Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

what did the cucumber say to the pickle?


"Hey mini-me!"



har har har

2007-04-30 13:06:03 · 10 answers · asked by ? 3

Q:What does Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?
A: They both have boys pants half off

2007-04-30 12:55:26 · 27 answers · asked by jellybeanjody2 2

The three sleazy roommates decided it was time they went to confession.
When the priest asked them for their sins, the first roommate said she had let a man fondle her breasts. The priest told her to wash them with holy water.

The second roommate confessed that she had touched a man`s cock. The priest told her to wash her hands with holy water.

The two girls were washing with holy water when the third roommate joined them.
"Move over sluts," she said, "I have to gargle."

2007-04-30 12:43:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy.

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.

If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.

The Chinese realised that they had no other choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them.

Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate. "To make it more interesting", he said, "Neither side would be allowed to talk".

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came.

Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Ah Pek looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.

Ah Pek pointed to the ground at where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine.

Ah Pek pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said:" I give up. This man is too good. The Chinese can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what happened?

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religious."

"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us."

"He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin. He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Ah Pek,"First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here.

I replied to him f*#k off and none of us was leaving."

"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese."

"I showed him that we are staying right here."

"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Ah Pek,"He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"

2007-04-30 12:43:46 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer in 10 mins

2007-04-30 12:20:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees another blonde woman with a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask what's wrong. The owner of the broken Porsche said, "I just had a look under the hood, and it seems somebody had stolen the engine."



The other said, "Oh, don't wory, I have a spare one in the back."

2007-04-30 12:16:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-30 10:58:39 · 20 answers · asked by joe d 1

2007-04-30 10:53:38 · 12 answers · asked by wan2no 1

2007-04-30 10:50:23 · 20 answers · asked by battysuzzie 3

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

2007-04-30 10:46:27 · 7 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

my friend gave me this riddle and i cant figure it out. please only answer if you have heard it before and have heard the correct answer. "A guy is pushing a dog. He stops at a hotel and gives a guy some money. He keeps going. What is going on?" (one of the worst riddles ive ever heard but i cant stand not knowing cause he wont tell me the answer)

2007-04-30 10:46:18 · 4 answers · asked by goalie 1

2007-04-30 10:42:19 · 29 answers · asked by your_cutie05 1

2007-04-30 10:41:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk.
He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed the dog was tied to the wagon by his test**les.
The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

2007-04-30 10:34:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

2007-04-30 10:34:42 · 5 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


If you know, please tell me.

2007-04-30 10:29:16 · 3 answers · asked by Jessie 2

two finalists in a poetry competition are given the word TIMBUKTU to use in their poem.

The first finalist:
SLOWLY CROSS THE DESERT SAND,
TRECKED A LONELY CARAVAN,
MEN ON CAMELS TWO BY TWO,
DESTIONATION - TIMBUKTU.

Irish finalist:

ME & TIM A HUNTING WENT,
MET THREE WH*RES IN A POP UP TENT,
THEY WAS THREE & WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUKTU!

2007-04-30 10:23:28 · 8 answers · asked by nia_lloyd 2

It's twisted. Not a joke or riddle, but definitely funny!
http://www.crapville.com/video_holder.asp?ID=911

2007-04-30 10:14:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ray, an old sailor, puts on his uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am i doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well Ray, old sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

2007-04-30 09:51:40 · 7 answers · asked by Boondocksaint 4

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-04-30 09:45:34 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house" and he said no. They said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up counted to 30 and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you few seconds ago Because there were people in my shed."
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Reponse Unit, and an ambulanc
show up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT...

2007-04-30 09:44:59 · 27 answers · asked by Jordan M 2

im all ears...

2007-04-30 09:12:57 · 13 answers · asked by vitamin r 3

In need of a good laugh...been a bad day.

2007-04-30 08:41:05 · 15 answers · asked by aero 5

after about 15mins the man gets up and says
damn i wish i had a "torch"
the woman replies,me too
youve been eating grass for the last 10mins

2007-04-30 07:39:18 · 22 answers · asked by reem2 3

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

2007-04-30 07:28:09 · 8 answers · asked by Chicago011 2

A company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

2007-04-30 07:25:28 · 10 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!"

2007-04-30 07:22:00 · 13 answers · asked by Maakies 3

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't bepromoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple ofcar payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have theirshoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

2007-04-30 07:13:00 · 6 answers · asked by prncessstef 4

A girl named Mary is sleeping through Sunday School as usual. Then the teacher asked her a question "Who created the universe?". A kid in back of her poked her with a pencil in the butt and she screamed "Oh my god!" The teacher says "that's correct Mary." At first she doesn't know what is going on but she decides to forget about it and falls back to sleep. An hour later the teacher asked her another question "Mary who is our Lord and Savior?" The boy pokes her again and she screams "Jesus Christ!" The teacher says "thats correct Mary" and she falls asleep. Another hour goes by and the teacher asked her another question. "What did Eve say to Adam after they had there twenty third child?" The boy pokes her and she screams "You stick that thing in me one more time I will get it and break it in half!!!" The teacher faints.

2007-04-30 07:11:27 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-30 07:00:56 · 26 answers · asked by mizz_funki 1