Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

2007-04-13 01:58:56 · 6 answers · asked by eto 1

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
2. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It’s speaking English
that kills you

2007-04-13 01:47:01 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-13 01:29:30 · 16 answers · asked by Louis Junior. 4

Genre: Marriage Jokes

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says,


"I DONT'T CARE! JUST BE OUT BY THE END OF THE WEEK!"

2007-04-13 00:37:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man buys a huge new car and shows it to his neighbour. Its great says the neighbour but does it have a bed in like mine? But your car is tiny says the man. Yes but watch this, the neighbour presses a button on his tiny car's dashboard and a bed unfolds. The man rushes back to the car showroom and demands a bed be fitted to his new car. The next day the man takes his huge car ( now fitted with a bed ) to show his neighbour but the neighbour is out. The man drives around looking for the neighbour and sees his car parked up in a lay by with all the windows steamed up! The man goes to the car and starts banging ion the window. There is no signs of the neighbour and the windows are too steamed up to see inside. He bangs again, and again and eventually the neighbour ( naked ) wipes a circle into the steamed up window. "What the hell do you want?"
"My car has a bed like yours!"
"What! you got me out the shower to tell me that!!!"

2007-04-13 00:28:09 · 9 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

The compassion of females....

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, and then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"




His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I

2007-04-13 00:20:12 · 15 answers · asked by XXkarlaXX 4

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

2007-04-13 00:14:19 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to see her doctor. "i've got a problem" she says" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an ear-splitting yell". Thats quite natural" replies the doctor". I dont see what the problem is". The woman replies ". The problem is. it wakes me up!"

2007-04-13 00:07:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying: "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions."
Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

2007-04-12 23:59:49 · 8 answers · asked by ari-pup 7

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"
She replied, "Home, I can't work in the dark."

2007-04-12 23:55:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-12 23:47:16 · 2 answers · asked by Phil P 1

this is a trivia question

2007-04-12 23:10:03 · 2 answers · asked by shortcake302 3

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local Golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in th

2007-04-12 23:01:17 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.

She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a MASSIVE v_!_b_r_@_t_o_r!!

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b@**@rd!!!!" she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

2007-04-12 21:33:49 · 35 answers · asked by Jay A 3

p.s
i laugh at most things

2007-04-12 20:54:28 · 11 answers · asked by boredom_magnet 2

comon people i need help with this, its been a riddle thats bugged me ever since i heard it.

2007-04-12 20:10:51 · 20 answers · asked by foim7045we 2

I'm the editor of our college paper.

Our nerdy class president was studying while his roommate and his friend were playing videogames, and our president yelled at them to shut up, and the roomate's friend picked him up, stripped off ALL his clothes, and dumped his outside into the hallway BUTT NAKED!!!

Luckily I was there and snapped a photo of his presidential bare buttcheeks banging on the door.

What is the funniest headline for this??

2007-04-12 19:15:41 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Part 1 How do u get a girrafe into a refrigetator?
Part 2 How do you get an elephant into the refrigetator?
Part 3 The Lion King invites all of the animals to a party. Which one doesn't come?
Part 4 You have to swim across a lake infested with aligators. How do u get across?

Best answer goes to 1st person to get all 4 parts correct. For everyone that can't figure it out, give me a star for outsmarting u (JK!), and check back in a few days for the real answer!

2007-04-12 17:23:21 · 6 answers · asked by HotHipsOfShakira 4

What did the egg say to the boiling water?



It might take me awhile to get hard because I just got laid by a chick.



Do you like it, I think it's HILARIOUIS! LOL!

2007-04-12 17:21:37 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-12 16:08:24 · 11 answers · asked by wahoo! 2

2007-04-12 15:59:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-12 15:43:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy from the city goes to visit his old uncle. His uncle lives way up on top of a mountain with his dog pretty much secluded from society. So when the nephew arrived the uncle was overjoyed and got busy making them a nice big breakfast of bacon and eggs. When the nephew got his plate he noticed that it was a little dirty, but he decided not to say anything.They ate their breakfast and then went to sit on the porch to catch up. They talked for hours, and then the uncle set off to make lunch. When the nephew got his plate he couldn't help but notice some dried up pieces of eggs on his plate from breakfast, so he asked his uncle if he was sure the dishes were cleaned his uncle told him to hush up and eat that his dishes were as clean as cold water could get them. The nephew was grossed out but ate anyway. Soon after lunch the nephew got ready to leave, but his uncle's dog wouldn't move out of the doorway so the uncle screamed " Hey Cold water move out that doorway!"

2007-04-12 14:54:07 · 9 answers · asked by Jessie Jo 2

A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nodded his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say h*ll, and you say a**, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast.

"Aw h*ll, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios," he said.

WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your a** it won't be Cheerios!"

2007-04-12 14:25:43 · 25 answers · asked by ~Oh Baby Your A Classic!~ 3

i dont get it

2007-04-12 14:00:12 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

She tells the salesman: she would like to buy a pair of pink curtains in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies: But computers dont have curtains....
And the blonde said
Helloooo I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-12 13:46:53 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle-aged woman is at home, merrily jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband arrives home from work, walks in and is astounded at what he sees.
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? he shouts. "What the hell's the matter with you?"
"I just came from the doctor," replies the wife. "He says I have the breasts of an 18year old!"
"Oh really," says her husband, "and what did the old coot say about your 40year old ar*e?"
"Strangely enough," replies the wife, "your name never came up....."

2007-04-12 13:11:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

a woman goes into a s£x shop, its her first time and she is a little nervous. she goes up to the counter and the assistant says "take your time dont be nervous and have a good look around"
so the woman goes over to the v ibrator section and comes back with 3,
a white one, a black one and a red one.
as she is paying the assistant said to her "the white one is a good choice, its compact and discreet, for everyday use and the black one well thats for special occasions when you want something a little bigger
but you better take the red one back

its the fire extinguisher

2007-04-12 12:47:38 · 20 answers · asked by chris w. 7

I heard this a couple days ago...i thought it was kinda funny


i'll post the answer in five minutes

2007-04-12 12:35:47 · 9 answers · asked by oh dang!its Katie 2

An Irishman walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness, taking a sip out of each pint in turn.
The barman says to him, "A pint goes flat after I pull it - it'd be better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, I have two brothers, one in America and the other in Australia. We promised we'd all drink this way to remember the days we supped together."
Over the weeks the Irishman becomes a regular and always buys his drinks three at a time, until one day, when he orders just two pints. The other drinkers fall silent.
"I don't want to intrude on your grief," says the barman when the Irishman comes back for a second round, "but I wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss."
"Oh, no," says the Irishman, "my brothers are fit and well, it's just that I've given up drinking."

2007-04-12 12:32:10 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous