Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

I know this guy...
His name is Ted...
He came from the Hospital...
With no broken bones...
y was he carried out?

2007-04-27 19:05:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-27 17:41:19 · 6 answers · asked by Lisa 4

Hey everyone! I decided to make riddles for everybody so they can earn some cool points! All you have to do is answer the following riddle correctly FIRST to get the best answer!

What needs to be broken, before being used?

This riddle is an easy one but it will progressively get harder and I will post up new riddles often.
Good Luck everyone!

2007-04-27 15:49:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Alright, now is your time to be hilarious how about one similar to these....

********two peanuts wwnt walking, and one was a-salted

********how do you mjake a tissue dance?..... blow a little boogie in it!!!!

********what do you call cheese that doesnt belong to you?... nacho cheese!!!

******** knock

********why didnt the teddy bear stay for dessert?... because he was stuffed!!!

********knock-knock!
-who's there?
interrupting cow!
-interrupti---------MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

haha i cant wait to hear all of your hilarious and creatively witty answers i will be ready to laugh feel free to give me more than one. I could use a good laugh right around now!!!!

2007-04-27 15:45:04 · 17 answers · asked by jordannnnn861 2

appropriate please!

2007-04-27 15:12:10 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Bella Ragazza♥ 2

The judge in a divorce court says to the husband "Mr. Johnson, the court is hereby awarding your wife $1500.00 a month in spousal support"

Mr Johnson replies "well thank you your honor. Tell you what, I'll try to send her a few bucks as well."

2007-04-27 13:37:31 · 5 answers · asked by tujunoho 1

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2007-04-27 12:57:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-27 12:55:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A quarter, you pervs.

2007-04-27 12:49:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

2007-04-27 12:41:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good luck. Get them all and get the points.

Out of these dates, which is the odd one out?
September 30th
January 31st
April 30th
July 30th
October 31st

Which is the odd one out?
Boundaries
Cancerous
Librarian
Scorpions
Chameleon
Keyboards

Which word does not belong and why?
PUTTER
GRIPE
SOUGHT
RUNNER
CLEAN
GHOST

Which of the following words does not belong with the others and why?

GOUT
KNOB
HOUR
PSALM
GNOME
EUCHRE

Which of the following words does not belong and why
NOMINATED
SOMETIMES
RATED
GUMDROP
RADICAL

I just wanted to share what I thought was fun. Again, good luck everyone

2007-04-27 12:39:55 · 10 answers · asked by mickeymouseroyalty 2

Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during there lunch break.

Kathy asks, "So, Suzy how's your sex life these days?"

Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

2007-04-27 11:43:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was
relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom
and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest,
would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some
aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got
dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist,
"aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?

2007-04-27 11:42:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

so theres a bus driver looking at the beutiful farm scenery infront of him while driving a bus full of political people. they get in a huge crash. the cops later ask a local farmer if they were really dead and he said " well... when i was tryin to burry them, they kept sayin day was alive... but you know how polotitions lie.

2007-04-27 11:42:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell me your opinion,You probably already heard this one but do you think its funny.



Brunettes are chanting the number 97,97,97,97,97,97 and a blonde is walking by and wondering what there doing so she comes up to them and asks them and they just tell her'oh we are justing chanting numbers.' So the blonde seems to think its fun so she asks to join and they let her. They told her to go to the middle od the rode and chant the number so she did. She started chantng 97,97,97,97 9...... and a car ran over her so the brunettes started chanting 98,98,98,98.



Lol its pretty funny but not funny enought to make you laugh,what do you think.

2007-04-27 11:38:29 · 22 answers · asked by believe.dance.inspire ; 4

Every night I take him out for a Drag

.

2007-04-27 11:31:23 · 15 answers · asked by jabelite 3

having a vagina tuck. After the op she gets 3 bunches of flowers. 1 from the doctor, 1 from her hubby and 1 from eric in the burns unit to say thanks for hes new ears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-27 11:12:08 · 16 answers · asked by pinkypants! 1

due to drinking.”
“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober!”

2007-04-27 10:51:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

"WHY", YOU ASK?
Well ...
1. MONICA IS A 'HOOKER'.
2. O. J. IS A 'SLICER'.
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND...
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.

2007-04-27 10:50:38 · 6 answers · asked by bernman101 6

2007-04-27 10:43:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

American,japenese n irishman. They hear beeping.The american touches hes arm n says"thats my pager,i have a microchip undr my skin" next a phone rings n japenese man lifts palm 2hes ear n says"i have microchip in my hand" irishman feelin very low tech goes 2toilet n comes back with toilet paper hanging from hes ****.He says"oh jaysus, would you look at that...im gettin a fax!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

2007-04-27 10:42:16 · 25 answers · asked by pinkypants! 1

but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

2007-04-27 10:38:48 · 3 answers · asked by Masoud   2

Bill and jack were in the pub having a few drinks and Bill said that as it was 10.30 he would have to go home.Jack tried to persuade him to stay.
Bill." I can't the wife goes ape-sh1t if I'm late home."
Jack" Why don't you do what I do, never fails."
Bill "What's that?"
Jack "Well, when you get home, she'll be in bed, sulking, right?
Take off your shoes, tiptoe up the stairs,don't put the light on,
slide under the bedsheets, sidle up between her legs and give her a nice long muff dive. She will be so ecstatic she will forget she was angry at you...works for me."
Bill decided to stay for a few more pints and try Jack's idea.
Later on he entered the house , quietly, tip-toed up the stairsand gave his wife a long slow session of cunnilingus.When he'd finished he slipped out of the bed and tip-toed to the bathroom to wash his face.
when he arrived he saw his wife sitting on the toilet.
He shouted...Whhaaat? er Hhhow the hell??
His wife said "Shhhhhh.you'll wake your mother.!

2007-04-27 10:38:24 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."
The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."
The man tries it, and is cured.
Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every
night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"
The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."
Two weeks later the man with the over sex problem goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"
"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd take a couple of them off your hands."
"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your
service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York."

2007-04-27 10:38:19 · 5 answers · asked by bernman101 6

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught." =))

2007-04-27 10:29:03 · 9 answers · asked by Masoud   2

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.

After having met you...
I've changed my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Birthday,
Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been friends for a very long time...
let's say we stop?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

2007-04-27 10:28:15 · 15 answers · asked by bernman101 6

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

2007-04-27 10:26:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards...
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us! Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

2007-04-27 10:10:54 · 17 answers · asked by bernman101 6

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"


Star if you like it

2007-04-27 10:10:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The hot dogs taste like sh!t.

2007-04-27 10:02:31 · 4 answers · asked by Tazz 5