Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

2007-04-17 07:31:04 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

2007-04-17 07:21:16 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." "What did he leave behind? _______________________.





2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the,

_________________________________Show.





3. Get your kicks on _____________________________.





4. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ___________________________.





5. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____________________________________.





6. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _______________________________.





7. Nestle makes the very best,______________________________.

2007-04-17 04:49:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill and Hillary Clinton are driving in the country near
Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill stops
at a gas station. The man at the gas station comes out
and looks into the window.

"Hey, Hillary! We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.

They talk merrily for a few minutes. Bill pays, and they
leave. As they drive, Bill is feeling very proud of himself
and looks over at Hillary.

"You used to date that guy? Just think what life would be
if you hadn't married me," he says. Hillary looks at Bill
and says to him,

"Well, I guess you'd be pumping gas and he'd be President"

2007-04-17 04:38:08 · 6 answers · asked by How many questions can there be? 3

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what
animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

--- Check back later for the answers.....

2007-04-17 04:36:33 · 7 answers · asked by How many questions can there be? 3

heard this one a while ago over a few bevie's and just thought ouch what you think?
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

2007-04-17 03:48:34 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its my friends 19 birthday, so I wannted to send her a cute but prefeably dirty ( :-P ) limerick. it will make her day. Something not to dirty and something having to do with her turing 19 or birthday in general. Thanks!

2007-04-17 03:26:56 · 6 answers · asked by deano_vt 2

I think it is a bit rubbish, but that's me! What do you think?


What do you call a chav with more than 9 GCSE's?


A liar

2007-04-17 03:23:57 · 9 answers · asked by Cookie_Monster_UK 5

little boy disturbs his parents having se*, mum was on top. Boy asks, "what are you doing." Mum says dad has a big belly so i get on top of it to flaten it, Boy says, " your waistin your time caz whn u go out the lady nxt door gts down on her knees and blows it back up again

2007-04-17 03:20:09 · 9 answers · asked by Ashley M 2

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi, are on the Titanic. The Rabbi yells, " The ship is sinking, save the children." The minister says, " F*** the children". The priest looks at his watch and says, " Do you think there's time?"

2007-04-17 03:13:04 · 5 answers · asked by ‹(•¿•)› 2

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his p***s. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

2007-04-17 03:09:39 · 13 answers · asked by ? 5

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

2007-04-17 03:07:49 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The one that makes me laugh the most first will get 20 points 10 on this one and I will make a dumbie one just to give another 10 points to you.

2007-04-17 02:48:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man is has just died and is in heaven. he sees another dead man and asks him
"can i ask you how did you die?"
"well, it sounds strange, but i died frozen. and you?"
"i died for happiness"
"that's strange, too! how did it happen?"
"well, a friend phoned me to say that my wife was with another man, so i went out of my office, got home and found my wife doing houseworks alone. i was so happy that i died"
"you're stupid!!!you could open the fridge, and we would be both alive now!"

2007-04-17 02:34:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

2007-04-17 02:15:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

2007-04-17 02:08:57 · 18 answers · asked by Pinky 6

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".

He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES".

The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

2007-04-17 01:52:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The head of the nuns calls for an urgent meeting. All the nuns were gathered in the hall. The leader started by saying: “everyone listen to me, a condom was found within the walls of this church”. All the nuns went together:” uhhhhhhhhh”, but only one nun was: "hehehehehe”

The leader then went on saying: “the bad news is that there is a hole in the condom”. All the nuns now were: “hehehehehehe ”, and that only one nun was :”uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

2007-04-17 01:36:44 · 7 answers · asked by Tea 2

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

2007-04-17 01:05:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde guy goes to work with a black eye, his friends ask him what on earth happened...
He replies, 'it happened at church'...
His mates don't beleive him and say, 'bad things don't happen at chruch'....so he decides to explain:
'ok i went to chruch yesterday and while we were singing hyms there stood this big fat lady infront of me, i notcied her dress was stuk in her bum crack so i decided to be nice and pull it out for her...and she turned around in anger...BOOM! thats how i got the black eye.
His friends could not stop laughing all day!

The next day the blonde guy comes back to work all beaten up and looking ten times as worse...
his friends asked..'what the hell happened now', and he told them it was at chruch again, they didn't believe him so he went on to explain:
'yesterdy at church we were singing hyms again and the same big fat lady stood in front of me, once again her dress was stuk in her bum crack, this guy stood next to me and he saw it and pulled.............

2007-04-17 00:06:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-16 23:26:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

"HI MY NAME IS JOHN AND IM A ALCOHOLIC"?

2007-04-16 23:22:08 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-16 22:42:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M.
news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building,
contemplating suicide.

The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps
off that building and commits suicide."

The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"

They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the
ledge. The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette
stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to
confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that
the man would jump."

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't
think he'd jump off again!"
______________________________________________________________

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street. The brunette says,
"Look, a dead bird."
The blonde looks up and says, "Where!!"

2007-04-16 22:16:29 · 14 answers · asked by Boaz 1

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've
never
laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest 'winkie' the
doctor had ever
seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size
of a AAA
battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started
giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten
minutes later he was
able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure. "I'm so
sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't
know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman,
I promise it
won't happen again. Now what seems to be the
problem?"
"It 's swollen," Ed replied.

2007-04-16 21:08:25 · 16 answers · asked by Gina B 4

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them ?

2007-04-16 20:51:19 · 9 answers · asked by its just a joke 3

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her bottom and said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,

"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

2007-04-16 20:23:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

if a woman with big tatas works at hooters. where dose a woman with one leg work?

will put answer in a few min.

2007-04-16 19:23:13 · 5 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Pac-Man, Namco's 1979 arcade game, was originally called "Puck Man". The name was changed when they realized that vandals could easily scratch out part of the letter "P".

2007-04-16 18:10:32 · 16 answers · asked by kenmauiphoto 5

2007-04-16 18:00:21 · 17 answers · asked by Tom B 4