Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

doing?" she asks. "I need some time off," says the man. "I'm pretending to be nuts." The boss walks in, sees the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asks, "What are you doing?" "I'm a light bulb," answers the man. "I think you need some time off," says the boss. So, the man jumps down and leaves. The blonde begins to walk out, too. The boss asks, "Where do you think you're going?" The blonde answers, "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."

2007-04-08 06:54:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. " I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out

"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day

2007-04-08 06:54:19 · 20 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

A polish man goes for an eye test,the optician holds up a board that reads cszhowits she asks "can you read this?"

"Read it" he replies "i went to school with him"

lol star if funny

2007-04-08 06:35:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I meen when he figh he olways make me just me laugh.Is he making you laugh.

2007-04-08 06:35:29 · 5 answers · asked by moni n 1

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

2007-04-08 05:42:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

a woman is in her room shaving her fanny when her little boy walks in. "whats that" he says . "oh thats my sponge" says the mum. "why are you shaving it" replies the boy." i'm making it look good for your dad,by the way where is your dad". says the woman. "oh he is getting his face washed from the neighbours sponge" says the boy

2007-04-08 05:34:47 · 16 answers · asked by superstar tradesman 5

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

2007-04-08 05:34:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

with his mate. "Last night", he told him, "when I was in here, with you, my house was broken into!"

"Jeez", said his mate. "Did he get anything?"

"Yeah", said the man, "a broken jaw, with six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"

2007-04-08 05:25:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pupil: i've added these figures 10 times
Teacher: Good work!
Pupil: Here are my 10 answers

Teacher: What are you writing
Pupil: aletter to myself
Teacher: What does it say?
Pupil: I don't know, I won't get it till tomorrow

Teacher: What did you write your report on?
Pupil: A peice of paper.

Teacher: I don't believe it, why would you eat your home work?
Pupil: You said it was a peice of cake!

Teacher: What comes before 7?
Pupil: The postman!

Teacher: I would like to have one whole day without telling you off
Pupil: You have my permission

Teacher: How can you prove that the world is round?
Pupil: I didn't say it was.

Teacher: What was the greatest thing ever made from fruit?
Pupil: The Grape wall of China

Teacher: Name 2 living things that do not have teeth
Pupil: Grandma and Grandpa

Teacher: Why are you so late?
Pupil: Well, I was obeying the sign that says ' School Ahead, Go Slow'

2007-04-08 05:18:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was singing to 'Say Ok' by Vannesa ann Hundgens and I was like 'Say OJ' on accident and my friend who was watching tv and was lke totaly blacked out she was like 'OJ'! LOL!

2007-04-08 05:10:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

2007-04-08 05:08:35 · 5 answers · asked by O.kbOrEd 2

Boy asks his mum "Is it wrong to have a willy" ? " No why?" She asks. "Well dad's sweating like hell in the bathroom trying to pull his off"

2007-04-08 05:06:22 · 7 answers · asked by Tyanna-Daisy 5

As from April 10th Viagra will only be available under its chemical name. Please ask for MYCOXAFLOPIN.

2007-04-08 04:57:52 · 12 answers · asked by Tyanna-Daisy 5

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me bum. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
(Wait for it...........scroll down.)





















I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

2007-04-08 04:49:42 · 15 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

break wind?
never keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure

2007-04-08 04:47:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-08 04:40:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

HAROLD THE COMPUTER GUY
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that - in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll
figure it out."
So I wrote it down.

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

2007-04-08 04:39:46 · 15 answers · asked by ? 2

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"


Dangerous food.....
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

2007-04-08 04:36:22 · 4 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads,' For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads,' All the men here have it short and thin.'

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads,' All the men here have it long and thin.'

Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thick.'

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'

2007-04-08 04:25:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do u do for a living?

2007-04-08 04:25:01 · 6 answers · asked by Reid N 2

2007-04-08 04:22:45 · 12 answers · asked by HENRY L 1

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

2007-04-08 04:21:44 · 5 answers · asked by ¸.•*´`*♥ ♥Melissa♥ ♥*´`*•.¸ 4

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2007-04-08 03:51:53 · 14 answers · asked by Oliver T4 4

Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa.

"That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had."

They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma.

"That's for knowin' the difference."

2007-04-08 03:51:19 · 12 answers · asked by MT C 6

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"

2007-04-08 03:31:42 · 9 answers · asked by MT C 6

2007-04-08 03:29:06 · 11 answers · asked by alan p 2

The governor of Texas took a pole by phone the other day, and asked Texans if they thought that illegal aliens were a serious problem in the state. the results were as follow.
35% said they believe it is indeed a serious problem!
65% said no es una problema serio!

2007-04-08 03:25:39 · 3 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7

i heard this joke from a friend so maybe u guys know it but wat da hell right?? heres the joke..
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

2007-04-08 02:57:51 · 3 answers · asked by GIRL HUNTER 2

A guy is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally the guy says "wait I’m thinking!"

2007-04-08 02:54:56 · 7 answers · asked by GIRL HUNTER 2

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill and says: "Here’s that $20 I owe you,"

2007-04-08 02:53:42 · 7 answers · asked by GIRL HUNTER 2