Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

one day a burglar came to his farm and began to break in, the man dialed 911 and called for help. The 911 dispatcher said "am afraid we don't have any patrol cars available in that area, keep all your doors closed"

moments later, the man called 911 again and said "you dont have to send any policeman now, i shot the burglar. Immidiately police cars and an ambulance arrived at the farm. They arrested the burglar alive still trying to break in. The cop said. "i thought you said you shot the burglar" and the man replied. "I thought you said there were no police available here"

2007-04-15 12:38:18 · 6 answers · asked by Redeemed 5

I'm fatherless and motherless, And born without sin. Roaring when entering the world, I never speak again. What am I?

First one to get it gets 10 points!!!

2007-04-15 12:30:02 · 9 answers · asked by Llama 4

Yeah, I'm verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry random!

2007-04-15 11:11:49 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-15 10:57:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.) neo eecpi
2.) ratuon
3.) lebach
4.) hdate otne
5.)mra
6.) gbakcrests
7.)lltmelafu malhecsti
8.) - o aptrs htuner
9.) samashi shikiotmo
10.) teti boku
11.) ssopu
12.) etarim
13.)ejine yugah

2007-04-15 10:56:37 · 8 answers · asked by Timmy 3

Deep in a forest, is the dead body of a woman wearing a swimsuit, a snorkel and a facemask. The nearest lake is 10 miles away. Explain her death.

2007-04-15 10:52:13 · 5 answers · asked by blahblahblah 1

2007-04-15 10:45:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and Mick in a small plane.....Mick says to Paddy...."If we turn upside down do you think we'll fall out?"

Paddy says...."Nah, don't be daft!!!!, we've been mates for years!!!"

2007-04-15 10:11:50 · 23 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

If you have 100 apples sitting on a table and you multiplied it by one apple, how many apples would you have?

2007-04-15 10:08:58 · 32 answers · asked by Michael T 2

Apparently, it was a hearing!



:D

2007-04-15 10:07:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hurt my wrist the other day at work. One of my buddies told me that I would feel better if I went home and soaked it in cider.
Get it...soaked it inside her!

2007-04-15 10:02:51 · 6 answers · asked by Michael T 2

through desert when they run out of petrol ;they decide towalk until they came across some arabs who had camels they ask them to sell to off the camels which they do both men get on to there camel but canot get them to move so the arabtells them toget down and he would show them how to make them move so they both get down .then the arab tickles there balls and both where of like a shot so one of the blokes says you shall have to tickle our balls now because we shall have to catch them

2007-04-15 10:01:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde decides to try horse riding even though she has no exsperience she gets on with no problems.The horse is going a rytmitic and steady pace when the blonde started to fall she hangs on to the horses mane but looses her grip while her head was banging on the ground to her luck Stan the wal mart greeter unplugs the Horse

2007-04-15 09:48:55 · 17 answers · asked by daphnerocksoutloud 2

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear at the rear of the plane and begin walking to the cockpit through the centre aisle. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers as he stumbles down the aisle and the co-pilot has a guide dog.
The passengers think that it must be some sort of practical joke and after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness and then start whispering among themselves, looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
As the plane starts accelerating rapidly the passengers begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the passengers get more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left all the passengers screams at once.

Then at the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

2007-04-15 09:45:51 · 15 answers · asked by The Unknown Soldier 6

drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.The first lifeguard says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!"To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law.""Are you trying to kill her?""Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch."With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her."What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard.
"Professional courtesy."

2007-04-15 09:42:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a woman who wont do as shes are told

2007-04-15 09:32:49 · 11 answers · asked by reem2 3

A husband and wife visits the doctor with their 7 year old son. They are not talking and keep passing messages to the son to deliver to the other. Another patient notices this and asks the father - arent you on speaking terms? No, says the father, not for the past 10 years. Well, where does the infant come from? Oh, pops up the wife, we're not THAT mad at each other.

2007-04-15 09:21:30 · 3 answers · asked by MaggieSA 3

Do all the other tree laugh

2007-04-15 08:57:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What others do laterally I do upright.
My namesakes have run races but I don't compete, alright?
My cousins are dragons but not a lizard be,
I do one thing that all men can't so what can I be?

2007-04-15 08:54:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

says to her husband
"I look fat and ugly, pay me a compliment,"
To which her husband replies
"Your eye sight is f***in spot on!"

Star if funny

2007-04-15 08:42:22 · 19 answers · asked by ? 6

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

2007-04-15 08:38:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

2007-04-15 08:34:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the day of wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, she suddenly realized she had forgotten get shoes.
Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to the room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "That was tight"
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she is virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

2007-04-15 08:21:52 · 40 answers · asked by Pd 6

2007-04-15 08:01:09 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. "

"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if MRS. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did.
Everything was goin fine BUT WHEN SHE BENT DOWN TO BITE OFF THE THREAD, MR. MacDonald WALKED IN...

2007-04-15 07:58:22 · 39 answers · asked by Pd 6

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday!
gimme a star already!!!1

2007-04-15 07:45:56 · 23 answers · asked by Boaz 1

i was in the cinema and that superman advert came on - the one where the bullet stops just infront of his eye - and when that part of the ad. came on this kid shouted out ; somones been to specsavers! and the whole cinema burst out laughing...
whats the funniest thing you've ever seen happen in a cinema (not in the film lol)?

2007-04-15 07:32:20 · 8 answers · asked by wheelie bin 2

there are 2 muffins in an oven.
the first muffin says, "ahhhh! we're in an oven!"
the second muffin says, "ahhhh! a talking muffin!"

LOL, i thought it was so funny.

and,
what did the ocean say to the sand?


nothing, it just waved.

2007-04-15 07:03:08 · 23 answers · asked by japnitalianchick 2

Your mums so fat that when she steps on the scales it says one at a time plz! Your mums so fat she has to wear a 'warning wide load' sign! Your mums so fat she steps on the scales and it gives her your mobile number! Your mums so fat that when she lost 1lb she thought she was anorexic! Your mums so fat shes on both sides of the family! Your mums so fat that when you cut her leg gravy pours out! Your mums so fat when she jumps in the pool the water jumps out!
(Sorry if anything i wrote affended anyone)
So wat u think?

2007-04-15 07:01:54 · 19 answers · asked by .:Hannah:. 2

First joke:
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million pounds?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

Second joke:
Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!

third joke:
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

2007-04-15 07:00:41 · 20 answers · asked by Want Your Bad Romance 4