Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

I was in the record store awhile back with my brother and his girlfriend. He and I started to look at a rack of calendars, and we came across one of Anna Kournikova. We were admiring one particular picture displaying her backside, when my brothers girlfriend came up to us to see what we were looking at. He quietly walked away, and shaking her head she says to me "I don't know why he (my brother) likes her so much. I think I've got a better butt than her." WIthout skipping a beat, I said "Well I guess some guys prefer quality over quantity...."
..... I had a bruise for over a week.

Star if you liked my (true) story

2007-04-24 06:06:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

2007-04-24 05:29:04 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

A leper walks in to a bar and sits down,the barman takes one look at him and throws up all over his self.

The leper looking upset says"oh come on man i know i'm not exactly handsome but i do have feelings."

The barman still wiping sick off with his sleeve says"man i am so sorry it's not you that made me sick,but the guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his dorito's in you'r neck."

lol that must deserve a star.

2007-04-24 04:49:58 · 38 answers · asked by thewokinn 1

They say my name goes on forever. I move so fast. My parent must have been foreign. I only work with expensive things. What am I?

2007-04-24 04:39:41 · 13 answers · asked by lovingmeyet 2

it says

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper

2007-04-24 03:46:42 · 14 answers · asked by bernman101 6

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office.
This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!! !!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"

2007-04-24 03:27:51 · 43 answers · asked by bernman101 6

1. You place them against a police-car and spray them with deteregent.

2. You scare them and say BOOOOUUUU!

2007-04-24 03:24:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hilary and her driver were going through the countryside when thry hit a cow. Her driver went in while Hilary sat in her car doing her political stuff. He was in there 1 hour before he came out. He got back out and Hilary was a little mad.
"Why were you in there so long?!" She asked.
"I dunno. I just told them something then they were giving me cigars and champagne and kissin' me." He replied.
"What did you tell them?"
"I'm Hilary Clinton's driver and the old cow's dead."

2007-04-24 03:08:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is this good looking muscular polish guy on the beach lifting weights he looks over and he sees this guy lifting weights who is also good looking and muscular but is surround by a bunch of hot women.
So at the end of the day the polish guy walks over to the other guy and says hey what gives how do you get all of those hot ladies we both look almost the same we both are good looking and both are muscular
So the guys says tomorrow wear a pair of speedos and put a potato in there.
So the next day the polish guy goes back to the beach he starts lifting weights when all of the sudden all of the women start running yelling and screaming.
The polish guy confused goes to the other guy and says hey man i did what you said and now its worse the ladies are running yelling and screaming.
So the other guy says tomorrow try putting the potato in front of your pants not the back.

2007-04-24 02:38:21 · 3 answers · asked by carolyn 3

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfreind buying flowers.

The brunette sighs and says, "Oh s**t, my boyfreind is buying me flowers again...... for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "Whats the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure...but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

2007-04-24 02:13:03 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

2007-04-24 01:42:20 · 19 answers · asked by ? 4

when my sister was 6 years old she went and asked our mom
Mom what would you do if you knew that you were going to die?
Mom says oh i would hug you,kiss you, tell you how much i love you.
My sister says mom you know what i would do?
mom says you would hug me,kiss me,tell me how much you love me.

sister says no I would run out to the store and buy you a pack of lifesavers.

2007-04-24 01:14:15 · 8 answers · asked by carolyn 3

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

2007-04-24 01:11:48 · 19 answers · asked by moedrinks247365 2

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

2007-04-24 00:12:48 · 14 answers · asked by ? 4

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.



He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"



She turns to him and says, "You've got to make l*ve to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have s*x.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"


She says "The egg timer's broken!"

2007-04-24 00:11:17 · 8 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4

2007-04-23 19:20:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1123221
2112132211
12211211122221
11222112314211
213221121311141221
whats the next set of numbers?
ill post the answer soon

2007-04-23 19:08:07 · 7 answers · asked by s i 1

Joan was watching the local news and turned to her husband, who was involved in a crossword puzzle.
"Darling," she said, "did you hear that? A Liverpool supporter swapped his wife for a season ticket. Would you ever do a thing like that?"
"Hell, no," he replied. "The season's nearly finished."

