Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

My uncle called me this morning and completly fooled me by saying that he had gotten this movie that I really wanted. This movie hasn't been released yet so you can imagine how excited I was...I could be the first to see the movie. The he said "April Fools!". So now not only do I look like an idiot but I also want (I should say need, but....) to take revenge!:P Any good tricks for April Fools'?

2007-04-01 11:47:24 · 5 answers · asked by barso*re*megha 2

the perfect employee
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

2007-04-01 11:45:27 · 1 answers · asked by well thts it...... 3

What is the funniest joke you played on someone today?

2007-04-01 11:34:48 · 12 answers · asked by hpage 3

2007-04-01 11:28:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. What did the Yank say to the Neanderthal?
A: Ain't we both members of de same club—de Hairy Apes?

SECRETARY—What's your name? I'll punch your card.
YANK—(confused) Name? Lemme timk.
SECRETARY—(sharply) Don't you know your own name?
YANK—Sure; but I been just Yank for too long—Bob, dat's it—Bob Smith.


YANK AND GEOGRAPHY (I think this one is hilarious!!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8SuCBHqXtQ

2007-04-01 11:19:35 · 4 answers · asked by dictator_cool 2

1) FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 3 yrs old, hateful little dog, bites
2) FREE PUPPIES, 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
3) FREE PUPPIES, part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
4) FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD, 85 lbs, neutred, speaks German
5) FOUND, dirty white dog, looks like a rat, been out a while, better be a reward
6) COWS, CALVES, Never bred, also one gay bull for sale
7)TREDMIL, $300, hardly used, call Chubby
8)GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown. $0.89/ lb
9)WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE, worn once by mistake, call Stephanie
10)FOR SALE BY OWNER, complete set of Encyclopedia, 45 volumes, excellent condition, $1000. No longer needed, got married last month and wife knows everything!

2007-04-01 11:07:20 · 4 answers · asked by ♥femme fatale♥ 2

A man came walking up to his grandparent's house, when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off into the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no clothes on from the waist down?", he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here without a shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
This was your Grandma's idea!!"

2007-04-01 11:02:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-01 10:40:18 · 21 answers · asked by bone 2

Last time I'll do that for two bucks!

2007-04-01 10:34:25 · 9 answers · asked by Bluelady... 7

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

2007-04-01 10:25:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-01 10:20:30 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

2007-04-01 09:55:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

He askes a girl"How about s£x?"
She replies"I'm on my menstrual cycle" "GREAT" says Paddy,"I'm on my scooter,I'll follow you home"!

2007-04-01 09:38:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Romeo and Juliet were locked in a castle, they were brought food twice a day and were allowed no possesions. In the room there is only a table, a glass of water and the couple. When found dead the only change in scene other than two corpses was the glass of water broken on the floor.

2007-04-01 09:14:01 · 7 answers · asked by anton t 7

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

2007-04-01 09:11:59 · 26 answers · asked by Erina♣Liszt's Girl 7

Men always miss them!!

2007-04-01 09:11:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hint they are behind my back
Another hint You cant see them

2007-04-01 09:01:39 · 50 answers · asked by Jay jay 1

can toy rtpw this santence with your rysr shie
.

haha i cant.
but can you?

2007-04-01 08:53:25 · 41 answers · asked by Kenzo 2

*Gender Test*
**
*Important Test!** *
*
Are you male or female??????
To know the answer, look down... *
* *
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
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*NOT HERE... MY FRIEND *
* *
I SAID LOOK DOWN....
**
NOT SCROLL DOWN...* *
**

2007-04-01 08:53:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A German midget puts springs on his hands and feet so he can make love to his 6ft tall Blonde girlfriend.

He gives her the best sh#g she's ever had.

He calls it the "Four Sprung Dwarf Technique"

2007-04-01 08:41:38 · 12 answers · asked by jabelite 3

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in.

What should have he said?

2007-04-01 08:29:46 · 9 answers · asked by ♥The ≈ μŊđīş¢¤vέřệÞ ≈ Me♥ 2

1. What do these have in common?
Eternity
Olive
Duke
Friends
2. What comes in the middle of August but doesnt come in any other month?
3. A plane crashed on the border between US and Mexico,where do they bury the survivors?

2007-04-01 08:24:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Smart @ss Answer #4: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at
the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her
family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Smart @ss Answer #3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Smart @ss Answer #2: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it,
the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out
of gas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
AND NOW....FOR THE......#1 SMART @SS ANSWER FOR THE YEAR OF 2005....

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family,but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"

A smart @ss guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have
to write the exam with your other hand."

2007-04-01 08:20:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years!”

2007-04-01 08:06:12 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

< http://d21c.com/scratch/holidays/egg.swf>

2007-04-01 07:47:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does it mean? My dad used to tell me to go and play tiddly winks with man hole covers?

2007-04-01 07:39:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Customer: Waiter! Waiter: Yes Customer: There's a fly in my soup. Waiter: Are you using a a spoon? Customer: YES!!! Waiter: Try using a fork. Customer: A fork. Waiter: Yes, a fork. Customer: That won't work either. Waiter: Are you sure your soup is compatible with the bowl, what kind of bowl are you using? Customer: A SOUP BOWL!!! Waiter: Try updating it to the soup of the day. Customer this is the soup of the day. Waiter: Try updating to the latest soup of the day. Customer You have more than one soup of the day. Waiter: Yes, every hour, the latest soup of the day is chouder. Customer: OK, I'll update to chouder. 30 minutes later... Waiter: Here is your soup. Customer:This is potato soup. Waiter: Well...Uh...we didn't have a compatible bowl. Customer:Just give me my BILL, and I'll go buy some iSoup for $50. bill tomato soup: $10 Upgrade to soup of the day $20 : iSoup $50.

2007-04-01 07:03:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-01 06:28:04 · 8 answers · asked by Me 7

Michael Mullens was in court for non payment of maintenance to his ex wife. The judge decided to increase his wife's allowance. So he told Michael I have decided to increase this allowance and give your wife 50 Pounds per week. Michael replied "you're a gentleman sir, and I might even send her a few bob myself.

2007-04-01 06:19:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men are traveling together. They each have 10 dollars on them. They stop at a hotel overnight to rent a room. They leave the clerk the 30 dollars they have to rent the room for the night. The clerk realizes that they overpaid since the room was only 25 dollars per night and gives the five dollars to the busboy and asks him to return the money to the men. When the busboy gets to the room, he realizes that there are three men there and he cannot divide the five dollars evenly by three men. He decides to give each man a dollar and to keep the remaining two dollars for himself as a tip.

So each man paid 9 dollars for the room (started with 10 dollars and ended with 1 dollar) The busboy wound up with 2 dollars for a tip. 9*3+2=29. What happened to the last dollar? Who has it?

This was a riddle my dad told me when I was little and it took me a long time to figure it out. I'll choose the first correct answer with lthe correct ogic behind it as the best answer at the end.

2007-04-01 05:55:57 · 6 answers · asked by Michelle M 2