10 points to funniest long joke?

Question

In need of a good laugh...been a bad day.

Answer 1

OK HERE IS UR JOKE, HP U FEEL BETTER



For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello?' '

I politely said, ''This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?''

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled, ''You're a jackass!'' and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word ''jackass,'' and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and I'd yell, ''You're a jackass!''

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.

I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, ''Hello.'' I made up a name. ''Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?''

He went, ''No!'' and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because you're a jackass!''

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. " Great," I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, ''You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!'' The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."

I noticed he had a ''For Sale'' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ''You're a jackass!'' (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, ''Hello.''

I said, ''Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?''
''Yes, it is.''

''Can you tell me where I can see it?''

''Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.''

I said, ''What's your name?''

''My name is Don Hansen.''

''When's a good time to catch you, Don?''

''I'm home in the evenings.''

''Listen Don, can I tell you something?''

''Yes.''

''Don, you're a jackass!'' And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello.''

I yelled ''You're a jackass!'' but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, ''Are you still there?''

I said, ''Yeah.''

He said, ''Stop calling me.''

I said, ''No.''

He said, ''What's you name, pal?''

I said, ''Don Hansen.''

He said, ''Where do you live?''

''1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front.''

''I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.''

''Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!'' and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, ''Hello.''

I said, ''Hello, Jackass!''

He said, ''If I ever find out who you are...''

''You'll what?''

''I'll kick your butt.''

''Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!'' And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Name withheld to protect the guilty.

Answer 2

"Honk If You Love Jesus "

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did!

What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ''For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!'' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ''sunny beach''...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my buddy what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My buddy burst out laughing...why even HE was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Answer 3

Bob lives in the city. He had a stressful job and no family. One day, he decides to move to a remote area of the forest, to be alone with his thoughts and finally unwind.

He bought a cabin in the middle of nowhere. After having lived there for about six months, the man heard a knock on the door. He opened it up and there stood a massive lumberjack.

"Umm, can I help you?" Bob asked.

The lumberjack responded. "I live at the top of that hill over there. I saw smoke coming from your chimney and I decided to check it out. I'm having a party tonight and would you like to come?" Now, Bob hadn't been in contact with humans for a while so he agreed to the party

"It's a fancy dress party, so please wear something suitable." the lumberjack said. Bob nodded.

"I gotta warn you," the lumberjack said, "there might be a little dancing." Bob told him that he used to love to dance and that that would not be a problem. The lumberjack continued, "There might be a little drinking." Bob knew how to hold his liquor, so again, he said it was fine. The lumberjack turned to leave.

"Wait," Bob said, "What time should I be there?" The lumberjack paused for a second, then said.

"It doesn't really matter, it's just gonna be the two of us."

Answer 4

Two blonde jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road.

The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police.

A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says.

The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"

The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Answer 5

A man is going on a business trip to New Orleans and has to take his wife. So
they catch the plane there. And as soon as they arrive the man gets called back,
and to be nice to his wife he tells her to stay and enjoy her vacation. So the
day before the man is scheduled to leave him starts thinking what if she cheats
on me out of boredom, so he decides to go to the sex shop and bye her toy. When
he arrives he asks the manager if he has anything really special. So the manager
tells him that he does have a really old dildo with magical powers, and the man
replies yeah right. So the manager says voodoo dick the door and the dildo gets
up and flees at the door and starts pecking at it, then the manager says voodoo
dick box and the dildo flies back into its box. The man instantly replies I’ll
take it, but the manager replies it is not for sale, but u can rent it. So the
man takes it to his wife and tells her the story, but she doesn't believe him
either, so the man replies voodoo dick the water melon. The dildo goes flying
into the water melon. The wife is so happy about her present she makes
passionate love to her husband. The next day the husband leaves. After a few
days the wife starts getting board and decides to use her present. So she says
voodoo dick my pussy, so the dildo does what it is told and goes into her
vagina. After a while the woman realizes she doesn't know how to turn it off. So
she gets in her car and heads for the hospital, on the way she is having so many
orgasms that she is swerving all over the road. after a while she gets pulled
over by a cop, and the cop says why are u driving like a maniac, and the woman
replies well there is this voodoo dick, and it is giving me orgasms, and all of
a sudden the cop shouts VOODO DICK MY @$$!!!

Answer 6

memoirs of an uggly person:

The day I was born the doctor went into the waiting room and told my dad, "We did all we could, but it was born alive."
Mom didn't know whether to keep me or the placenta. because I was born a premature baby, I had to be put in a incubator.... with polarized windows. mom never breast-fed me b/c she said that she only wanted me for a friend. the picture my father carried in his wallet was of a little boy that came with it. It didn't take me long to realized that my parents hated me.....the toys they bought me to play with in the bath tub were a radio and a hair dryer. One time I got lost. A cop found me and I asked him if he thought we would find my parents. He said, "I don't know, there are million places they could have found to hide in." Once I was kidnapped,and my kidnappers sent one of my fingers to my parents asking for a reward. My mom told them she needed more proofs. I used to work at a pets store, and people were always asking how much I cost. One day the girl I liked asked me If I wanted to come to her house later 'cause there wouldn't be anyone there. When I got there, there was no one there. My psychiatrist told me one day that I was crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion, He said "Very well, Besides being crazy, You are extremelly uggly!" One day I was about to commit suicide by jumping from the top of a 20 story building. They sent a priest up to me to try and disuade me. All he said was "Ready, set..." My father's last wish was for me to sit on his lap..... He had been sentenced to the electric chair....

Answer 7

These are suppose to be from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."


"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

Answer 8

There was a plane with a old man, a kid with a backpack, a pilot, the world smartest man, and the world most beautiful women. The plane had 4 parachutes. The plane started to go down fast and everyone panicked. The pilot said "They need me and my piloting skills down there" and he grabbed a parachute and jumped. The women said "i am way to beautiful to die" so she grabbed a parachute and jumped. Than the smartest man said "They obviously need me and all of my intelligent down there" and he jumped.
The old man looked at the kid and said "little boy I am old and going to be gone soon anyway so you go, go and spread our youth to everyone take that last parachute." the boy smiled he said "Don't worry mister, that guy....who is obviously not as smart as he said took my backpack!"

Answer 9

contained in the rest room stall... (think of two guy in a rest room room the two sitting in a stall) i replaced right into somewhat sitting down as quickly as I heard a voice from different stall asserting "hi, how are you?" i'm no longer the variety to commence a verbal replace contained in the adult men's restroom yet i do no longer understand what have been given into me, so i responded, extremely embarrassed, "Doin' purely high quality!" and the different guy says: "So what are you as much as?" what style of question is that? at that factor, i'm thinking this is purely too extraordinary so i say: "Uhhhh, i'm such as you, purely vacationing!" At this factor i'm purely attempting to get out as rapid as i will as quickly as I pay attention yet another question: "am i able to come over?" ok, this question is purely too extraordinary for me yet I figured i'd desire to easily be well mannered and end the verbal replace, I tell him, "No................ i'm somewhat busy good now!!!" then i pay attention the guy say nervously..... "pay attention, i'm going to would desire to call you lower back, there is an fool in the different stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!!"

Answer 10

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"....

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Answer 11

Um OK A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."



A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''