2007-04-23 18:03:40 · 11 answers · asked by faithless 2

2007-04-23 17:12:53 · 10 answers · asked by prairiegurrl 5

2007-04-23 16:29:15 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

what would you do if my friend made a sceem about her getting little bananas and shooting you with them, then put on banana gloss then say, haha i got you again, then carve your name in a tree.

2007-04-23 15:13:52 · 13 answers · asked by Natalia 2

A plane was taking off from Heathrow Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight No. 494 nonstop from London to New York. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax and ... OH MY GOD!!!" Silence followed but after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!" A passenger in Economy yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Little Puzzle:
If the tail of a dog was called a leg, how many legs would a dog have? (Don't forget to tell me your reasoning)

2007-04-23 14:37:48 · 14 answers · asked by Dolores & the prune 7

An old man wanted to leave all of his money to one of his three sons, but he didn't know which one he should give it to. He gave each of them a few coins and told them to buy something that would be able to fill their living room. The first man bought straw, but there was not enough to fill the room. The second bought some sticks, but they still did not fill the room. The third man bought two things that filled the room, so he obtained his father's fortune. What were the two things that the man bought?

2007-04-23 14:11:40 · 15 answers · asked by chefc79 3

2007-04-23 14:11:29 · 5 answers · asked by Star 3

Ethel and Doris, both in their 80s, are returning from their visit to a shopping centre. They've been sitting on a bench for over half an hour waiting for their bus when Ethel turns to Doris and says, "You know, Doris, I've been sitting here so long, my bottom has fallen asleep." Doris turns to Ethel and says, "I know, I heard it snoring"

Now for the puzzle:
Which is better, eternal happiness or a cheese sandwich?
Give me your reasoning.

2007-04-23 14:08:19 · 21 answers · asked by Dolores & the prune 7

A phony sentence with a false staements.

2007-04-23 13:21:00 · 3 answers · asked by Alfie Martin 1

A little guy sitting in a bar?
when a big guy comes in and smacks him on the head and says "thats a karate chop from korea"

a few minutes later he hits little guy again and says "that a judo chop from japan"

getting a bit tired of it the little guy walks out and returns knocking the big thug out cold

the little guys says to the barman "when that bas***d wakes up, tell him that was a crow bar from halfords".

2007-04-23 13:00:14 · 8 answers · asked by dizzydi 4

She began to worry that there was something wrong with her, so decided to go & see the well-known Chinese s*x therapist, Dr. Chang.
In the examination room, Dr Chang told the lady
"Take off all your croze!" and she did as she was told
Then he said "OK. Now you muss craw reery fass to udderside of the loom!"
The woman did this & Dr Chang ordered
"Now you muss turn alound & craw reery, reery fass back to me!" As she did this, he shook his head & said
"Now I see why you not have date or s*x for such long time - I'm aflaid you have Ed Zachary disease"
The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God! That sounds terrible. Can you please explain to me what Ed Zachary disease is?"
Dr Chang sighed deeply & replied
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ar*e!"

2007-04-23 12:31:50 · 14 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

Two old men were sitting on the beach watching the bikini-clad girls walking by, running into the water and playing beach voleyball.
"Do you think all this exercise, keeps you fit?" asked one.
"I should say so," replied the other. "I walk two miles every day just to watch this."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny, returning from his first day at school said to his mother..."Mum, what's s*x?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
~~~~~~~~~~~

2007-04-23 12:25:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old man&his wife lived deep in the hills&seldom saw people.1day a peddler came to sell his goods&asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something."Well my wife ain't home,she's gone down to the creek to wash clothes but lemma see what you got." ,
Peddlar showed him pots&pans,tools&gadgets but the old man wasn't interested.Then the man spotted a mirror and said"What's that?"
Before the peddlar could tell him it was a mirror the old man picked it up&said,"My God how'd you get a picture of Pappy?" The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best water pitcher for it.The peddler left before the wife came back.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her pitcher so he hid it in the barn.He would go out to the barn 2or3 times a day to look at the"picture"&eventually the wife got suspicious.1day she got fed up&after he went to bed she went out to the barn.She saw the mirror,picked it up&said"so this is this is the hussy he's been foolin around with!"

2007-04-23 12:07:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous