Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."

The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

2007-04-09 00:31:59 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

2007-04-09 00:14:21 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

I said "why" he said "my dogs just died"

2007-04-09 00:13:14 · 14 answers · asked by YEAH BUT ! 2

If women are made of sugar and spice

Why do they taste like fish?

2007-04-09 00:01:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boy: Those clothes are very becoming on you!

Girl: Why thank you!

Boy: Of course, if I was on you...I would becoming too!

2007-04-09 00:00:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Patient: "Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out."


Doctor: "That's easy. Eat sh it."

2007-04-08 23:59:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Blonde is suspicious that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. That same day, she goes over to her boyfriend's house and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. She pulls the gun out of her purse, but suddenly stricken with grief, puts it to her own head.

Her boyfriend yells, "Honey, don't do it!"

To which she replies, "Shut up! ....You're next

2007-04-08 23:57:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-08 23:38:33 · 12 answers · asked by ? 4

There are some packs of penguins in the north pole and one penguin come out of a pack and saw in a nother pack a baby penguin criying and he sed to the bayby whats rong and the baby says Ive lost my father I cant find him and the other penguin sed ho dont' worry whats he look like. was that funny?

2007-04-08 23:12:57 · 12 answers · asked by philip k 1

Satan was complaining bitterly to God:

“You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I’m not perfect, but give me a break. Can’t you do something to make them stop blaming me?”

And so God created lawyers.

2007-04-08 23:09:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw that it was so beautiful.

Saint Peter came by; the woman said to him “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word”, Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?” “Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.

2007-04-08 23:04:15 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,

2007-04-08 23:00:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-08 22:58:14 · 5 answers · asked by marc p 1

There was a blonde driving a ferrari. A cop pulls her over for
speeding, the cop asks,” can I see your license and registration
please!”

The blonde responds, “license and registration what is that?”

The cop respnds,” you will find your license in your purse and
registration in your glove compartment.”

The cop gets the license and registration and goes back to the car,
and he calls dispatcher and reports it. The dispatcher replies,”
this wouldnt be a blonde in a ferrari would it?” The cop replies,”
yes it is.” The dispatcher says, “go back to her car and
drop your
p**(ts.”

The cop responds back,”I cant do that!” The dispatcher says, “trust
me, just do it!” then the cop replies,”ok whatever you say!”

So he walks back to her car, and drops his p**ts. The blonde turns
around and says, “oh no, not another breathalizer test!”

2007-04-08 22:57:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The blonde reported for her University final examination which
consists of “yes/no” type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her
purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an
hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it
out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

“I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am
rechecking my answers!”

2007-04-08 22:55:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why did the blonde take some bread to the Toilet?
A: Because she wanted to feed the Toilet Duck

Q: Why was the blonde staring at the Orange juice?
A: Because it said Concentrate.

2007-04-08 22:53:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

2007-04-08 22:37:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.The husband,
although very much in love,couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So,he said to his new wife,"Honey,I'll be right back."

"Where are you going,coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar,pretty face.I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said,"You want a beer,my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,brands from 12
different countries:Germany,Holland, Japan,India,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was,"Yes,lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses."

He didn't get to finish the sentence,because the wife interrupted him
by saying,"You want a frozen glass, puppyface?"She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer,so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,....

2007-04-08 21:58:08 · 8 answers · asked by oo00dawn00oo 4

2007-04-08 21:20:43 · 29 answers · asked by afree 2

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class
is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention.



She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite
embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been
circumcised and he's quite itchy.



The teacher tells him to go
down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her
what he should do about it.



He does this and returns to the class,
sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion
at the back of the room.



Back down she goes, only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.

"I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school."

2007-04-08 21:17:59 · 16 answers · asked by mdboomskwad.mc4u 4

2007-04-08 19:10:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A thief was caught red handed during a burglary, by police.

He was presented before the magistrate.

The magistrate asked "Do you agree".

the thief said" I'm not going to answer" and he want to consult a lawer.

The Judge asked him " You have caught red handed by police, then what your lawer is going defend you on".

The thief immediately said; Sir, even my doubt is that as on what point is going to defend me.

2007-04-08 19:05:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

To the citizens of the United States of America:-
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how incorrect your pronunciation has been. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
”burgh” is pronounced “burra”, as in Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire etc..
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.

From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2008) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

2007-04-08 18:03:59 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't have many details so I don't expect anyone to be able to help, but here goes:
Sometime in the Fall of 2004 I watched a Comedy Central Presents episode that was hilarious but I have never been able to find the comedy's name since....
All I know was the entire stand-up was based on sex jokes, the man was middle aged, slender.
One of his jokes involved talking about his daughter asking about sex, another had the line "take it all," don't know much else to say,
but if anyone else just happens to have seen this and this rings a bell, appreciate a name

2007-04-08 17:27:14 · 6 answers · asked by *ae* 3

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

2007-04-08 17:09:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a bl0w job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."

2007-04-08 17:07:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement his partner's toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"

2007-04-08 17:04:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What are you doing there? she asked. The rabbit replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
to which the lady replied
"Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."

2007-04-08 16:37:34 · 20 answers · asked by sweetpeasmum 4

My grandfather has been asking me this for years. Supposedly this is a riddle and it has been bugging me forever because I do not understand it. Can anyone help me out with this?

2007-04-08 16:32:09 · 10 answers · asked by Rodney 2

If your parents arranged the person that you'll suppose to marry, and you thought of that person as the worst person ever, what will you do?

2007-04-08 16:24:00 · 6 answers · asked by Velix 3