Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Alright, assuming whoever reads this question knows how to make the grid, please help solve this logic puzzle with the following clues:

Janet listens to music by 1 of 5 artists, reads 1 of 5 philosophers, and eats 1 of 5 different desserts each weekday.

For brevity purposes just use these abbrevs. -

Artists: MB, LW, SY, Mat., Moz.
Desserts: J, B, F, T, Mar.
Phil: P, D, K, N, R.
And days of the week

1. Janet enjoyed T while reading R.

2. Janet ate F on a day earlier in the week than she ate Mar, but later in the week than she listened to SY.

3. Janet did not listen to MB or LW. while reading R.

4. Neither Mon. nor Fri. was the day Janet ate B.

5. Janet had J the day after she read K.

6. Janet didn't read K while listening to LW.

7. Janet never eats J on Fridays.

8. The day Janet listened to Moz was later in the week than the day she read P.

9. Janet read N. all day on Weds.

10. J. didn't listen to LW on Thurs, & she didn't listen to SY on Mon

2007-04-14 17:40:54 · 5 answers · asked by TelleyJade 3

2007-04-14 17:39:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night a little boy goes to bed and says his prayers,
"God bless mommy,daddy,grandma,and grandpa,bye bye grandpa"
the next morning the dad wakes up to hear a call from the grandma and and finds out grandpa is dead,
later that night the dad walks his son up to his room,and while the boy says his prayers his dad listens and this is what he hear,
"god bless mommy,daddy and grandma,bye bye grandma"
the next morning the mom comes to the dad and says grandma died,the dad thought it was just a qinkadink,that night the little boy goes up to his room and says his prayers,
"god bless mommy and daddy,bye bye daddy,
that night after the dad heard the prayer he ran himself to the hospital to stay just in case,
he waited the whole day for it to come,but it didn't,when the dad got home the mom yelled,
"you missed it,the mail man just died on out front porch!"


who gets it?

2007-04-14 16:24:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What about kfc and disneyland

2007-04-14 16:10:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your are trapped in a room. The room has only two possible exits: two doors. Through the first door there is a room constructed from magnifying glass. The blazing hot sun instantly fries anything or anyone that enters. Through the second door there is a fire-breathing dragon. How do you escape?

2007-04-14 15:06:48 · 19 answers · asked by wheew 2

2007-04-14 14:45:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

i took out my pops laptop to play battlefield 1942, and the phone rang so i went to get it, i came back and my dog had just finished peeing on the computer, i dont know why he did it. and then i threw the phone at my dogs eye and ran over to wipe off the computer...too late, it shut off after a few seconds and it wouldnt come back on. i wuznt even supposed to b usin the computer, and it had TONS of my dads buisness files, and i think he was just using it while his co worker at the New York Stock Exchange wuz on vacay. wut do i do? sincerely yours, jamayicon rude bwoi hoo dun bruk de lap tup

2007-04-14 14:02:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn,
Speak their name, and admit to their fellow inmates
What crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says,
"My name is Gabe and I'm in for murder."

Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the
Back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says,
"My name is Rich and I'm in for armed robbery."

Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the
Last guy. He stands up and says, "My name is Eli,
But I'm not telling you what I'm in for."

The group leader says, "Now, come on Eli,
You have to admit it to us to make any progress.

Tell us what you did." "Ok then," agrees Eli,
"I'm in for fornicating with dogs."
Everyone is disgusted. One in the group shouts out,
"That's sick! How low can you go!?!"
"Chihuahuas" , replies Eli.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2007-04-14 12:42:49 · 3 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

2007-04-14 12:25:52 · 7 answers · asked by Ignorant Guru 2

DE TWINS
>
>A JAMAICAN LADY PREGNANT WITH TWINS, WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT AND WENT
>INTO A COMA. DURING THE COMA, SHE GAVE BIRTH TO TWINS, A BOY AND A
>GIRL. SOMETIME LATER, WHEN SHE AWOKE FROM THE COMA, SHE WAS TOLD THAT
>SHE HAD GIVEN BIRTH AND THAT HER BROTHER HAD BEEN NICE ENOUGH TO NAME
>THEM. THE MOTHER WAS EXTREMELY UPSET TO HEAR THIS. SHE TOLD THE NURSE
>THAT THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET HER BROTHER NAME THE CHILDREN BECAUSE
>HE WAS AN IDIOT FROM THE COUNTRY-SIDE
> THE NURSE ASSURED HER THAT HE HAD DONE RATHER WELL: HE NAMED THE
>LITTLE GIRL "DENISE." THE MOTHER SEEMS TO BE O.K WITH THAT, SO SHE
>ASKED WHAT HE HAD NAMED HER SON.
>THE NURSE REPLIED, "DENEPHEW."

2007-04-14 12:15:06 · 8 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Before I came, confusion abounded.
I'm late, I'm late was frequently sounded.

I'm not average, but was based on a mean.
My size, in theory, is constant: fifteen.

I'm two dozen steps, again in theory.
But walk my length and you'd get weary.

I take half and quarter steps at times.
In reality, I don't follow the lines.

I shrink to nothing in two cold extremes.
Over a thousand miles wide in the betweens.

What am I?

2007-04-14 11:50:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ol' Motha' Hubbard went to her cubbard to get her ol' dog a bone
When she bent ova'
Rover took ova'
And gave her a bone of his own!!

2007-04-14 11:38:22 · 8 answers · asked by jomama 1

2007-04-14 11:14:15 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

An irish radio station were running a competition?
a cork radio station was running a competition,
words that weren't in the dictionary yet could
still be used in a sentence that would make logical
sense.
the top prize was a trip to bali.
dj: 96fm here,whats your name?
caller: hi me names dave,
dj: dave,whats your word?
caller: goan...spelt g-o-a-n,
dj: you are correct,dave goan is
not in the dictionary.
dj: now for a trip to bali,what sentence
can you use that word in that would
make sense.
caller,goan f**k yourself.
the dj cut the caller short and took other
calls,all unsuccessful until,
dj: 96fm,whats your name?
caller,hi,me names jeff,
dj: jeff whats your word?
caller, smee....spelt s-m-e-e
dj: you are correct,jeff,
smee is not in the dictionary.
now for a trip to bali,what sentence
can you use that word in that would
make sense.
caller,smee again,goan f**k yourself

2007-04-14 11:12:31 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a teen couple who decided to have sex. So they decided to go to the boyfriend's house. Noone was there except his little brother sleeping on the bottom bunk of their bed which they share together. The couple went on the top bunk and the boyfriend said, "If you want it harder, say lettuce, if you want it softer, say tomato"

They started to do their thing and the girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce! lettuce! lettuce!...(moaning)...Tomato! tomato!...(more moaning)"

Suddenly the little brother of the boyfriend woke up and said, "Hey! stop making sandwiches up there! I'm getting mayonnaise on my face!"

2007-04-14 11:11:49 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Round like an apple, deep like a cup,
Yet all the king's horses can't pull it up.
What am I referring to?

2007-04-14 11:07:59 · 23 answers · asked by Quaggy 3

a woman comes home after being at the doctors - her husband asks what the doc said
she replied "he told me i had a nice puss.y!"
"what?" the husband said
again she replied "he told me i had a nice puss.y!"
the husband in a rage stormed down to confront the doc and demanded to know why he would make these comments to his wife.
the doc said "no, no she has gotten confused - i informed her she had 'acute angina'!"

2007-04-14 11:07:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any kind you want to i promise i wont report you i need a good laugh the one that makes me laugh out loud gets 10 points, and i know you want them so bring it on and make me laugh

2007-04-14 10:29:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

As I go back to the gym
It's been a while, I'm back again
I think I'd better start out slow
I start to jog, its turned down low

Then some woman starts a pace
Like somehow she wants to race
With all my male testosterone
I start to run, but soon do groan

That male pride got the best of me
That men should win, as it should be
I quess nobody told her that
I backed it down, but did burn fat

She turned her head and gave a grin
I nodded back that she did win
Hey I said, its been a while
She saw my gut and then did smile

I think I'll try and squat some steal
But halfway up, my knees do keal
Then someones says, try this machine
They just got done, and wiped it clean

I do some reps and feel real proud
I grunted low, then grunted loud
Then that same girl reaches in a bin
And says, if you want weight you need this pin

2007-04-14 09:56:49 · 8 answers · asked by gary_b04901 1

2007-04-14 09:23:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Five lessons to make you think about the way we treat people:

1. First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady

During my 2nd month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed thru the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello".

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. Second Important Lesson

Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30pm, an older African-American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the woman's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rained drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3. Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10yr old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4. Fourth Important Lesson - The Obstacle in our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simple walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.;)

5. Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When It Counts.

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5yr old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do if will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to give to his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

2007-04-14 07:05:17 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else??
stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so, he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he saiddd, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for LOVE."

2007-04-14 06:59:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

2007-04-14 06:38:50 · 15 answers · asked by Rainman 4

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and makes me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

2007-04-14 05:59:08 · 14 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

2007-04-14 01:41:22 · 17 answers · asked by Justin P 1

Close Call... Richard Rumick

There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they’ll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they.

The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner.

The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves.

The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says,"NO!" They ask him why not and he said,
"Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

2007-04-14 01:04:32 · 6 answers · asked by h8ucrazee 3

A binman knocks on a door cos he cant find the bin, he gets no answer so he knocks again, aminute later a chinese man answers with a sweat-on. binman says'wheres ya bin' the chinese man replies'i bin on toilet', binman says 'NO, WHERES YA BIN', chinese man replies in a more aggresive tone 'I BIN ON TOILET'. the binman shakes his head, looks him in the eyes and says slowly 'WHERES YOUR WHEELIE BIN', THE CHINESE MAN SAYS 'OK! OK! I WHEELIE BIN HAVING A W*NK.

2007-04-14 00:45:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

2007-04-14 00:10:03 · 26 answers · asked by ageless_san 2

The priest in a small Irish village loved the coock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

2007-04-13 23:55:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-13 23:52:42 · 6 answers · asked by August lmagination 5