Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool, what swimming pool? Is this 937-2819?"

2007-04-10 22:33:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."
Very good," said the Queen, "You may go now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Powell, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"

2007-04-10 22:16:34 · 21 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

The KKK? Kill, kill, kill. They must of have been created by a stutterer. He was trying to say clan. A group devoted to death, destruction, and delirium. They hate everyone but themselves.
None of them chose to be born white. Martha inside mommy. “Goo, goo make me white too.”
We are just glad to get out of there after nine months. We cry because our little brain tells us that
these people holding and looking at us are not normal. We never had a choice of color, race, sex, or gender. We did not come with the ability to be returned to sender. They cannot accept common sense truth that contradicts their teachings with obvious proof

Green Backs? That is for you that don’t know is a slang term for money such as dollar bills.
I just like checks, am more interested in the front of them to see who signed it.

“Captain Kanga Roo” was a big Saturday morning show when I was a kid. He was dressed in a funny suit representing his title as I recall. There was a man called “Mister Green Jeans” on the show. Where did the names for these characters come from and why did we watch it? My excuse was my age, no school, and plainly bored out of my skull. That is cranium for those medical folks that are just starting medical college.

“The Addam’s Family” they could have been related to me after seeing my early school pictures. It had everything. A rich guy married to a beautiful wife with both a boy and a girl. They had a versatile butler that could do chores and double as a body guard. Their uncle made his own electricity. I thought he would be neat to have at parties. A severed hand in a box that did not need the rest of a body to survive. O how I just love seeing independence in action. The grandma looked like my wife’s mother only better. “Cousin It” needed a hair cut badly. He looked like a sheep dog on steroids. You do understand that this is what I thought as a young kid. Now, all the adults would have been locked up and their kids placed in foster care. The hand and the uncle would be examined by scientists. Their house would have been condemned and torn down by their local government.

2007-04-10 20:10:56 · 11 answers · asked by maybf22000 4

1) What is special about the number 854917632?

2) Suppose you want to cook an egg for exactly 3 minutes. You have only a 5 minute hourglass timer and a 2 minute hourglass timer. Using these 2 timers, how can you boil the egg for exactly 3 minutes?

2007-04-10 18:20:05 · 21 answers · asked by xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 2

1.It will take ___ hours to get to Nevada from San Jose
HINT:5-4=__hours

2.A boat is ______feet long.
HINT:3x100=__


BONUS RIDDLE!
WHO ANSWERS IT RIGHT GETS A PRIZE!!!
no hint

The Empire State Building is ____ feet tall

2007-04-10 18:17:12 · 20 answers · asked by Supercar101 2

the king has 13 tax collectors. 1 of the tax collectors is stealing from him, by shaving the same amount off the gold coins. The king knows he's being robbed, but he doesnt know which 1 is stealing. he gets a scale, that he can use only once, how can the king discover which collector is stealing from him?

2007-04-10 16:25:31 · 5 answers · asked by T-Man 2

I saw this randomly on the internet, so i thought it was funny. Do you think its funny?

The main people are "Peter" "Simon" and "Mom".
The mom goes to Peters house to visit her son (Peter) and his flatmate, Simon. She watches the two at dinner talking to eachother, and she decides theres more to them then meets the eye. She gets the idea that Simon and Peter are gay, and love eachother secretly. When dinner is over, she "steals" the frying pan. She leaves Peters house and goes home. When Peter and Simon realize that the frying pan is missing, and that they cannot find it. Peter E-Mails his mother and says

"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you took the frying pan, and im not saying you didnt take the frying pan. All i'm saying is that ever since you came to visit the frying pan has been missing"

He sends the E-Mail and two days later the mother replys.
In the mothers response she says-
(To be continued in additional details)

2007-04-10 16:10:25 · 30 answers · asked by Suirenai 3

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"

2007-04-10 16:02:39 · 15 answers · asked by dianemelloniemarlenejerryginder 3

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

2007-04-10 15:54:23 · 23 answers · asked by dianemelloniemarlenejerryginder 3

2007-04-10 15:49:11 · 19 answers · asked by Space Pirate 1

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

2007-04-10 14:40:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joke 1

Two nuns were driving down a road late at night when a vampire leaps out and lands upon the bonnet of their car. The nun behind the wheel says to her companion

"Quick! Show him your cross!"

The other nun leans out of the window and shouts,

"Oi you' 'get off our bloody car"


Joke 2


Dracula was out for his evening constitutional when a sausage roll hit
him on the back. He ignored it and continued on his way

10 minutes later he felt an individual quiche land on the back of his head.
Again he ignored it and carried on walking.

However when he was hit on the shoulder by a cheese and pineapple hedgehog, he felt rather aggrieved and, turning round, confronted a young woman holding a pizza in one hand and a tray of steaming sausage rolls in the other.

He challenged her and asked why she was attacking him and she replied:

I'm Buffet - the vampire slayer!

2007-04-10 14:39:27 · 11 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

Mary to Joseph.
"I think I should tell you, I'm pregnant".
Joseph.
"How can that be we never even...."
M
"God came down to me last night and impregnated me with his holy seed. In 9 months I am going to have a boy child who is going to grow up to be the saviour of the world".
J
"Oh No"!
M
"What?"
J
"I think I just killed god"
M
"What do you mean"?
J
"Well last night I saw you having it away with God and I thought it was the farrier, So I followed him home and slit his throat"
M
"Jeeezus Christ"
J
"Is that the name of the baby"

2007-04-10 13:31:13 · 9 answers · asked by Dreamweaver 4

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

2007-04-10 12:43:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

............ MAKE HIME TAKE OUT THE TRASH!!! LOL

2007-04-10 12:39:47 · 17 answers · asked by wheresmyfrickinmidol123 2

2007-04-10 12:31:49 · 9 answers · asked by mkb_310 3

I have a carboard skeleton from blackpool 9 years ago, which has been slightly chewed by the dog. occompanied with a rucksack, belt, and a box of balm tissues.

2007-04-10 12:29:36 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked


"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman
asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and
wine."

2007-04-10 10:39:31 · 12 answers · asked by sweetthing82376 3

2007-04-10 09:00:28 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
'Oooook, follow me' he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
'Now you see that tree over there?? he asked
'Yes, Yes, Yes!!! the other bats screamed in a frenzy.....
'GOOD,' said the bat, 'Because I sure as f*** didn't!!'

2007-04-10 08:51:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-10 08:14:47 · 2 answers · asked by not_prfikt 7

Would you like to come along? you will have to bring your own buttie's though ;-)

2007-04-10 08:05:24 · 16 answers · asked by BLING 4

was charged and has to choose his death there are 3 rooms which one is safer?-room full of fire-room full of lions (who havent' eaten in 3yrs)-room of knives as the floor
so which room is it?



i am in dog i am in in i am in and i am in giraffe i am in ear i am in rake this is my actual name guess it tak eon eletter from each word and try to guess

****you already have a hint***
bonus:what was the hint?

2007-04-10 07:38:42 · 8 answers · asked by ♥Gin♥and*Jen* 3

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

2007-04-10 05:32:57 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just to say many thanks for your most welcome reply

2007-04-10 02:06:44 · 4 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

10 Office Rules:

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.

9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.

5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!

2007-04-10 01:50:24 · 8 answers · asked by dianemelloniemarlenejerryginder 3

what has no legs but runs around the field

2007-04-10 00:25:05 · 21 answers · asked by safcftm 1

This is a love letter from a boy to a girl....
However, the girl's father does not like the boy and want them to stop their
relationship...... and so.. The boy wrote this letter
to the girl. He knows that the girl's father will definitely read
this letter..

1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."

So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to
the girl, the boy told
the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning-only to
read
1.3.5.7.9.11.13 (Odd No.'s) go read it once again but
the Odd Number
lines..

2007-04-10 00:17:40 · 26 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you
called.

Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific.

Great!

Thanks.

Okay.

Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

2007-04-09 21:50:30 · 12 answers · asked by Mystic Magic 5

10 points to the first right answer but you need to ask first to narrow down
Only yes and no questions

2007-04-09 21:43:39 · 11 answers · asked by jobees 6