Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

3- men sitting in a sauna,
heard a bleeping sound.
the american pressed his arm...
and the beep stopped. thats my pager, i have a microchip in my arm...
phone rings ,japanise man puts paln to his ear...
that was my mobile i have a chip in my hand... irish man
not to be outdone, went to toilet ,came back with toilet paper hanging from his ****.the others looked at him....
bjesus,will you look at that, im getting a fax.

2007-04-12 12:23:30 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are two companies joining together fed-ex and ups
they merged the new company name is fed-up get it?lol

2007-04-12 12:21:54 · 13 answers · asked by dude 5

He kills a deer, brings it home, cooks it and doesn't tell his children what it is. He told them he would give them a clue. "It's what your mother calls me sometimes." The little girl cries out "don't eat it, it's a f**king a**ehole!"

2007-04-12 12:21:09 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have 90 apples and 30 get eaten. Later I get 20 more apples from a store. The next day 19 apples are eaten. 4 months later I get 498 apples. in two more days 79 apples eaten.
How many apples do I have

2007-04-12 12:17:30 · 62 answers · asked by ace 1

Answer: "mmm...Pusssy..."

2007-04-12 11:58:19 · 20 answers · asked by stephanie e 3

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions.

The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears.

A fourth gave the boy a book.

A fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback.

A sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile.

None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

No more problem...

2007-04-12 11:53:24 · 11 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "There! I've done it! I made it balance!"

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look.

"Let's see...mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, 615.00. What is that?"

"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!!!"

2007-04-12 11:52:47 · 6 answers · asked by Gina B 4

The Bakery Called, Fatty

The bakery called -- they want their rolls back!


Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''



What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

Both of their balls are just for decoration.

2007-04-12 11:26:27 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Secret of Speed

Plane: How do you fly so fast?

Rocket: You'll know when your a-s is on fire!



Dolly Parton's Kids

Q: How can you find Dolly Parton's kids in a crowd?
A: They're the ones with the stretchmarks on their lips.



Sex Relatively Speaking

"Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?"
Dad replied ''That's Grandpa!"

2007-04-12 11:24:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-12 11:16:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

See what 50 years will do:


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jason given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jason has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1956 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed

1956 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

2007-04-12 11:09:42 · 20 answers · asked by star42430 5

a drifter

2007-04-12 10:51:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

2007-04-12 10:27:29 · 49 answers · asked by Tink 5

who`s there?
















avon?









































avon who?


























avon lady,
door bell broken!

2007-04-12 10:23:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

not necessarely 2 fat people with eachother but one extremely fat with a normal person , pls answer this is puzzling me for ages

2007-04-12 10:09:07 · 16 answers · asked by WraitH 3

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realises that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

2007-04-12 10:04:00 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bed Golf: Rules Of Play.

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
Players are cautioned to not mention other courses they have played or are currently playing. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
Players are encourage to have proper rain gear, just in case.
Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate forms of play in this case.
Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course.
The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting the play the backside.
Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
It is considered and outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

2007-04-12 09:59:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

May have posted before, I forget! lol

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

2007-04-12 09:28:12 · 79 answers · asked by Tink 5

1. Go to Google.com

2. Click on "Maps"

3. Click on "Get Directions" Tab

4. Go from "New York, New York" to "Paris, France"

5. Read line 23.

2007-04-12 08:47:13 · 35 answers · asked by ne14a6t9 4

2007-04-12 08:22:58 · 12 answers · asked by jennie m 2

If a joke is meant to funny but only 50 % of people laugh is it funny? i think yes. People who don`t laugh should cus without it life is dull!!!!!!!

2007-04-12 07:55:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

math illusion 2=1

Given a=b
a2=ab
a2-b2=ab-b2
(a+b)(a-b)=b(a-b)
(a+b)=b
a+a=a
2a=a
2=1!!!

this was on optillusions.com

2007-04-12 07:49:40 · 5 answers · asked by ♥Gin♥and*Jen* 3

2007-04-12 07:46:15 · 9 answers · asked by sam 1

2007-04-12 06:28:55 · 56 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

There's this guy who wants to become a famous actor, so he seeks an agent and auditions. He does a great job, impressing the agent.

"You'll do great in TV," the agent said. "What's your name?"

"P3nis Van L3sbian," he replied.

"What? I don't think I heard you correctly."

"P3nis Van L3sbian," he said again.

"You're gonna hafta change your name if you want to make it in show biz," the agent said.

"I'm not gonna. This name's been in my family for years." He stormed out of the office.

Sometime later, he realized that it would be a small price to pay to change his name, and so he did. Too proud to go back to the agent, he found a new agent, auditioned, made it big, and became a multi-millionaire.

One day, he thought about the original agent. He sent him a check for $50,000 with a note that said, "You were right. I changed my name and made it big. This is for you. Signed, Dick Van Dyke."

(Thank you. I'll be here all night. Tip your waiters/waitresses!)

2007-04-12 05:44:55 · 11 answers · asked by Scotty Doesnt Know 7

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

2007-04-12 04:12:47 · 22 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A woman was chatting on the phone for about half an hour when she say "ok then bye. "

Her husband says"wow that was quick,you are usually on there for at least an hour,what happened ?."

"Oh"the woman says"wrong number."

star if funny

2007-04-12 03:37:57 · 18 answers · asked by thewokinn 1

EHCA

2007-04-12 03:13:09 · 8 answers · asked by halogirl06 2

"You breathe through that little thing?"

2007-04-12 02:56:38 · 8 answers · asked by karu 1

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.



The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.



The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.



The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

2007-04-12 02:04:27 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous