14:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

13. I'll call you later.

12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.

11. You look great.

10. Of course I love you.

9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

8. ...but we can still be good friends.

7. She means nothing to me.

6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

4. The check is in the mail.

3. I've never done anything like this before.

2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

1. I DO.


Do u wanna Share any other????

2007-01-31 00:02:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

My mum got so freaked out from one of those david copperfield emails where you have to pick a card and then he guesses the card you pick. She said she couldnt sleep for two nights until someone told her what the trick was! I thought it was hillarious,

So what have you heard that is funny?

2007-01-30 23:59:40 · 6 answers · asked by f_jayce 5

when she got there she met St. Peter. She saw a bunch of clocks hanging near the gate. When she asked about these, Peter explained that each person has a clock and the hands on your clock moved only when you sinned. Hilliary then asked Peter where Bill (Clinton)'s clock was. Where was it?

2007-01-30 23:50:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a driving mirror in USA: "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a steering wheel lock: "Warning -- remove lock before driving."

On a Korean kitchen knife: "Keep out of children."

On a carton of sleeping tablets: "Clinically proved night time sleep aid... Warning: May cause drowsiness..."

On a Chinese packet of peanuts: "Open packet and eat contents."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not try to stop the saw with your hands."

On an can of insecticide: "Kills all kinds of insects... Warning: this product is harmful to bees."

2007-01-30 23:49:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

John calls his boss in the morning, "Hey boss, I cant come work today I feel really sick. I got a headache, an upset stomach, and my legs hurt, so I wont be in."

The boss says, "You know John I really need you today. When I feel like this I spend the morning in bed having sex with my wife. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later John calls, "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you've got a nice house."

2007-01-30 23:46:53 · 15 answers · asked by Flying Scotsman 2

1. if a red house is made of red bricks, blue house of blue bricks, yellow house of yellow bricks, then what is a green house made of?
2. say silk silk silk
what does a cow drink?
3. what do u put in a toaster?
4. if the minute handd moves by 1/60 degree a min
then how much degree will it move in an hour?

answer these
may the best man win

2007-01-30 23:45:03 · 16 answers · asked by karikool 3

When the priest can't help but notice what a terrible hacking cough the footie fan has. Remembering his christian values the priest wanting to help out in such a situation, reaches inside his robes trying to find the packet of cough sweets he has hidden in an inside pocket, he pulls them out and points at the footie fan saying in broken english "For cough?"

The footie fan screws up his face and in a growl he says "You fck off".

2007-01-30 23:33:20 · 3 answers · asked by florrie f 3

Is it a bright idea or
I wonder if I am becoming mad ?

2007-01-30 23:31:37 · 27 answers · asked by ? 2

2007-01-30 23:29:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The old spinster left instructions that when she died, she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born a Virgin, Lived as a Virgin, Died a Virgin." The tombstone carver gave his workers the instructions, but they were a lazy bunch and decided to shorten the inscription. They wrote: "Returned unopened."

2007-01-30 23:21:17 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-30 23:14:29 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2

There is a transparent glass beaker, like the one is used in Chemistry labs. This transparent glass beaker is filled with a carbonated cola drink upto 25ml. The capacity of the beaker is only 50ml.

Now lot of bubbles are happening in this carbonated drink inside the beaker. The word 'THERAPY' is also written on the outer side of the transparent glass beaker.

You have to tell me what am I talking about? Remember to give logic.

2007-01-30 23:11:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

But why do people always slag off blondes when they are naturally brown or something.

2007-01-30 22:56:37 · 8 answers · asked by Richbitch 3

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

2007-01-30 22:55:34 · 21 answers · asked by yoong_davinia_david 1

2007-01-30 22:49:02 · 15 answers · asked by ? 2

a boy went to a shop so did Michael Jackson
he bought a chocolate bar so did Michael Jackson
he went home so did Michael Jackson
sat in front of the fire so did Michael Jackson
the chocolate bar melted so did Michael Jackson

2007-01-30 22:44:57 · 20 answers · asked by Dan 2

How do you know if you'd make a good pirate.?.

you just aah

2007-01-30 22:41:54 · 17 answers · asked by Mr (FnC).. Frogncat 5

After I have risen to my fullest of height,
I am sentenced to die at the peak of my life.
Now I'm in a box living my second life,
Only to be killed again in 5 minutes at the touch of a light.
What am I?

2007-01-30 22:37:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local pub. One of them says, "You know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's v*gina and then rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's v*gina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring b0ner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's v*gina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!"
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

2007-01-30 22:34:26 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-30 22:28:12 · 13 answers · asked by Green Valley 2

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

2007-01-30 22:27:11 · 19 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

Can I get a pair of tights for my wife ?



Yeah, that sounds like a good swap !

2007-01-30 22:21:11 · 13 answers · asked by Flying Scotsman 2

2007-01-30 22:17:45 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag

2007-01-30 22:17:33 · 13 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we blondes are going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

2007-01-30 22:15:23 · 17 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I
swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does."

2007-01-30 22:13:46 · 11 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1