Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Man sitting reading the paper, when his wife hit him across the head, he said 'what's that for?' she said ' Iv'e found a peice of paper in your pocket with Mary Ellen on!' Quick as a flash he said 'That was the name of a horse from the races last week!' Which she accepted. A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan, he said 'What's that for?' She replied 'Your effing horse just phoned'.

2007-04-19 21:33:32 · 6 answers · asked by Alicat 6

Differences between men & woman

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.

2007-04-19 21:16:06 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gay man went to the barber one day & asked: "How can I grow hair on my chest?" The Barber replied: "Put a lot of Vaseline on your chest, that'll do the trick."
As the gay man settled in for the night, he slathered the Vaseline all over his chest, then went to bed, his lover climbed into bed with him, & felt the slime all over his chest, "What's this?" the lover asked.
Gay man:"Vaseline, the barber said it would help me grow hair on my chest"
The Lover: "You dummy, If that were true, you would have a damn ponytail growing out of your a**!"

2007-04-19 21:04:04 · 7 answers · asked by Lorenzo A 2

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back."

2007-04-19 20:54:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.


I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...
3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! Got away with that


Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said,

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh.****!" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

2007-04-19 20:43:25 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An American wrestler was going up against an Australian one night, The American's manager said: "This guys' got a hold called the 'Kangaroo hold', once you're locked in the hold, you're screwed, it can't be broken, whatever you do, try not to get caught in that hold, got it?"
The American nodded in agreement & went to the ring for the match, just 2 minutes into the match, The American got caught in the dreaded Kangaroo hold, his manager covered his eyes as he could not stand to watch, all of a sudden, a big roar came from the crowd, the manager opened his eyes & saw the American's hand being raised in victory & the Australian out cold in the middle of the ring.
On the way back from the ring the manager asked:"I can't beleive it, how did you break that hold?"
The American said:"Well, he had me all twisted, & I looked up & I saw this pair of balls hanging in front of my face, so I bit them, you'll be surprised how strong you can get when you bite your own nuts."

2007-04-19 20:04:17 · 7 answers · asked by Lorenzo A 2

What colour are hiccups?

2007-04-19 19:58:58 · 13 answers · asked by Toilet Duck 4

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."

2007-04-19 18:47:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

i deserve a badge yet?
or do i have to answer more questions??? lol

2007-04-19 18:05:37 · 20 answers · asked by <_> 2

Man Wrinkle spent one-fourth of his life as a boy, one-eighth as a youth, and one-half as an active man. If Man Wrinkle spent 11 years as an old man, then how many years did he spend as an active man

2007-04-19 15:33:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm the editor of our colledge newspaper.

Our college wrestling champion has been taunted so much by a wrestler on our rival's team, saying he would beat him.

Well, not only did our champ outwrestle him easily, but at the end of the match, he ripped his singlet right off of him, and we have a photo for page 1 of the NAKED opponent's blushing red as he runs off in shame as our champ holds his singlet up as a trophy!!

What would be the funniest headline for this?

2007-04-19 15:18:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time in deepest darkest Africa there was a village. In this village to prove yourself a man you had to capture a Pink Elephant. But one young lad was more ambitious and decided to catch the rare and elusive White Elephant. Now White Elephants are very smart, but they have one major weakness, bread rolls.
So our hero took a bread roll and a sleeping tablet out through Pink Elephant Territory, but he didn't want a pink one he wanted a white one, and into White Elephant Territory. He left the roll and returned home, through Pink Elephant territory, but he didn't want a pink one he wanted a white one, and slept the night out.
The following day he went back out through Pink Elephant Territory, but he didn't want a pink one he wanted a white one, and when he got to White Elephant Territory he found the sleeping tablet sitting where the roll had been. The White Elephant was too smart for that one.

2007-04-19 15:14:15 · 24 answers · asked by Taliesin Pen Beirdd 5

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

2007-04-19 15:12:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst s £ x with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Star if ya like :D

2007-04-19 15:09:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

And Eats Chocolate cake for breakfast?
It does have eggs and milk after all.

2007-04-19 14:56:15 · 6 answers · asked by mysticalviking 5

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

2007-04-19 14:54:34 · 11 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

These are only meant to amuse!

HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN -

Wow.. and your feet are so big!

I guess this makes me the early bird!

But it still works...right?

Are you cold, maybe...?

2007-04-19 14:46:12 · 20 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

The first 1 says "Man it's hot in here!" The second 1 says "Holy Crap! You're a talking cupcake!"

2007-04-19 14:39:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Wanna hear a clean joke??
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John took a bath with boubbles
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wanna hear a dirty joke?
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Boubbles was his boyfriend

2007-04-19 14:24:13 · 5 answers · asked by funki15munki 2

Seriously...I'm sick of everyone spelling it "your"

terrible grammar makes me sick. you don't need to capitalise or put periods on everything but at least spell words right.

2007-04-19 13:42:17 · 28 answers · asked by clock cleaner 2

A boy and his mom were walking in the mall and see two kids making out. He asks "Mommy what are they doing?" his mom says "They're making cakes" "OK" says the boy The next day the same thing happens while he and his mom were walking in the park, This time he sees two old people. He asks, "Mommy what are they doing?" "They're making cakes honey" "OK" said the boy So the next day the boy comes out and says "Mommy I know what you and daddy did last night" "What did we do last night honeyy?" "You made cakes" "How do u know, honey?" "I licked the frosting off the bed"

2007-04-19 13:31:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest t!ts I've ever seen."

2007-04-19 11:38:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-19 11:31:16 · 41 answers · asked by mary s 2

Why cant blondes make ice cubes?

Because they don't have the recipe!
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Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
A: A:It is the one with the kickstand.
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How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday!
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A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
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Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
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Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone but

2007-04-19 11:28:30 · 20 answers · asked by Bow Chika Bow Wow 2

2007-04-19 10:24:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Embarrasing problem: by Lucy Lastic.
Where's my hole: by Phil Din.
The whole truth, and nothing but: by Laura Norda.
I've just let off: by C.M Run.
LOng distance lovers: by MIles A. Part.
My worst week: by Gladys Friday.
The fast food diet: by Caesar Salad.
Don't wake the baby: by Elise Cries.
The all meat diet: by Lena Bacon.

2007-04-19 10:12:01 · 12 answers · asked by aza 1

The person who says the funniest thing (it doesn't have to be a reason) gets it. It wouldn't hurt to give me a star...

2007-04-19 10:01:31 · 23 answers · asked by ugochi 3

a man spies a refugee eating grass along a stretch of motorway. He pulls in: "Hay, don't eat that,' he shouts, "it's filthy! full of dog $hit, road grit, all sorts. if your really hungry, come home with me!"
The refugee looks up and replies: "I have a wife also...."
"No problem" says the man, "bring her as-well, the more the merrier!"
"I also have eight children, two grand children and many cousins," the refugee continues.
"Now wait a minute," shouts the man, readying his engine, "just how big do you think my bloody lawn is!"

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me,
"can you give me a lift?"
i said "sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it!"

2007-04-19 09:54:18 · 32 answers · asked by pinkchiq2 3

I've heard a million racist jokes in my time, or jokes against this country or that country, etc., but I always wondered what are the jokes against white people or Americans? I know they're out there. What are they?

No self-righteous lectures about how racism is wrong or any other obvious platitudes, please. I've been curious about this for a while.

2007-04-19 09:40:11 · 6 answers · asked by Retodd 3

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with

Her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through

the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice

children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest

Is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you

Really think they look alike, you di-khead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe

anyone would sh@- you twice!"

2007-04-19 09:24:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous