Can you tell me a joke?

Question

Any kind you want to i promise i wont report you i need a good laugh the one that makes me laugh out loud gets 10 points, and i know you want them so bring it on and make me laugh

come on yall got better i know it! lol

Answer 1

Once there was a cat and a rooster...
The cat fell into the water and the rooster laughed
MORAL:FOR EVERY WET PUSSY,THERES A HAPPY COCK

1 day in the garden of eve...
Eve:Adan,do you really love me?
Adam:No,not really!
Eve:Then why did you make love to me?
Adam:As if I have a choive between you and the snake!!!

Larry gets home late one night and his wife Linda says,"where in the hell have you been?"Larry replies.."I was out getting a tatoo.""A tatoo?"she frowned."what kind of tatoo did you get?" " I gota hundred dollar bill on my privates"he said proudly."what the hell were you thinking?"she said,shaking her head in disdain."Why on earth would an account get a hundred dollar bill tattoed on his privates?""Well,ONE,I like to watch my money grow...TWO,once in a while I like to play with my money,THREE,I like how money feels in my hand.And lastly,instead of you going out shopping,you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.
Larry is recovering nicely at the hospital----
Linda is in jail for assault and wishing she had few hundred bucks to bail herself out...

Philippines Pres.Estrada:Really?i have brain cancer!!Yehheyyy!
Doctor:How come you are still happy?
Pres.Estrada:Now i know i have a brain...hehehe!

bra sizes
Why do they measure the cupsizes A B C D E F?....
A-almost gone
B-barely noticeable
C-comfortable
D-damn good
E-extremely big and...
F-fake!

An 60 year old man who overdosed on viagra caused the funeral home problems...they couldnt close his coffin lid for 3 days...

Judge:You want to divorce your husband for threatening you with DEADLY WEAPON?
Wife:No,your honor,I'm divorcing him for annoying me every night with a DEAD WEAPON!

An elphant ask the camel!"why do you have your boobs on your back?The camel laughed and replied..."what a silly question from someone with a big penis on his face!

There was this preacher talking to his followers about any paranormal activity they have experienced.Their topic went to sexual encounter with ghost."has anyone among you experienced having sex with a ghost?.."the preacher has asked.The middle aged man at far corner of the room reluctantly raised his hand.The preacher shocked in disbelief asked the man..."Please tell us how was it having a sex with a ghost"...The man replied..."OH!I am sorry father,I thought you said GOAT!

Answer 2

Jesus , Moses , and a third person were out on a golf course.
They arrived at this par 3 and Moses shot first. He took out his 6 iron and hit a great shot and it landed on the green about 5 ft from the hole. Jesus came up next and hit a wonderful shot with his 7 iron and it land ed within 2 ft of the hole. Next came the third manof the party and he had only a 9 iron. Moses said " Are you sure you got enough club there?" "Yes I think so was the reply." Well the shot went off and it looked like trouble and hit a rock and bounced and roll around the green and went into the cup for a hole in one. Jesus said "Nice shot, DAD!

Answer 3

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and lets go the smelliest fart and says, “Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.

Answer 4

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
;)

Answer 5

Sex guide for idiots...

Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.

There is no need for dice in role playing.
Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

If she says she's into "bondage", don't show her your financial portfolio.

You can lie down during a one-night stand.

Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.

Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

Sex is like "The Club" - accept no substitutes.

Answer 6

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for
that.

Answer 7

okay even though i am not a fan of blonde stereotypes, blonde jokes are okay.....

there are two blondes walking down the side of the street, and one digs up a hole in the dirt and the other one fills in the hole. they do this for hours until some woman walks up and asks them why they are doing this. and they say because the girl that plants the trees in the hole is absent lol!!

Answer 8

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

Answer 9

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!"
As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot
in the door and pushed wide open.
"Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
arent people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isnt the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If its true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didnt zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "Hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs.

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner?

Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
So a blonde, brunette and redhead try to rob a bank and get caught by the police. Their punishment is execution by gunshot. The brunette is first. She is asked "Any last words?" and she replies "No." Right when she is about to get shot, she yells as loud as she can "HURRICANE!!!" Everybody turned around, and while they weren't looking, she ran away. The redhead was next. "Any last words?" she was asked. "No sir." she replied. Right when she is about to be shot, she yells as loud as she can 'EARTHQUAKE!!!" When everybody turns to see the "earthquake", the redhead runs off. Then it was the blonde's turn. She caught on to what the other girls were doing. When she was asked "Any last words?", she replied "Nope." right when she's about to get shot, she yells as loud as she can "FIRE!!!"

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.
A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
"What are you doing." they ask her.
So she replies "Hanging myself."
The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."
The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."
The Drowning Man.
There's a man drowning. A boat comes up and the person says, "Are you alright? Want To Come with me?" But the man replies "No God will save me." A second boat comes up and asks the same thing.
He replies "No God will save me." He dies from drowning and once he gets to heaven and asks God" Why didn't you save me?" God replies" I sent 2 boats for you Idiot".
Who's the Idiot?
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?"
Said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well actually I don't," said the student,
"But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Here are some Blond Jokes,
What does a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A black box! Lol
How do you kill a blond?
Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
This blond goes to the bank to take out a $2000 loan. The bank sees she's extremely rich. They ask for collateral. She gives them the keys to her Ferrari. Two weeks she comes back and pays of the loan plus $10 interest. The loan officer asks why she took out the loan in the first place. She answers "where else do you know of that I could have parked my car for two weeks for $10?"
There's 4 women- 1 brunette and 3 blondes- holding onto a rope hanging off a cliff. The rope starts to break. The brunette says "ok. This rope cant hold 4 people so I'm going to sacrifice myself for the group and let go of the rope." the 3 blondes then clap for her bravery...
There is a blonde a brunette and a red head. Their car gets stuck in the dessert, so the brunette tells them to bring 1 thing on their walk back to civilization. The brunette brings the waters. The red head brings the sunscreen, and the blonde brigs the car door, the two other girls ask her y she is taking the car door, the blonde responds: so when it's hot I can roll down the window.
3 blondes were traveling to Disneyland and their driving and they see a sign DISNEYLAND LEFT, so they go home.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A: Golden retriever
Here Are some Doctor Jokes:
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I only have 59 seconds to live
Doctor: Just wait A Minute
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I think I am shrinking
Doctor: Well your just going to have to be a little patient.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I think I am a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Patient: Doctor, Doctor I think I am a pin
Doctor: I see your point.

Answer 10

a woman walked into the drug store and went to the pharmacist and said "i would like some Cyndie"
"and why do you want some?"he asked
"i want to kill my husband"she replied
"you cant to that you could go to jail... i could go to jail"he wailed
the woman holds up a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife
"oh"he said"i didn't no you had a proscription"