Please submit your funniest ever jokes?

Answer 1

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

I think it is funny what do you think

Answer 2

what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a ********.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

Answer 3

Guy walks into a bar and notices a jar of $100 bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, "what's with the jar?" The bartender replies, "It's a challenge. You put in $100 and I have 3 things that need to be done. If you complete the 3 things, you keep the jar!"
The guy says "Wow! What are the challenges?"
The bartender says, "See that bouncer over there? I've been trying to get rid of him for years."
The guy looks towards the door and sees a giant. The bouncer is just HUGE. So, thinking he's already out of this, he asks about the last two challenges. The bartender tells him "upstairs there are two rooms. In the first is a pitbull with a bad tooth. You have to pull that tooth. In the second room is a 94 year old woman who's never had an orgasm. You have to bring her to orgasm."
The guy laughs to himself, flips off the bartender and walks away with a beer.
Roughly 10 beers and 7 shots later, the guy feels invincible. He pulls out a $100, slaps it in the jar and grabs a barstool. He creeps up behind the bouncer and whacks the crap out of him with the barstool! The bouncer is out cold and the guy drags him to the dumpster.
He runs back in the building, up the stairs and right into that first room. The bar screeches to a halt with the sound of wailing and screaming.... the dog is growling and barking.... the guy is crying out in pain.... This goes on for about ten minutes. When the door finally opens, the guy comes out. He's COVERED in blood... his arm is hanging by shreds of flesh.... you can barely tell he's even human and he says... "Ok! Where's the old lady with the bad tooth!?!?!?"

Answer 4

Love this... still laughing haha

Two wrestlers... a Russian and an Aussie, were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.
Before the final match, the Aussie's trainer came to him and said " Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do , do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're FINISHED!!

The Aussie nodded "OK" . . .

As the match started, the Aussie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Aussie and wrapping him up in the dreaded "pretzel" hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying into the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Aussie collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astoundedand when he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The Aussie wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So that's how you finished him off ! " the trainer exclaimed.

"Not really... You'd be amazed at how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!!!"




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Lil Johnnie

Little Johnie hadn't spoken a word in all his six years of life. Finally, one morning at breakfast he cried out, 'Mum, the toast's burnt!' His amazed mother hugged him joyfully and asked, 'Johnny, why haven't you spoken before?'
'Well,' he replied 'everythings been all right up till now.'



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Where Do I Come From?


'Where did I come from, Mum?' asked a six year old.
Mum had been dreading the question but decided against euphemism. She gave the little boy a very frank, candid description beginning with the sex act and concluding with the dramas of the delivery room. She then awaited his reaction.
I just wondered,' said the child. 'The boy who sits in front of me comes from New Zealand.'


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LOVE....

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, It will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't
appear to realise that you had set it free.....

You either married it or gave birth to it

Answer 5

So, back in 1995 the National Poetry Society (NPS) decided they wanted to find the best poet in the country. The first started with each state finding their best poet, then went into regions, and so on and so forth until they got down to their last two contendants. They set the day to have the final poetry contest. In a big arena, filled with thousands of fans, they finally had the contest. They got the two contestants together and explained the rules. "This is how it will work," says the judge. "One of you will go into the sound proof booth. We give the other a word. You have 30 seconds to use that word in a poem. You recite the poem. After we pull out contestant number two, give you the same word and you have 30 seconds, then shall recite your poem. We then judge your poems." The coin was flipped and one poet was sent to the booth, while the other was given his word. "Alright contestant, your word is 'Timbuctu.' Alright, 30 seconds and counting..." All that could be heard was the gentle humming of the poet thinking of his poem.

"Alright! And your thirty seconds are up! Let's hear it"

"Alright, here's my poem... Out across the desert sand, could be seen a caravan. Camels walking two by two, destination Timbuctu." The crowd went wild! "Alright, thank you contestant. Good work. Now, bring out the next one." Contestant number two comes out.

"Alright sir, are you ready?"

"Yes, I am."

"Ok, you're word is 'Timbuctu.' You have thirty seconds."

"Wait! Timbuctu?"

"Yes, that's the word."

"But what does it mean?"

"I'm sorry sir, we can say, your thirty seconds are counting."

"Wait! Ugg... Ok... Mmmm..." The poor contestant mumbled as he tried to think. "Alright! Your thirty seconds are up. Do you have it?"

"Umm...I think so..."

"Let's hear it."

"Umm...ok...alright....(cough) Tim and I a hunting went, and came across a maiden tent. They be three and we be two. So I buck one and Tim buck two."

Answer 6

A driver is pulled over by a policeman.

Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.

Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing bar an empty boot.

Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.

Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Answer 7

there was this president of a faraway country where none of his nation loved him, u know those kinds of dectator leaders, but he pretended that everything is fine.
once he, his wife and son were on board of a plane in a journey to somewhere. then the president suddenly said addressing his wife: darling how about throwing a hundred dollars from the plane and so make a whole family of our beloved country happy. the wife said: no no honey, i really prefer if u divide the hundred into two fifties and so make two families happy instead of one. the son then interfered and suggested throwing ten tens instead of a one hundred and make ten families of the beloved country happy.
they all got confused and decided to ask the pilot about their suggestions, after telling him the whole story the president said, ha frankly what do u think, my idea of a hundred or two fifties or ten tens, to please a whole family,
the pilot thought for a moment and said : frankly, you'd better throw yourself outa plane and make the whole nation of five million families happy.

Answer 8

A newly divorced, middle-aged man just bought a bright red Corvette and was speeding it down the freeway when he spotted a cop in his rear-view mirror.
"I can beat him." the man thought as he stomped on the gas. After a few moments, though, he realized the folly of his actions and pulled over.
The cop came up to the driver's side of the Corvette. "Look, mister, " he said, "I've had a long day and I'd just like to get home. If you can give me a good explanation why you were running from me, I'll let you go.
Thinking fast, the man said, "My wife left me for a police officer last week."
"So, why were you running from me?" the cop asked.
"I thought you were trying to give her back."
The cop stepped aside. "Have a nice day."

Answer 9

So this guy, introverted and shy and all that, met this outgoing girl. He fell in love right away, like most introvert do when they aren't right in the head one way or another, and try to get close to her as he can. Things happen and the girl hook up with another guy. Our hero, the introvert, found himself depressed and suicidal, nothing new here. One night, a revelation came to him, and he woke up and resolve to kill himself over nothing. He tried the pill, alcohol, gun to the head, but nothing worked. He would wake up 3 days after taking 100 sleeping pills, somebody would come and help him from alcohol poisoning, his gun always jammed everytime he try to shoot himself. He is now more depressed than before, his mind still think about the girl but somehow he found a reason to live. As he contemplate his life the next day, a bus struck him from behind and crush his skull like a tomato. A rotten tomato.

The moral of the story is: women are b*tches. Make money and buy yourself a dog.

Answer 10

A woman is like a KFC oncew you've got passed the nice firm breast and tender thighs all your left with is a gressy bucket to chuck your bone into.