Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

2007-04-05 17:33:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-05 17:11:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blonds on death row


Three women are about to be executed for crimes.

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready .

.

.

Aim .

.

."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around.

She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready .

.

.

Aim .

.

."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.

She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.

The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready .

.

.

Aim .

.

."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

2007-04-05 16:33:53 · 25 answers · asked by helpspazgurl 2

Tulips on my organ..

2007-04-05 16:26:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-05 15:59:52 · 15 answers · asked by Mark D 1

Dog's Diary:
8:00am- dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am- a car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am- a walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am- got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm- lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm- played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm- wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm- milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00pm- dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00pm- got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm- wow! watched tv with the people! My favorite thing!

Cat's Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at

2007-04-05 15:46:51 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've got a really good one...but I'm going to see what I get before I give mine away. ;< )

2007-04-05 15:41:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am sad :[ . can u guys or girls tell me some funni jokes to cheer me up?

2007-04-05 15:31:02 · 2 answers · asked by niciash_12 2

If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, and that day is Tuesday, how long would it take a one legged grasshopper to kick the seeds out of a Dill pickle?

2007-04-05 15:19:35 · 14 answers · asked by matt_brinker1989 1

2007-04-05 15:10:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A frog walked up to a lady named Patrica Wack at the bank and asked for a $30,000 and told her that he knew the bank owner.When she asked what he would pay her with for the loan he pulled a pink tiny porcelin elephant out of his back pack and handed it to her.She got up and said she would check with the bank owner and see if this was acceptable.When she asked the owner if it was he simply replied.......Song portion......
"It's a nicknack Patty Wack, Give the Frog a loan.His old mans a rolling stone!"
I find it funny if you get it.

2007-04-05 15:07:29 · 9 answers · asked by darejellicleprima 2

no offense to any blondes

y did the blonde put condums on her ears?








she didnt want hearing aids!

2007-04-05 14:25:26 · 9 answers · asked by surfinmaui 1

I need a joke to tell the congregation at my church? come on yall help me make them fall out of there seats for Easter!

2007-04-05 14:23:15 · 12 answers · asked by Wouldn't u like to know 2

2007-04-05 14:16:35 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok here is how to play:

there is a sentnce/phrase of nonsesnce words or words that dont make sence together but if you read them outloud it sounds like a familiar saying or phrase.

EX. if i said "Age Oar Chip Each " the correct answer would be "A georgia peach" see how they sound alike?

EX.2
if I said "Palm Hick Heart Knee" the correct answer would be "Paul McCartney"

Get it?

Soo if I were to say "Abe Hey Debt Wrap" what would that translate to?

2007-04-05 14:04:55 · 4 answers · asked by ♥Sarah♥ 4

What do you call peice of bacon that walks in to arbys?
bacon melts

2007-04-05 13:48:09 · 19 answers · asked by Studd69 3

a man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. "Sorry Officer!" says the man "but i just stole this car and im trying to get away safely." "This car is stolen?" says the cop. "yes sir. i had to beat an old lady with a gun to get this car." "you beat an old lady with a gun?!" the cop says. "Ya, her body is in the trunk and the gun is in the glove department, next to all my weed!" "OK son, stay there, i need to call for back up." so 5 mins later, back up comes and another cop says, "excuse me sir, i need to see the inside of your trunk, the glove department, and your license and registration." "um sure. whats the problem?" says the man and does as hes told. there is no body in the trunk, no weed or weapon in the glove department, and he has all the papers for the car, it was his. "hmm. my partner just said the car was stolen and you put a lady in the trunk and there was a gun and weed in the glove department" "WHAT? that *****. i bet he said i was speeding too" and drove away safely."

2007-04-05 13:26:58 · 13 answers · asked by danny 4

it came over there what should we do go check it out or just walk away

2007-04-05 12:31:42 · 4 answers · asked by ♥l.0.v.E♥ 3

ok i need to call out one guy in a roomful of us at work and i want him to end up being the butt of a joke does anyone know any good jokes like this???

2007-04-05 12:15:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1-2-3-4-5-6

I am a 6 letter word.
Letters 6-5-2 spell out a drink.
Letters 4-5-2-3 spell out a fruit.
Letters 1-2-6 spell out a pet.
Letters 3-2-6 spell out a pest, which often gets eaten by 1-2-6.

2007-04-05 12:04:31 · 16 answers · asked by G.E.B 1

I just looked in the Yellow Pages. Las Vegas, NV has 121 listed tanning salons. TANNING SALONS....in the DESERT....Is that weird? or just stupid?

I'd like to catch some ditzoid slinking her way in at the front door to the tanning salon and say "Excuse me! Can I save you some money? Take three steps back. You're in the SUN! Get a tan!"

I had one gal tell me "It doesn't come out even". Well....roll over! That's free too!

One last thing. If you're 468 pounds, and you think a tan will help, OK. But don't you think maybe a diet would help more? Maybe going to tanning salons instead of buffets would be a blessing.

Your thoughts....

2007-04-05 11:54:10 · 4 answers · asked by Your Uncle Dodge! 7

It came from over there >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

2007-04-05 11:35:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Funniest wins

2007-04-05 11:34:59 · 22 answers · asked by Geaux_Tigers 2

they ordered their drinks and sat down opened their packed lunch. the barman "said you can't eat your own food in here" so they swapped!

2007-04-05 11:32:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what made having more than one wife a bad thing. "Yes, your honor, I have," he replied. "What is the reason?" the judge asked. "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."

2007-04-05 11:06:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the scientist fit his front door with an old- fashioned knocker?
He wanted to win a no- bell prize!

2007-04-05 10:53:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

My mate Dirk gets around quickly on his hands and knees by fastening springs to them. It's called ... four sprung Dirk technique.

2007-04-05 10:51:03 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife are fussing over who should make the coffee one morning. He says "You should make it cause your the wife..." She says, "The Bible says you should make it." Husband says "Where? Show me." Wife gets the Bible, opens it up and says "See? Hebrews"

2007-04-05 10:26:41 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

4)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

(5)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


(6)

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

2007-04-05 10:02:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the book ing desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car." Priceless

2007-04-05 09:59:11 · 6 answers · asked by David 6