Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

they have a few drink's and one for the road the giraffe has one to many and collapses on the floor, the barman says you can't leave that lying on the floor the man says that's not a lion that's a giraffe!

2007-04-05 09:51:34 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!


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2007-04-05 09:50:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.

'Mick, Mick, he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'

'In the name of God, said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

'They are indeed, said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'

But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'

2007-04-05 09:47:38 · 31 answers · asked by Erina♣Liszt's Girl 7

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"


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2007-04-05 09:42:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please...do you have any water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table. The Jew said, "I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it," rasped the Arab. "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

2007-04-05 09:42:15 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic… and that aftershave is just wonderful!" The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, a different voice emits from the *** machine. "You T*****T, you total WASTE OF F****** SPACE! Do you know, you're really F******* UGLY." By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

2007-04-05 09:28:13 · 22 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?/font>

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."


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2007-04-05 09:25:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Five Englishmen are in an Audi Quattro. They arrive at the Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer in charge, stops them and tells them: "'Fraid it's illegal to put Five people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means Four" replies Paddy.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"Oi! You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your Manager over - I want to speak to someone with more bloody intelligence!!!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "'fraid Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

2007-04-05 09:15:36 · 16 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

An Irish girl goes back to her home country, Ireland, to see her father.
"It has been 8 years since I have seen you."
"I got mad at you, stole you car, moved to America, and became a prostitute." replied the daughter.
The father was furious,"How could you do this to us? I hope you die and rot in hell!!!!!"
Crying the daughter says,"Since I moved to America I earned all the money back to the car because I became a prostitute."
"what did you become?!?!?!"
"A lying, sick, evil PROSITUTE!!!!" she said sobbing uncontrolably.
"Oh it's okay. I thought you said you became a protestant!"

2007-04-05 09:14:06 · 6 answers · asked by Grammar B*@%h 4

An Englishman wentto Spain for a holiday. He got to his hotel, and the Porter showed him to his room. The porter put his cases in the bedroom and explained that there were 2 pillows and a blanket for the bed, then asked if senor would like a sheet now. The englishman blushingly replied " no thank you, I think I will wait until I feel I want to go "

2007-04-05 09:05:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

She decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results put on two coats."

2007-04-05 09:01:27 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a few minutes frozen to the spot, again he hears " Jesus is watching you " ! He nervously looks around the dark room with his torch and suddenly sees a parrot in a cage ! The parrot says " Jesus is watching you " and the burglar, feeling a little bit foolish says to the parrot ," you really had me going there , whats this about Jesus is watching me , are you religious " ? " No" replies the parrot , " I'm talking about Jesus the Doberman who's stood behind you " !

2007-04-05 08:57:26 · 23 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male

2007-04-05 08:49:33 · 19 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door,and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

2007-04-05 08:48:52 · 27 answers · asked by love to be loved 1

The first one asks,"ever been picked up by the fuzz?" the other hooker says"No, but i've been swung around by my t i t s !!!"

2007-04-05 08:43:56 · 9 answers · asked by xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo 3

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-04-05 08:23:40 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2

2007-04-05 07:48:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm sorry if this offends anyone I just thought it was the first funny blonde joke I've heard in awhile.

There were 3 girls in highschool they were all best friends and their mothers were best friends as well. One night the mothers got together and were talking about their daugthers.

The first mother, a brunette says "I found a cigarette in my daughters trash can, I can't believe she smokes."

The next mother, has black hair says "well I found a beer in my daughters trash can, I just can't believe she drinks"

The last mother, a blonde says "I found a condom in my daugthers bed, I can't believe she has a penis."

2007-04-05 07:47:34 · 7 answers · asked by ReedRothchild 3

. She spends, £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
About 32," is the reply.
Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds," I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when
I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
I promise I won't." she says.
I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

2007-04-05 07:36:54 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tricky, tricky for all you rocket scientists out there...

2007-04-05 07:32:11 · 9 answers · asked by spaldingpunk 3

A teenage girl came downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother spotted her and almost had a heart attack.
"You can't go out dressed like that!" she yelled.
"Loosen up, grandma, these are modern times," replied her granddaughter. "You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she went.

The next day the teenager came downstairs and found her grandmother sitting on the sofa with no top on and her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wanted to die. "Look, grandma," she explained patiently, "I have friends coming over. For goodness sake cover yourself up!"

The grandmother said: "Loosen up darling. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!! =)

2007-04-05 07:25:09 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joking helps take the sting out of our hurts. Agree or Disagree?

2007-04-05 07:23:12 · 14 answers · asked by Vannili 6

3,000 couples.. Ha..ha..

2007-04-05 07:20:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-05 07:14:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-05 06:02:08 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

heres some of mine...
-shnista monkeys!
-hamsamich!
-geektard or wimptard(depending on the situation)
i know these are weird, but they just slip out sometimes! lets see who has the funniest, weirdest, or cutest excalamation!

2007-04-05 05:45:47 · 6 answers · asked by smiley 1

guess

2007-04-05 05:04:38 · 19 answers · asked by king_josh2k 2

A dad and his son are driving in a car. The dad gets into a very bad car accident and dies. The son is stuck in the hospital, all of a sudden, a voice comes by saying, "Son, you will be ok" WHO WAS IT?

2007-04-05 04:57:48 · 12 answers · asked by ~•PandaBearHug•~ 2

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

2007-04-05 04:18:47 · 13 answers · asked by Atheism itself is your best shot at heaven !! 7

Note: very tricky(find for urselves)
Here goes:
u are on a dep. store with 3 friends. u saw a beautiful dress. u guess that its worth $30. u realize that u have no money in pocket. u ask $10 from each of ur friends. when uve bought the dress, it just cost $25. so yo have change worth $5. to lessen ur debt you gave each of ur friends $1. so $5 - $3 = $2.

so now, u owe them $9 each. $9 * 3 = $27 + ur $2 on hand.
that sums up a total of $29. Where is that $1??!?!?!?!?

2007-04-05 04:18:44 · 12 answers · asked by Bimboy56 1