Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

2007-04-25 08:51:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-25 08:51:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-25 08:50:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.

I don't Skinny Dip; I Chunky Dunk!

Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list?

I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.

I am not 40 -something; I am $39.95 plus Shipping & Handling

I don't have hot flashes; I have short private vacations in the tropics.

If it's not one thing, it's your mother!

2007-04-25 08:50:02 · 3 answers · asked by happy_southernlady 6

2007-04-25 08:35:33 · 5 answers · asked by alfred p 1

my answer : because he wanted to! gosh people! get off the poor chickens back! and this joke is so old, we all know that, that chicken is long dead of old age!

2007-04-25 08:30:06 · 23 answers · asked by mackenzie d 1

why did the blonde cross the road



he wanted turkey

2007-04-25 08:16:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want it caught and shot now.'"

;-)

2007-04-25 08:12:23 · 23 answers · asked by BLING 4

2007-04-25 08:10:21 · 5 answers · asked by reefboi 3

2007-04-25 08:06:29 · 14 answers · asked by wikioglepedian 1

Mrs Davidson and Mrs Murphy had been neighbors for years, but everytime that got together, it would end in a fight

Mrs Murphy went to the Drs. they asked her for a urine sample.
Mrs Murphy finally brought the bottle home cause she didn't know what to do.

Mr Murphy did know what to do either and said Ask Mrs Davidson.

The next night Mr Murphy noticed his wife had a black eyes and a torn shirt he said "ok what happened"

She said " I asked Mrs Davidson what should I do for a urine test?"

"She said P-ss in the bottle, I said sh-t in your hat and the fight was one"

:-)

An old irish joke

_

2007-04-25 08:02:07 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Warning"...Bad Virus!


If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes", delete it immediately!
Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone's autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
LIFE IS UNCERTAIN; EAT YOUR DESSERT FIRST!

2007-04-25 08:01:41 · 14 answers · asked by ? 3

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The
doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for
"medium", $14,000 for "large".

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor
urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any
decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

2007-04-25 07:44:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette drive into a lumberyard. The blonde gets out of her truck, walks up to a worker, and asks for some four-by-twos.

"You mean two-by-fours?" the worker asks.

The blonde says, "I’ll go check." She walks back to the truck, asks the brunette, and returns a minute later. "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?" asks the worker.

The blonde pauses for a minute and says, "Hold on, I’d better go check."

After a moment, the blonde returns to the worker and says, "A long time. We’re gonna build a house."

2007-04-25 07:43:41 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

I mean a really innovative question..I dont mean a really tough riddle, or good joke.
For example the first time this question was asked, it was really innovative:
"lets report this individual for making racist slurs, and condoning drug abuse"
http://answers.yahoo.com/my/my;_ylt=AvTWna6LSTaNx_UiXaYr0gsjzKIX

Provide a link to the question if you can locate it.

2007-04-25 07:38:05 · 5 answers · asked by DichloroDiphenyl 5

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.


Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to.

Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy

of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when.......


Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

2007-04-25 07:30:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ham, eggs and potato's walk into a bar, bartender tells them "I am sorry but we do not serve breakfast in here."

2007-04-25 06:32:47 · 23 answers · asked by I see dumb people 5

i'm not having a good day :(

2007-04-25 06:03:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man who was in his mid-forties just bought a brand new sports car, he was speeding along the highway, when in his rear-veiw mirror he saw sirens flashing.
The man thought to himself, 'Hmm, I should really test this car out' so he sped even faster down the highway.
With the cop car still pursuing him he thought 'This is ridculous, what am I doing?' So he decided to pull over.
The cop got out of his car, furious and said to the man, 'Right mate, it's Anzac Day, and I've nearly finished my shift, if you give me a bloody good reason why you were speeding, I'll let you go.'
The man thought for a moment then said, 'Just last week my wife left me for a police officer, I thought you were giving her back.'
The cop said, 'Alright mate off ya go.' And got back into his car and drove off.

2007-04-25 05:42:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i love him alot

2007-04-25 05:05:57 · 20 answers · asked by loc a 1

#1 A rolling stone gathers...
#2 Jack of all trades...
#3 Nothing is certain but...
#4 Still waters...
#5 Variety is the...
#6 When the cat's away, the mice...
#7 The devil is in the...
#8 Don't put all your eggs in...
#9 It takes two to...
#10 Great minds...

2007-04-25 04:22:06 · 25 answers · asked by Lilel 4

1) Adam had none. Eve had two. Everyone nowadays has three.
2) Which word pronounced wrong is right but pronounced right is wrong?
3) You are running in a street marathon, you overtake the person in second place, what position are you now?
~And the next series all have the same question. I don't understand what "represented" is meaning.
4) What is represented by the following? ecabt
5) h i j k l m n o
6) DEEF
9)
GEG
GEG
EGG
11) CLOUD
TH (th off to the left)
~Oh, one last one
12) In the olden days, a man rode into town on his horse. He arrived on Monday, spent six days in townd and left of Friday. How is this possible? (typed exactly-typos and all don't know if they mean anything)
If anyone know any of these it would really help. Like I said it's driving me crazy not knowing the answers.
thanks

2007-04-25 02:42:51 · 9 answers · asked by jmb 1

“You don't know Jack Schitt!”
Well read on:

Jack Schitt is the only son of Big and Inda Schitt. Big Schitt passed away recently.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. They have seven children: first born Chuck, twin sons, Depe and Dip, three daughters, Ima, Lotta and Giva, then finally another son, Bo.
Chuck Schitt married Pisa Lewis. Pisa Schitt recently gave birth to baby Dougie Schitt.
Depe Schitt married Fayre Preston. Fayre Schitt is currently pregnant.
Dip Schitt is married to Eta Mink. The couple have separated since Eta Schitt had an affair with Dip’s best friend, Nobby Rash.
Ima Schitt married Joe Faced. Ima Schitt-Faced recently gave birth. Baby Firkin Schitt-Faced is said to be healthy.
Lotta Schitt married Bob Happens. The Schitt-Happens’ have a son called Hay.
Giva Schitt is married to Ted Fobrainz. The Schitt-Fobrainz’s are childless.
Bo Schitt is currently single.

So there you go. Next time someone says you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

2007-04-25 02:25:16 · 13 answers · asked by This is my username 3

you need a HEART to love him.
a DIAMOND to marry him.
a CLUB to beat him over the head.
and a SPADE to bury the b@5t@rd.



sorry in advance if this causes offence lmfao.!!!
have a nice day!!!

2007-04-25 00:28:28 · 35 answers · asked by Kelly 5

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

have a nice day everyone.xx
He yelled back, 'University of Cape Town'
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The wife replies, 'I'll miss you...'

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

2007-04-25 00:21:48 · 21 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed... "Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed. The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!"

2007-04-24 23:47:06 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think you still wear diapers.

2007-04-24 22:58:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a dirty crook

2007-04-24 21:36:19 · 11 answers · asked by cathy c 1

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

2007-04-24 21:31:23 · 34 answers · asked by ? 4

An octopus walks into a bar and says 'I can play ANY musical instrument you like'. Englishman gives him a guitar which he plays better than Hendrix. Irishman gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton . Scotsman throws him a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says 'Whats wrong - can ye no play it?'. The octopus says 'Play it ? -I'm gonna f**k her brains out once I get her pyjamas off !'

2007-04-24 20:21:33 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous