Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

The Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, t hat'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.

2007-04-07 12:00:02 · 13 answers · asked by angelheart 5

Adrunk walks into a bar and says..."Gimme a drink."

The bartender notices how intoxicated the guy is and says.."I can't serve you, you're too drunk..get out of my bar!"

So the drunk staggers out the front door, walks around the side of the building, and goes in the side door..."Gimme a drink."

The bartender says.."Look, I already told you I'm not serving you, now get out!"

So the drunk walks out goes around the back of the building and comes in the back door..."Gimme a drink"

The bartender is getting really disgusted now and shouts, "Look I already told you I'm not serving you, you're already smashed, now get outta my bar, or I'm calling the cops! "

The drunk looks up sadly and says..."How many frigging bars do you work at, anyway?"

2007-04-07 11:56:33 · 8 answers · asked by Stan 6

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy b1tch."

2007-04-07 11:47:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

2007-04-07 11:40:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

2007-04-07 11:31:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know that buffaloes had come here. ???
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."

2007-04-07 11:27:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "It's my old aunt here."

"Very well. Madam, put your tongue out."

2007-04-07 11:19:06 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a c0nd0m!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one

2007-04-07 11:17:11 · 20 answers · asked by Tink 5

just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

2007-04-07 10:37:20 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

2007-04-07 10:34:43 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

For a good laugh & cautionary wax warning; This is hysterical!CAUTION: Be prepared to truly laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried! Maybe you can relate. All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, plainless removal - the epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now....the wax.My night began as any other normal weeknight.Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss,no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean,I'm not a genius,but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.So I pull one of the thin strips out. Con't...

2007-04-07 10:15:08 · 4 answers · asked by TMarie 3

An 8-year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the
yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then
she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave
nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with
her mouth hanging open,eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you
ask this question honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in a
couple of secs."

2007-04-07 10:10:50 · 12 answers · asked by Daniel 1

Kentucky LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

2007-04-07 09:57:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-07 09:39:35 · 10 answers · asked by ? 6

Because he wasn't very hungry.

2007-04-07 09:24:19 · 9 answers · asked by surfer_ade_uk 2

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.

Even before he rolls to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulls away, the cabbie is startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Er, where to?" he stammers.

"Just take me to the Union Station," answers the woman.

"You got it," he nods, taking another long glance in the mirror.

Looking up, the woman catches him staring. "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

The driver coughs politely. "Well, I'd just noticed that you're completely naked."

"So?"

"Well I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

Nodding slowly, the woman spreads her legs and puts her feet up on the front seat headrests.

2007-04-07 08:45:06 · 14 answers · asked by Jay A 3

i want to find some comebacks for pickup lines used by guys

2007-04-07 08:32:20 · 10 answers · asked by bubblegumisgood 1

Oldie...but Goodie?

Little Johnny sat in the courtyard, turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked what he was doing.
Johnny replied, "I am looking at the most powerful liquid in the world"!
The Priest said, "But, Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world! Why, if you put Holy Water on a pregnant Lady's belly, she will pass a fine baby Boy"!
Little Johnny said, "Oh, yeah?! Well, this is turpentine........and; if you put this on a cat's @$$, he'll pass a Harley Davidson"!

2007-04-07 06:17:49 · 15 answers · asked by jfmm 7

Thank Goodness For Italians..........

A Greek and an Italian were sittng in a cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
The Greek said, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, 'We have the Coliseum".
The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics".
Nodding agreement, the Italian answered, "But we built the Roman Empire".
This went on and on until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion.......with a flourish of finality he said........"We invented Sex"!
The Italian replied, "That is true, but........it was Italians who introduced it to women"!

2007-04-07 05:40:32 · 15 answers · asked by jfmm 7

A man and a woman were riding down the road arguing about his infidelity. The woman became so angry that she reached over, pulled out his ****, cut it off, and threw it out the window.

A man was driving down the road behind the couple with his five year old daughter in the passenger seat when the **** the woman threw out the window went splat against the windshield and stuck there. The little girl looked at it and said, "Daddy! What's that?"

Wanting to protect his daughter from the reality of what it really was he responded, "Oh, that's just a bug."

The daughter leaned a little closer and said, "Wow. He sure does have a big ****."

2007-04-07 04:29:08 · 15 answers · asked by yagman 7

I just need some jokes about kids that have done some funny things... Ü

2007-04-07 02:05:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hungary (hotel): "This lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable"
France (hotel): "Please leave your values at the front desk"
Japan (hotel): "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid"
Greece (tailor's shop): "Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation"
Mexico (hotel restaurant): "The manager has personally passed all the water served here"
Italy (doctor's surgery): "Specialist in women and other diseases"
Hong Kong (dentist's surgery): "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists"
LOL what other weird translations have you come across?

2007-04-07 02:04:07 · 13 answers · asked by lushpoppy 4

Wild Irish Ho's


An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

2007-04-07 01:23:28 · 29 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Any one here can tell me how the magic is performed?

http://www.HotWhy.com/a10.htm

It is full of magic. Is it assisted by high-tech? Thanks for your answers!

2007-04-07 01:20:01 · 3 answers · asked by Kate 1

8:15
Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30
Weigh 5lbs. lighter than yesterday
8:45
Breakfast in bed, squeezed
orange juice and croissants
9:15
Soothing hot bath with
fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00
Light workout at club with
handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30
Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00
Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45
Notice exboyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00
Shopping with friends.
3:00
Nap.
4:00
A dozen roses delivered by florist.
Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15
Light workout at club followed
by a gentle massage.
5:30
Pick outfit for dinner.
Primp before mirror.
7:30
Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00
Hot shower. Alone.
10:30
Make love.
11:00
Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15
Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

2007-04-07 00:37:42 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

My no*kie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my s*x appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I’ve got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

2007-04-07 00:35:35 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?

How come there is a mailbox in front of the post office?

If we can make semi-conductors, why can’t we make complete conductors?

Why go to all the trouble of building a hidden driveway when the highway
department puts up a “Hidden Drive” sign?

How come we can never just rant or just rave? Why do we always have to
do both? It makes me sick and tired.

If a mime fell in the woods, would he make a sound?

Why do radio stations interrupt “60 minutes of uninterrupted music” to
tell you you’re listening to 60 minutes of uninterrupted music?

If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?

What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were invented?

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair
always so neatly combed?

Why are America’s parks and great outdoors administered by the Department
of the Interior

2007-04-07 00:27:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-06 23:35:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew pictures. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working quietly, she asked what the drawing was of.
The girl replied, ' I'm drawing god.'
'But no one knows what god looks like?!'
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied

'They will in a minute'

2007-04-06 23:14:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee. When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. His mother inquired as to why he had brought THREE women, instead of just one. He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law. She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead." "How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired. She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand HER."

Happy Easter Everyone!

2007-04-06 21:36:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous