Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Ricky is trying to decide what to call his new bar when he spots Lisa coming up the street. Ricky is really keen on Lisa, who's not only gorgeous looking but has legs that go on for ever. That's it, he thinks, I'll call my new bar Lisa's Legs.

The next day three men are waiting outside the bar when a cop stops to ask them what they are doing.

"We're waiting for Lisa's Legs to open so we can go in and satisfy our needs," they reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a pub, orders a pint and is charged £1.80. A little later he orders another and hands over £1.80. but the third time, the barman gives it to him for free.
"How come?" asks the man.
"Well, the owner of this pub doesn't know that I know he's upstairs with my wife. So I'm doing to him down here what he's doing to me up there."

2007-04-20 14:28:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Find the error. It's impossible!

AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

2007-04-20 14:24:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

It says "Did you hear the pne about.."

2007-04-20 14:17:29 · 4 answers · asked by babycakes_rocks 3

This guy was driving along as his truck gradually ground to a hault. As he looked down at the gauges he noticed that the fuel said E. Just as he was pondering what to do, a bee flew in his window. The bee asked what was wrong and the man explained that he was out of gas. The bee said, "I'll be back in a second." Sure enough, the bee was as good as his words, returning with a few thousand of his closest friends and relatives. They flew into the tank. In a minute the be flew back to the cab and buzzed, "Start 'er up!" And sure enough, the engine returned to life. The driver asked, "What did you do?" yer gonna hate me.................!











BP!

2007-04-20 14:11:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are people going to ask the same riddles over and over and tell the same jokes until you cant take it anymore!!! Find some new stuff!!

2007-04-20 14:06:50 · 7 answers · asked by David K 2

i smoked a turkey yesterday and bought it into work today to share and someone asked how i did it she said that she has tried many times before but was not able to keep the end lit lol alll the food in my mouth was therefor ejected guess you had to be there

2007-04-20 13:59:52 · 10 answers · asked by k dog 4

Harsh things a woman can say to a naked bloke...

Wow...and your feet are so big!

I guess this makes me the early bird!

But it still works - right?

Are you cold?

Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

Why don't we just cuddle?

You know they have surgery to fix that.

I never saw one like that before.

Maybe it looks better in natural light?

2007-04-20 13:45:52 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys are discussing the control they have over their wives.

The first guy says, "I have immense control over my wife. Every night I come home from work to find my dinner waiting for me on the table."

The second guy says, "I have total control over my wife. Every night I come home from work to find a hot bath ready and waiting."

The third guy says, "The other night, lads, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The other two are really impressed with this and ask, "Yeah? what did she say?"

"Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

2007-04-20 13:36:13 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just heard the worst three words you can hear, while making love,

"Darling I'm home."

2007-04-20 13:26:44 · 9 answers · asked by raybbies 5

a blond with headphones on walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut. She says to the hair dresser just cut an inch off he asks her to remove her headphones and she refuses so we works carefully around them she tips him and leaves.
A couple of weeks later the same blond walks in ands to take an inch off but she wont take off her headphones she tips the hair dresser and leaves.
the same thing happens every couple of weeks over the next year and the hair dresser is wondering what shes listening to so he decides that the next time she comes in he will take off her headphones and find out what shes listening to.
the same blond walks in and askes for an inch cut off like always. The hair dresser takes off her headphones and she drops dead.
astonished he picks up the headphones to hear ... breath in..... breath out... breath in ...breath out

2007-04-20 13:17:54 · 9 answers · asked by Windar 1

the r*d light area. He finds a house & goes inside.
The Madam asks "What are you looking for?"
"Well" he replies. "I want a woman with a face like the back of a bus, b**bs down to her knees & a f**ny like a ripped-out fireplace"
The M*d*m frowns & asks "Are you ki*ky?"
He replies "No. Homesick"

2007-04-20 13:02:33 · 8 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

include the answer please

2007-04-20 12:34:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

2007-04-20 12:17:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

cuz i saw some cardboard boxes was it a fake?

2007-04-20 12:16:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-20 12:13:42 · 19 answers · asked by Sparky 2

please tell me some good ones with answers please? =]

2007-04-20 12:12:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you were eleven, did you have a 10-speed
bicycle. Did you think you were special?

Your eleven-year-old nephew has his own laptop
computer, a cel phone with video, an electronic
daytimer and a flat screen TV, widescreen. Oh, and his father is the first to say he will vote Republican in every election so his income bracket will not have shockwaves from new taxes./////////By the way, have you slapped the H. out of
your brother-in-law's English Bulldog lately?

2007-04-20 12:10:21 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two wild and wreckless motorcycle gang members, rode together to do their worst on the world. When one was shot by police, he passed on his dying wish to his gang brother. So the brother went off to prepare his companion's funeral, and went to find a priest. "Father, when you say the eulogy, say my brother was a Saint, or else I'll be back after the funeral". The priest agreed. During the eulogy the priest said, "This man here, who has died, why compared to his brother, he was a SAINT!"

2007-04-20 11:57:15 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

two words that mean a million......???


it doesnt have to do with money
and the answer is not a million
i have asked this question three times and out of the 80 answers no body has got it right
so if you get it right you will get 10 points

2007-04-20 11:45:47 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are you ashamed? I'm not! I put a dead squirrel on the tool box of my father-in-laws truck, so that it looked in the window. When he got in the truck and looked in the rear view, he said he nearly peed! He laughed so hard! We both laughed!

2007-04-20 11:41:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lad was talking to his grandad about the restaurant that his grandparents had been to for their anniversary. He asks, "What was the restaurant called?"
The grandad replies, "ooh, I can't remember.....What do you call those long stemmed flowers that are usually red and are given on Valentines day?"
The grandson replies, "A rose." The grandad shouts through the kitchen, "rose! rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary?"

2007-04-20 11:15:18 · 37 answers · asked by pinkchiq2 3

A door- to -door salesman asks people if they have petroleum jelly in the home and what do they use it for. 'i use it for the babys nappy rash,' one woman says. further up the street another woman explains:'i use it for dry hands and cracked lips.' in the last house a man answers.'um,yes he replies, looking embarrassed. 'my wifh and i use it for our sex life.' ' 'oh, for lubrication?' the salesman whispers. 'no - we put it on our door handles to keep the kids out!'

2007-04-20 11:02:18 · 33 answers · asked by mish 2

Very easy! GOOD LUCK

2007-04-20 10:40:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q:WHAT DID THE ELEPHANT SAY TO THE NAKED MAN? A:HOW DO YOU BREATH THROUGH SOMETHING SO TINY

2007-04-20 09:57:20 · 19 answers · asked by mish 2

''Can you smell fish?''

2007-04-20 09:43:04 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-20 09:38:22 · 17 answers · asked by yellowflwerkite 1

With Cho committing the most deadly school shooting it made me wonder....I know that this may sound a little morbid but I was just wondering who is responsible for the most human deaths ever....With the exception of Hitler. I guess what I really mean is who has killed the most people themselves...alone!

2007-04-20 09:34:13 · 6 answers · asked by ~Jacks Wifey~ 3

2007-04-20 09:11:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a dog, and an infant?

2007-04-20 08:50:58 · 3 answers · asked by johN p. aka-Hey you. 7

and buys a wall mirror. The assistant asks "do you want a screw for that?" The woman says "no but I'll suck your c0ck for a lawnmower!"

2007-04-20 08:19:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous