Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

and finds her daughter in law laying naked on the couch with soft music playing and the smell of perfume filling the room .
" What are you doing " she asked? " This is my love dress " she replies ! " I'm waiting for Justin to come home, and when he sees me in his favourite dress, he'll ravage me for hours " !
Mother in law can't wait to get home and try this out for herself ! She makes herself comfortable and totally naked on the couch having switched on the soft music and sprayed perfume around the room.
Eventually her husband returns home after a hard day, takes one look at his naked wife and says " What the hell is this " ?
" It's my Love Dress " she says! " Needs ironing " he replied.

2007-04-08 09:43:27 · 12 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

I thought I put 'em over there :)

2007-04-08 09:13:29 · 10 answers · asked by albob3000 2

How come the Easter Bunny hides his eggs?



He dosent want anyone to know hes been screwing chickens!

2007-04-08 09:09:23 · 8 answers · asked by smooozzzz 2

Somebody asked me this, and I couldn't figure it out.. HELP!

2007-04-08 09:02:39 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Either. Either who? Either Bunny. Knock-knock. Who's there?
Samoa. Samoa who? Samoa either bunnies. Knock-knock.
Who's there? Estelle. Estelle another Either bunny.
Knock-knock. Who's there? Consumption. Consumption who?
Consumption be done with all these ......either bunnies.

2007-04-08 08:54:59 · 21 answers · asked by I feel better 5

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2007-04-08 08:51:00 · 8 answers · asked by Jacquelyn Nicole 2

2007-04-08 08:50:13 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

that whoever dies first will try and come back to tell the other that there is life after death !
A couple of years later the husband dies, and within the week comes back to visit his wife !
" Darling, its everything we dreamed of ! I get up around 10, eat breakfast, have sex, go out on the golfcourse, come back, have sex, sleep, eat some more, have sex, and its the same everyday " !
" Incrdible " replies the widow " are you in heaven " ? "No " !replies the dead husband, " I'm a rabbit in Norfolk " !

2007-04-08 08:42:44 · 19 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

when a burly man jumped out from an alley way and accosted him....

"hey are you a Jew" the man said

"Why yes i am, said the Jewish man, and proud"

The Glaswegian then set about the man giving him a black eye....

"why are you striking me?" said the Jewish man....

"Because it was you lot that killed Jesus" replied the Glaswegian.

"But that was 2 thousand years ago" said the bruised Jewish man.

The red headed Glaswegian screwed up his face into a sneer and said, " yes i know, but i only found out about it yesterday".

Its just a joke

2007-04-08 08:41:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny is sitting on the bench in a park smoking a cigarette.An old lady goes up to him and starts talking:
"Young man! Haven't you got anything better to do than sit here and waste your time harming your health?"
"My grandfather lived a 110 years."
"And did he smoke too?"
"No he minded his own business."

2007-04-08 08:40:34 · 7 answers · asked by amateurgrower 3

and he meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates ! St Peter asks if he's done anything of merit during his life ?
" Well I did help a woman out who was being harrassed by a bunch of bikers from North Dakota " !
" What happened " asked St Peter ? " Well, " said the man "I walked up to the head biker and slapped his face and told him to leave her the hell alone " !
" Wow " says St Peter , " when was this " ?
" About 5 minutes ago " replies the man.

2007-04-08 08:29:49 · 23 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2

This time it's right!

Pick a number of times that you would want to go out to eat in a week.
It has to be more than once but less than 10.

Multiply by 2

Add 5

Multiply by 50

If your birthday has passed for 2007, add 1757.
If not, add 1756.

Now subtract the year you were born.

Sorry, i skipped a step last time!

2007-04-08 08:12:42 · 30 answers · asked by Ms* Shae* 3

How did the chicken cross the road, he hopped on a turtle, and wait, GUM??? how's it on the other side of the road??

2007-04-08 08:00:49 · 7 answers · asked by Jacquelyn Nicole 2

You just hang around while i go on a head.......

2007-04-08 07:44:56 · 8 answers · asked by abbotale 1

Once there was a family of 4: a mom, a dad, and 2 boys. One was 14, the other was 4. One day the parents went out for a week for their 10th year of marraige.
Then, the afternoon before the parents came home(they come home at night of shower)the 14 year old was taking a shower.
In comes the 4 year old, in the shower with his bro.
"What's that?" said the 4 year old pointing to his older brother's package.
"Mr.Wiggles, that's his name,"
"ooohhhhh, cool." said the 4 year old.
That night, the 14 year old went to sleep, and it was 12:00pm when the younger bro. asked if he could sleep with him, he said, yes.
The parents came home that night, and they heard a loud yell in the older brother's roo. They ran upstairs," why'd you yell,Landon?"
"ask Bobby,"
"bobby...."
"Well , i wanted to play with Mr.Wiggles. And he spit on me, so i bit him!"

2007-04-08 07:40:34 · 16 answers · asked by Jacquelyn Nicole 2

Stick with me and we will go places!

2007-04-08 07:37:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Swimming trunks.

2007-04-08 07:36:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-08 07:33:32 · 14 answers · asked by afree 2

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

2007-04-08 07:33:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Sergeant in the Nigerian army called out his battalion as they stood in line he started giving out the mail. He started, "Private John!"

"Yes Sir!," John answered as he stepped forward.

"Your Mother just had a heart attack. Take your letter and go back in line."

With tears in eyes, Private John went back in line."

"Private Peter!," he called out again."

"Yes sir.," answered the Private.

"Your brother was involved in an accident; he broke his legs and arms and died screaming out in pain like a baby."

Just then a General who was passing by called the Sergeant and told him to be more humane when he is distributing mails to the junior officers. The next morning he gathered the men as usual. He brought out the first letter, looked at it and did not know what to say because the General was watching this time. He finally said to his men, "If you know your father is alive move to the right."


As all the men were moving to the right.. He shouted, "Private Kingsley! Move to the left quickly!!!"

2007-04-08 07:32:42 · 7 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

please if u dont like jokes, or u are misserable or got nothing decent to answer, please go some were else.

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

2007-04-08 07:31:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"



God chuckled, "Jesus saves"

2007-04-08 07:30:06 · 19 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.

2007-04-08 07:28:22 · 18 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

2007-04-08 07:25:15 · 17 answers · asked by Animal 5

What if I steal the inventor's prototypes from the 1950s?

2007-04-08 07:22:33 · 1 answers · asked by Jordan S 1

2. A little girl wanted some cool undies they had at the mall. So she went to her dad. "Dad can you buy me some underwear at the mall?" The dad answered because he was harsh and mean and cruel,"no you dont deserve any so go away and leave me alone!" (Bad parenting) So the girl started crying and she went up to her mother and explained what happened. "Oh dont worry dear! I'll buy you some panties! Lets go to the mall."said the mom. And off they went. The dad found out about this and ripped up the girl's panties... "You should fricking follow my rules you damned b*t**!"the dad yelled. The girl cried but she got over it in a week. Then after the week, she wanted a cat so she went to her dad "Daddy can I get a cat?" "NO!!!"Was her dad's reply. She went to her mom and asked. Then off to the pet store they went to get the girl a cat. You know how people call cats p*s*y cats? Well the girl named her cat *u*s*. Dad found out and shaved the cat and threw it outside and a car ran over it. Next

2007-04-08 07:19:35 · 7 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

1. There is a blonde, a brunette, and a red hair women. One day the brunette goes out into the woods and a day later she comes out with a deer. "Woah! Where did you get that?"the blonde and red hair women asked. "I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and I found the deer and killed it." Then the red hair woman goes into the woods. She comes back out with a bear a day later. "Woah! Where did you get that?"they asked. "I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and found the bear and killed it." Then the blonde goes into the woods. 3 days later, she comes out all bruised and scratched up. "Woah! What happened?" they asked. "I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and I got hit by a train!"

And if you want to hear another joke, then go to my profile and read!!!

2007-04-08 07:12:16 · 10 answers · asked by jjj9394 2

A woman goes to the psychiatrist and the doctor asks "what her problem is?"

"Well" she says nervously "i think i'm a nymphomaniac"

"I can help you,but i must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour"he replies.

"Thats seems fair"she said"how much for all night?"

lol star if funny

2007-04-08 07:11:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a blonde named jojo she was shaveing her legs in the shower but she didnt know why no hair was comeing off o her legs. so she went to the doctorand said "doctor , yesterday i was shaveing my legs i the shower but no hair came off and i dont know why? can you help." so then the doctor askes" what type of razor were you useing ?" and jojo said "well i was useing my phone but is their a problem with that?" The doctor didnt even say anything ater that he just walked Jojo out of the doctors office .

2007-04-08 07:07:02 · 10 answers · asked by bobokel 1

she is deaf in the two ears and has arcrithis in all her joints shes 14

2007-04-08 07:06:42 · 9 answers · asked by alan p 2