Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Has anyone else figured out that you can use a lower case v
to make a down arrow, as oppposed to ^ or <>?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

I have!

And if you have, then youre
v
v
v
v
soooo
v
v
v
v
v
v
smart!

2007-04-27 06:56:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

while you were in a restaurant?
Anywhere in it... the dining hall, the kitchen, the rest room... anywhere
the most funny and witty answer gets 10 pts!

2007-04-27 06:50:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 add 1 is?
2 add 2 is?
4 add 4 is?
8 add 8 is?
wat was the last question i asked u

2007-04-27 06:47:35 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is not a language problem , its cryptic. And the answer is apart of the body

2007-04-27 06:23:33 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses
(taste) of first graders using a bowl of
lifesavers.

The children began to say:

Red..............Cherry
Yellow...........Lemon
Green...........Lime
Orange.........Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY
lifesavers.

After eating them, none of the children could
identify the taste.

"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your
father."















One little girl looked up in horror, spit her
lifesaver out and yelled,
"Oh, my God, they're *** holes!

2007-04-27 05:57:55 · 8 answers · asked by Roxy 3

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.


One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
All ofasudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the
young lady partedher legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman
started screaming 'Oh mygod, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!'.
The husband immediatelytook her to the local doctor and explained
the situation. The doctor thoughtfor a moment and said 'Hmm, tricky
situation.But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would
permit'. Thehusband being very concerned agreed that the doctor
could use whatevermethod to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said 'OK,what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the
top of my penis and insert itinto your wife's vagina.When I feel
the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shallwithdraw it
and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife'svagina.'the
husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said 'Yes,
yes,whatever, just get on with it.' So the doctor, after covering
the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's
vagina. Aftera few gentle strokes, the doctor said, 'I don't think
the bee has noticedthe honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper'.
So the doctor wentdeeper and deeper. After a while the doctor
began shafting the younglady very hard indeed.The young lady began
to quiver with excitement, she began to moan andgroan aloud, 'Oh
doctor, doctor!' she shouted. The doctor,concentrating very hard,
looked like he was enjoying himself, he thenput his hands on the
young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.The husband,
at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. 'Nowwait
a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!' he blasted.The
doctor, still concentrating, replied 'Change of plan, I'm gonnadrown
the bastard

2007-04-27 05:51:26 · 16 answers · asked by sxy_hrny247 2

was running saying - "ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do." Answer - it was a black man running for the
elevator ) saying "hold the door......."

2007-04-27 05:38:26 · 16 answers · asked by judy f 3

A bloke walked into a pub and said the drinks are on me,my wifes just run away with my best friend.Well thats a shame says the landlord,how come you arent sad?Sad said the bloke theyve saved me a fortune.They were both pregnant

2007-04-27 05:32:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

2007-04-27 05:23:47 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ly 3

How far can a dog run into the woods?

2007-04-27 05:16:05 · 18 answers · asked by Todd B 4

It says "Run Hillary, run!"
Democrats put it on the back of their cars and Republicans put it on the front.

2007-04-27 03:55:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

2007-04-27 03:21:49 · 18 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

First answer that is correct (or funny) gets 10 pts.

2007-04-27 02:54:43 · 44 answers · asked by Tha "Bay Be" 3

There were three Cia agents, two men and a women that had almost passed there tests and training, they just had one test left

In each room there was there wives and husband, They gave the first agent the gun and told him "go in to that room and kill your wife for america", " I can't kill my wife who do you think i am"

"you know what your not what were looking for, take your wife and go home"

He did the same to the other agent, he walked into the room silence for a few minutes, then he comes out tears in his eyes "i can't do it she looks so beutiful i just can't"

"you know what your not what were looking for, take your wife and go home"

Then he goes up to the women hands her the gun and tells her go in to the room and kill your husband for America"

She walks into the room shots can be heard one after the other, then screams and bangs and alot of noise, she walks

"The gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat him with the chair instead"

Star if you like

2007-04-27 01:35:16 · 19 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

One night, the 96 - yr old runs a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. Then she yells to the other sisters, "was i getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 yr old yells back, "i'll come up and see." She starts walking up the stairs and pauses. " was i going up the stairs or down?" she shouts. The 92 yr old is sitting @ the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, " I sure hope i never get that forgetful - knock on wood" she then yells, "i'll come up and help both of you as soon as i've seen who's at the door."

2007-04-27 00:43:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me £5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me £25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

2007-04-27 00:17:24 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats the difference between a peeping tom,and someone who just got out of the shower

Answer:ones rude and nosy,the others nude and posy

2007-04-26 23:08:14 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A: Ruth-less.

Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A: Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson; he brought the house down.

2007-04-26 21:03:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-26 19:23:28 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

HAHAHA NASTY JOKE.....
kay so a guy is
near the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.




One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.






The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.







Lettuce!!!























Tomato!!!























Lettuce!!!
























Tomato!!!
























Lettuce!!!





















Tomato!!!






















She screams.



















Lettuce!!!




























Tomato!!!





Whoa!!!








PULL IT OUT!!!














PULL IT OUT NOW!!!











I can't get pregnant!












Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

2007-04-26 17:46:32 · 7 answers · asked by Drew 2

GUESS WHAT I LIKE PIE!!!! MUHAHAHA I'M AN EVIL GENNIUS!!!!! WEEEEEEEE!!! *cough cough* ;)

2007-04-26 17:01:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your going through the desert in a boat with 4 flat tires.How many pancakes does it take to hold up a house?
The answer is: Blue because icecream has no bones

I don't get it how do you get that answer?

2007-04-26 16:58:44 · 16 answers · asked by Bri ♥'s Bryce :] 2

2007-04-26 16:27:28 · 16 answers · asked by tater* 2

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

2007-04-26 16:14:21 · 22 answers · asked by Paper.Milk 3

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-04-26 15:36:55 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
Stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
Quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
A question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer
Excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
Produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
Discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

2007-04-26 15:32:32 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

theres this kid that gets on my nerves and we usually talk trash to eachother, and he has pretty bad acne, so what would be some good insults for him

2007-04-26 15:23:21 · 10 answers · asked by Bob Chaves 2

A junkie asks his grandma:
-"Granny have you seen my blue pills?"
-"Forget about the pills! Have you seen the blue dragons in the kitchen?!"


An American, a Russian and a Macedonian were sent in a mission in space.
The American brings with him 10 girls.
The Russian 10 bottles of vodka.
The Macedonian 10 packs of cigarettes.
3 months later they come back to Earth and get out of the space shuttle...
The American comes out with the 10 girls, smiling...
The Russian comes out with an empty bottle of vodka in his hand, also smiling...
The Macedonian comes out with a cigarette in his hand, saying:
-"Does anyone have a lighter?!"

In a prison, the preacher giving a convict (convicted to die by an electric chair) his last rights asks him what is his last wish.
-"Please hold my hand."says the convict.

2007-04-26 15:00:49 · 15 answers · asked by ? 3

I'm not Racist but, What do you call a little Mexican?

2007-04-26 14:57:12 · 3 answers · asked by samy 2

K so this alien(foriegn person) comes over from Europe or somewhere and want to learn english so he rent a car and goes to and Opera.

when he gets there the opera lady is singing "ME ME ME ME ME" and so he remebers those words then its lunch time and he goes to a resteraunt.

when he gets there every one is hungry and the chef is late and every one is yell "FORK AND KNIFE" so he remebers these wordsamd then goes to a movie.

he gets there a little early and sees the comertial about the glade plug ins and learns the words "PLUG IT IN PLUG IT IN".

when he gets home there is a comotion outside his apartment and a cop walks up and tells him a girl had been kill on his block and the cop asked if he knew who killed her and he said the first thing that came to mind "ME ME ME ME ME" then the cop asked how he said "FORK AND KNIFE" then the cop took him downtown and they were going to give him the electirc chair and asked if he had any last words he said "PLUG IT IN PLUG IT IN".

2007-04-26 14:54:59 · 23 answers · asked by howdy_yall-cowboy_Jim 1