Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Little Johnny Answers the Question

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

2007-04-18 02:08:06 · 21 answers · asked by farie gurl 2

well, we've heard about birds & bees....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBzjjRZmjAU

2007-04-18 02:03:04 · 17 answers · asked by The Unknown Soldier 6

One day,
A boy overslept and he was gonna be late for school
when the boy got on a public bus, he sat on a clock
WHY?

2007-04-18 01:25:21 · 7 answers · asked by J E 2

My teacher talks to herself.Does yrs?
Yes, but she doesn't realise it, she actually thinks we r listening!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Pupil: no mam, not very much

Teacher: What are the small rivers that run into the nile?
Pupil: juve-niles

Teacher: If you add 3542 and 3085, then divide it by 4 and multiply by 6, what will you get?
Pupil: The wrong answer

Teacher: Bobby, I hav read your essay about your house and its word for word exactly the same as your brother's from last year!
Bobby: Of course, its the exact, brick for brick same house!

When does 5 and 5 make 11?
When u r stupid!

Pupil( on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to go to school today.
School secretary: who is this speaking?
Pupil: This is my father speaking

Teacher: if i lay one egg here and one egg there, how many eggs will there be?
Pupil: none
Teacher: Why not?
PupilI don't think you can lay eggs

star if its lame/funny enough thks =)

2007-04-18 01:17:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) Why did a blonde go to a movie with her 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed
2)A Blonde goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Blonde : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Blonde : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Blonde : "I'll buy it"
The next day she goes to work with her thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Blonde : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Blonde : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
Blonde : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"
After completing a jigsaw puzzle she'd been working on for quite sometime, a blonde proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", she brags.
"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." she replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS"

2007-04-17 22:56:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres a blond a brunnet and a red head on a desert iland and the closest land is 30 miles away. the red head says "i will make it to the land and get help" so she jumps into the water gets 5 miles and drowns. the brunnet says "i will swim and get help" so she jumps in swims 10 miles and gets etan by sharks. the blond says to her self "i will go to the land and get help so i can get rescued". so she jumps into the water swims 25 miles gets tired and decids to swim back. (cu laughter)

2007-04-17 22:43:04 · 12 answers · asked by Time is nigh 3

Daddy! tell "officer friendly" he's sexy & has a nice body!-It works for mommy all the time!!

(what if this happened to you?)

2007-04-17 21:52:52 · 3 answers · asked by strange-artist 7

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

2007-04-17 20:26:30 · 6 answers · asked by nicky 4

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway train next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"



The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."



The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"



The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

2007-04-17 20:24:14 · 29 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside.
The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"
The guy says, "Yea, he licks puxxy."
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment.
They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
The blonde says, "Well? what's up?"
The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

2007-04-17 20:05:16 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

2007-04-17 19:20:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Could blurred vision when on this site mean that it is time to get off? There are pink elephants and green cows in my apartment too. Funny but you can walk right through the cow but the elephant keeps spraying orange juice all over. What does all of this mean?

2007-04-17 18:47:27 · 14 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

I'm the editor of our colledge newspaper.

Our college wrestling champion has been taunted so much by a wrestler on our rival's team, saying he would beat him.

Well, not only did our champ outwrestle him easily, but at the end of the match, his singlet ripped off in his hand, and we have a photo for page 1 of the NAKED opponent's bare butt running off in shame as our champ holds his singlet up as a trophy!!

What would be the funniest headline for this?

2007-04-17 18:32:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 Nuns die and are standing at the gates of heaven waiting to be let in but its a long wait and they still have to prove themselves to Peter. Peter says he will let them in now if they each answer a question correctly.

They all agree so Peter asks the first nun: "What is the name of the first man on earth?" and the the first nun laughs and says "Oh that's easy its Adam" and suddenly the clouds part and the heavenly gates open.

So Peter walks over to the second nun and asks "What is the name of the first woman on earth?" and the second nun is relieved and says "Oh its definitely Eve" and suddenly the clouds part and the heavenly gates open.

Finally Peter goes up to the third nun and asks "What did the first woman say to the first man when they met?" The third nun was confused and scratched her head trying to think of the answer and says "Gee thats a hard one!" And the clouds parted and the heavenly gates opened...

2007-04-17 16:51:52 · 8 answers · asked by KD 5

can u complete this
i know something that.....

2007-04-17 16:23:55 · 20 answers · asked by xAxGIRLxCALLxKILLx 3

If there are 10 cats in a car and 1 jumps out, how many are left?

2007-04-17 16:12:46 · 31 answers · asked by J E 2

there is a nun taxi driver, she pulls up to a street corner and picks up a man, the man then gets in the car and says, "Take Me to 57.Berkley Ave. please," and the nun taxi driver says "ok." So they go down the road a little bit and the man says, "Ive always wondered what it would be like to kiss a nun." so the nun says well there is two manditory things, you have to be single and you have to be Catholic, so the man says ok im single and Catholic. So they kiss and its the best kiss they both have ever had. they drive down the road a little bit and the man passenger says, I have a confession to make.. im not Single and I'm not Catholic and the nun taxi driver says, well I have a confession to make to... my names Kevin and in going to a holloween party.

2007-04-17 15:48:29 · 17 answers · asked by llamasgomoo 2

2007-04-17 15:37:30 · 8 answers · asked by llamasgomoo 2

Old Fart Phones.

2007-04-17 15:28:17 · 1 answers · asked by doublewidemama 6

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs @$$ and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers went to bed.

2007-04-17 15:23:14 · 16 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

A teacher in a classroom asked the kids to write a story with a moral,so the next day, the kids came in with their efforts.First was Susie.She saidmy daddy owns a chicken farm,every saturday we take the eggs to the market to be sold.But one day,one of the eggs fell out.So the moral isDont count your chickensbefore they hatch.thats good Susie.Then Cindy went.her father also owned a chicken farm.Every saturday we put the eggs in anincubator.but one day,only8 of the12 eggs hatched.the moral of the story isdont count your chickens before they hatch.Then it was Johns turn.My uncle Jim was in the Vietnam war.One day his plane was shot down and all he could carry was a case of beer,a machine gun,and a machete.He drank the case of beer on the way down and then helanded in 1000s of Vietnamese soldiers.He killed80with his machine gun then another25 with his machete, and then 10 more with his bare hands.Thats nice John, but, whats the moral of the story?Dont mess with my Uncle Jim when hes drunk.

2007-04-17 14:40:04 · 12 answers · asked by narutouzumakib 2

Is it bad to use a toaster for a heater?
ya every friday night and saturday night, i go into my closet and turn on the toaster like six times. then it gets nice and hot like a sauna. the toaster has plastic on it and it gets really hot. but i do this to enjoy the warmth and to celebrate the long weekend. is this okay? i love to celebrate and enjoy the weekend. i also lay down by it and hug my minnie mouse stuffed animal and talk to myself. lol hahahahha

2007-04-17 13:56:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs
And Pray
You dont Multiply

2007-04-17 13:55:45 · 11 answers · asked by secretrainbow89 3

I saw this riddle months ago, but didnt get the answer. here goes.

There were three students getting a room at a hotel. The manager charges them $30 for the room, so each student puts in $10 each.
then after the students go to their room, the manager sees that he should have charged them $25 because they are students. so the manager gives the bellboy $5 to give back to the students. the bellboy thinks about this, and figures out that he cant split the money evenly between the 3 students, so he pockets $2 and gives them back $3, so $1 each to save any problems.

Ok, so each student ended up paying only $9 each ($10 at the start and was given $1 back). so $9 x 3 equals $27, plus the $2 the bellboy kept equals $29, where did the other $1 go?

i dont want any stupid answers like a hooker took it, or bellboy or manager kept it.
If you can figure it out, please give me your working out of it.

Plus it isnt $25 (the room charge) + $3 (the change) + $2 (the bellboys "tip") NOT IT!!

2007-04-17 13:54:10 · 10 answers · asked by K G girl 2

this kid didnt know what 1+1 was. so his teacher told him to go home and ask his family and tell her the next day. he goes home. "mom wats 1+1?" he asks. "shut up!! im washing the vegetables!!" "dad wats 1+1?" "shut up im watching TV!!" "big bro, wats 1+1?" his bro was playing video games. "come on come on im not afraid of you!!!" he asks his sister, who was lying in her sofa. "wats 1+1?" "hmmm so comfy."
the next day the teacher asks him "wats 1+1?" "shut up im washing the veggies!!" "pardon?" "shut up im watching TV!!" "im going to spank you!!" come on come on im not afraid of you!!" she hits him and he says "hmm so comfy"

2007-04-17 13:41:42 · 20 answers · asked by *cough cough* 2

there waz a kindergarden class and there teacher tells them to go home and find out something exciting about their family.a little boy named jonny thought about it a long time.the next day when his teacher cakked on him,he whent up to the board and drew a dot.when his teacher asked him what it waz he said it waz a period.his teacher asked him how that waz exciting,he said,"i dont know,but my sister missed hers,then dad fainted,mom started yelling and the guy next door shot hiself"

2007-04-17 13:10:18 · 7 answers · asked by shorty 2

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is goose, but two are called geese.
Yet the plural of moose, should never be meese.


You may find a lone mouse or a nest of mice.
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?


If I spoke of my foot, and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?


Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose.


When we say brother, we say brethren.
But though we may say mother, we never say methren.


Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis, and shim.


So, English I fancy you will agree
Is the craziest language that you ever did see.

2007-04-17 13:06:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew
up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.

"A football player," said Jim.

"A doctor," said Alfred.

"An astronaut," said Suzy.

"The president," said little Al. (Everyone laughed).

"A fireman," said Fred.

"A teacher," said Lisa.

"A race car driver." said Mario.

Everyone that is, except Tommy.

The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said
to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Possible." Tommy replied.

"Possible?" asked the teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So
when I get to be big, I want to be possible."

2007-04-17 13:02:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

2007-04-17 12:58:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

2007-04-17 12:56:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous