Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers....

2007-04-03 11:04:10 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A boy asked his father?
Dad can i borrow the car.

no not until you cut your hair.

but jesus had long hair

but jesus walked everywhere

2007-04-03 11:02:07 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

2007-04-03 10:34:38 · 22 answers · asked by well thts it...... 3

what time is there?
here its 12:19!

2007-04-03 10:19:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

2007-04-03 09:36:19 · 8 answers · asked by elizacandle 4

with kindness...10 points for the funniest.

2007-04-03 08:54:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

After weekly Mass, a boy walks up to his father, who is watching football, and asks, "Dad, is God black or white?"

The dad, puzzled, replies back "Well, son, I guess God is both."

The little boy walks away, thinking about what he has just learned. Then, three or four minutes later, he returns.

"Dad, is God a man or a woman?"

The father, again confused at the question, replies "I've never really thought about it, but I suppose God is both"

The little boy walks away again, thinking about what he has just learned.

Three minutes later, the boy comes back and asks,

"Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"

(ba-dum-dum ching!)

2007-04-03 06:45:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mother Superior called a meeting of all the Nuns in her Convent. She explained she`d found a case of Ghonnorae . Thank God for that replied an elderly Nun " Im sick to death of drinking Chardonnay

2007-04-03 05:56:38 · 12 answers · asked by Gary Crant 7

Truest or funniest answer wins.

2007-04-03 05:12:13 · 17 answers · asked by Retodd 3

racist,Chinese,and those who cant count.

2007-04-03 05:09:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

2007-04-03 05:06:33 · 23 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

THIS IS A RIDDLE

2007-04-03 05:02:59 · 9 answers · asked by SONO 2

Two men stranded in the desert for 2 weeks,their remaining berries and nuts were running out and both feared certain death.

Well one day while out searching for food they suddenly smell fresh bacon cooking,as they reach the hill top there is a tree with no leaves but instead rashers of bacon hanging from the branches.

The first man runs down the hill and as he gets about 10ft from the tree he is gunned down by machine gun fire,his friend lays flat on the sand in terror,he calls to his friend"are you ok?"
"no"he answers "run it's not a bacon tree it's a HAMBUSH."

star if funny

2007-04-03 04:58:24 · 13 answers · asked by thewokinn 1

Can you make six squares of equal size using only 12 match sticks???????

-if you find a site that has the solution, please tell me!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-03 04:46:11 · 6 answers · asked by bearbearbear3sp 1

there was a chicken, fox, man, and some chicken food on the other side of the river. the man tried to get the chicken, the fox and the chiicken food on the other side of the river. he can only take one at a time to the other side river. the fox and the chicken can't be left alone because the fox will eat the chicken and the chicken and the chicken food can't be left alone. try to crack this riddle.

2007-04-03 04:29:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Funniest answer wins.

2007-04-03 04:20:46 · 10 answers · asked by Retodd 3

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating A**hole!!"

2007-04-03 04:20:15 · 46 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

2007-04-03 04:05:54 · 28 answers · asked by Just passing the time! 5

What do you call a nun in a cannon?
Virgin Airways

What you call a shop full of nuns?
Virgin megastores

Have a nice day! ♥

2007-04-03 03:55:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two elderly men who had known each other for years live too well in to their 90's when one day the older of the two falls gravelly ill.
While visiting his friend in hospital he leans over him and asks"when you reach heaven and if possible could you let me know if they play baseball up there?"sure replies the dying man then sadly passes away.

Well about two weeks later the dead man visits his friend and tells him he has good news and bad news,he says"the good news is that yes they do play baseball"
"what is the bad news"he asks?
"well"his friend replies"your pitching on tuesday."

2007-04-03 03:21:48 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde reported for her university final examination that
consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall,

stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin,

marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done,
whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing

the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

she says "I finished the exam in half an hour,
but I'm rechecking my answers."

2007-04-03 03:06:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.

They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.

After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"

The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."

So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.

The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress.

2007-04-03 02:54:11 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-03 01:13:20 · 43 answers · asked by rajus_rulers 1

There are 14 men and only 1 woman.

It doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map!

2007-04-02 23:20:59 · 13 answers · asked by Louis Junior. 4

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too

2007-04-02 20:06:22 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK HERE GOES-------------------------------------------------------------- A GUY WALKES INTO A BAR AND SAYE'S
"BARTENDER GIVE ME TEN SHOTS OF TAKELA"
THE GUY DRINKS UM ALL UP
THE BARTENDER SAYES "OH ARE YOU CELLIBRATING SOMETHING"
THE GUY SAYES " WHY YES I AM". . . " MY FIRST B JOB"
THE BARTENDER SAYES "OH CONGRATS LET ME BUY YOU ANOTHER SHOT"
THE GUY SAYES
" NO IF TEN SHOTS OF TAKELA WON'T GET THE TAIST OUT OF MY MOUTH I DONT KNOW WHAT WILL

2007-04-02 19:49:15 · 10 answers · asked by frosty 2

i think this joke is so funny someone told it to me a while ago so i will share it with you

there was a plane about to crash and there wasn't enough parachutes for everyone one guy said i'm the most handsome man in the world so i should get one he took one parachute and jumped off. then then one guy said i have a family i should get one he took a parachute and jumped off. then another guy said i'm the smartest man in the world and i should get one and he jumped off. now there was nobody but an old woman and a young boy. the old woman told the boy go ahead take the last parachute i've lived my life so i will go down with the plane just as he was about to take the parachute they relized there were two so the smartest man in the world jumped off without a parachute lol i thought that was funny

2007-04-02 19:33:08 · 12 answers · asked by pixie_gurl_89 1

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, the Priest called Sister Mary Katherine. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today.

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

2007-04-02 19:29:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-02 17:10:06 · 31 answers · asked by jump start 1

2007-04-02 16:45:51 · 34 answers · asked by jump start 1