Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

I'm dating a man 14 years older than me, and we love to make jokes about our relationship. Does anyone know any good ones? Maybe about dating younger girls or somehing like that?

2007-04-20 08:04:11 · 4 answers · asked by TNsouthernbelle 1

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

2007-04-20 08:01:08 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rail Road cRossing, look out foR the caRs...

can you spell that without any Rs

2007-04-20 07:15:23 · 10 answers · asked by Killed_Nemo 2

God is a man.

Why you ask?

Over time and evolution, busts got bigger!

2007-04-20 07:07:15 · 22 answers · asked by acollegeangel 2

A businessman walks into a bank in central London and asks for the fella who deals with loans. He says he is going to the States on business for two weeks and needs to borrow five grand.

The loans fella says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the motor as security for the loan. An employee drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground car park and parks it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returns, repays the five grand and the interest, which comes to just over twenty quid. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow five grand?”

The businessman replies, “Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for £20?”

2007-04-20 06:33:29 · 14 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to
his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to
the golf course, I have sex,
I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice.I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk.

2007-04-20 06:22:16 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you 5uck ?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you 5crew ?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I 5uck! I 5crew!" she screamed in panic.
"5lut!" he said, and dropped her.

2007-04-20 06:14:48 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please Star or smth. haha
if you find it cool.

there was this priest and he had been drinkin one night.
Unfortunately, the cops caught up to him and asked him to pull over as he suspected him drinkin altho he's a priest.
so he failed the alcohol test.
and the cop asked what is that barrel of wine next to you if u said you hadnt been drinkin?
the priest said that it's water.
the cop said lemme check/
and confirmed it's wine. so what have you to say now priest?
the priest replied blasphemoulsy
OMG! He did it again.

2007-04-20 06:04:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

It involves training loads of Monkeys to force feed another animal but the last line is something like "But you should see the look on the monkeys face when he pulls the plug out!"

I can't remember much else about it...

2007-04-20 06:00:54 · 5 answers · asked by Robb the B.D.C. 5

what are your best - and only your best - one/two line jokes?

2007-04-20 05:25:45 · 13 answers · asked by Redhead 3

????

2007-04-20 05:02:49 · 5 answers · asked by Phoebe 1

We're having a party for the boss on Wednesday and it would be fun to tell a few funny jokes....

2007-04-20 04:48:49 · 2 answers · asked by Brown eyed girl 7

2007-04-20 04:20:28 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked so
hard for his money and he wanted to be able to
take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray
that he might be able to take some of his wealth
with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules. The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that
God had decided to allow him to take one suit-
case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his
largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars
and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at
the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter
seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't
bring that in here!" But, the man explains to
Peter that he has permission and asks him to
verify his story with the Lord.

2007-04-20 04:14:33 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in,he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek decent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish!"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

2007-04-20 04:05:34 · 17 answers · asked by Mrs Nemanja Vidic 2

A traveling salesman and his smokin' hot wife were in bed and fast asleep at 3:00am when the phone rang. The husband answers it and after a few seconds says, "Heck I don't know; call the National Weather Service.". Then he hangs up the phone and rolls over to go back to sleep. Meanwhile the wife is laying there wondering what the heck just happened so she ask her husband, "Dear, who was on the phone?" He said, "It was a wrong number; someone wanted to know if the coast was going to be clear."

2007-04-20 04:04:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-20 03:54:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

and drink whatever comes out....?"

2007-04-20 03:51:37 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.
" I really can't remember," the snail replied, " You see, it all happened so fast."

2007-04-20 03:29:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cop pulls over a car speeding down the road. He walks up to the window and the little old man inside says, "Whadju stop me fur?!"
The police officer says, "Sir, I stopped you for speeding."
Old man says angrily, "I wudn't speedin'! I never speed."
His little wife on the other side of the car leans forward and says to the cop in you little tiny voice, "He wuz so speedin'! He always drives too fast. I'm always tryin' tu git him to slow down..." Old man says, "Shut up woman!"
The officer kinda laughs and says, "I also noticed when I walked up that you weren't wearing your seatbelt."
Old man yells, "I wuz so wearin' my seatbelt! I always wear my seatbelt! Took it off while you wuz walkin' up here!"
Little old lady leans forward again and says, "He wuz not wearin' his seatbelt. He never wears his seatbelt. I'm always tryin' tu git him tu put it on..." Old man says, "Shut up woman!"
The cop chuckles again and says, "Yu know, ya'll have made my day. I'm just gonna write you out a warning. You make sure to put your seatbelt on and stay within the speed limit and drive safe." Then he leans down to look in at the little lady, and says, "Maam, does he always talk to you that way?"
She says, "Only when he's been drinkin'."

2007-04-20 03:19:06 · 8 answers · asked by Angel L 3

A Talking Clock
A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?"

"That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you idiot?

2007-04-20 03:18:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

hints: fire, not wood, gasoline, not murder, accident, not suicide.

Get it yet?

2007-04-20 03:17:58 · 7 answers · asked by hotice1213@yahoo.com 2

an american farmer is visiting a farm in Ireland.he says to the irish farmer how large is your farm.The Irishman replies about 100 acres.The American says back home in the states my farm is so big it takes me a week to drive around it.The Irishman replies oh to be sure i had a car once that went like that

2007-04-20 03:11:34 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.
The accountant is silent.
"Where's my $3 million?" the boss shouts.
The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is!"
"Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back.
"The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

2007-04-20 03:06:29 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

whatsyour favedvd

2007-04-20 02:59:28 · 15 answers · asked by Diana G 1

Edna takes her 98 yr old husband Bert to the doctors, the doctor asks Bert for a urine sample,stool sample & a sperm sample. Bert shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY"? & Edna replies "HE WANTS YOUR UNDERPANTS"!!

2007-04-20 02:52:35 · 18 answers · asked by NO ONE 1

''fun with riddles''

2007-04-20 02:32:01 · 10 answers · asked by Ika _904 1

I am a bird you know quite well.
All dressed in Black and White.
Even though I do have wings,
They're not designed for flight.
I waddle, waddle, and waddle.
on my funny little feet.
Across the icy snow i go
to find a fishy treat.
What Am I?

2007-04-20 01:37:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

in a land far, far away....

2007-04-19 23:00:16 · 31 answers · asked by Dan 1

2007-04-19 22:29:39 · 54 answers · asked by nikhil804u04 1