Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven foot grizzly charging towards
him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder
he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping
frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came
out of the sky saying:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light.

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the
forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am
truly thankful, Amen."

2007-04-23 11:53:45 · 10 answers · asked by mozwart 2

What pennance is required?

2007-04-23 11:20:59 · 4 answers · asked by Scotty Doesnt Know 7

What extends from the sky to the ground. Eats everything and roars?

2007-04-23 10:33:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i dont get this joke. i feel stupid for not getting it, but i dont get it.
Two American tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over and said,"Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

2007-04-23 10:27:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-23 10:25:51 · 6 answers · asked by kasar777 3

2007-04-23 10:19:29 · 5 answers · asked by kasar777 3

Ok, so what did the egg say to the pot of water?



It's going to take you awhile to get me hard, cuz that chick just laid me!

2007-04-23 10:19:14 · 12 answers · asked by dave d 1

A man pushed a car past his house and smiled. Why did he smile? What type of car was it?

I know it (if your name is Jamie and you have a house in Phoenix do not answer)

Thank you

2007-04-23 10:12:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yeah I know a bunch, I'm just bored...... &hearts

2007-04-23 09:53:03 · 5 answers · asked by dazrazz 3

your grandmother?

2007-04-23 09:28:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

i love u!! first one to say "i love you" back to me gets best answer!!

2007-04-23 09:19:24 · 12 answers · asked by andrea w 2

I know its really old...... but guess anyway.

2007-04-23 09:15:07 · 16 answers · asked by hurler14 2

2007-04-23 09:09:37 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a farmer who wants exactly 8 gallons of water.He has a six gallon bucket and an 11 gallon bucket.He can't fill a bucket up partway by geussing, but he can fill a bucket up with water from another bucket(fill a six gallon bucket up an dump it into the 11 gallon one.How does he get 8 gallons?

2007-04-23 09:06:16 · 4 answers · asked by grungefan!!! 2

You know ones like........

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk!

Ha that's sooo funny. Anyway you get the picture!

2007-04-23 09:02:38 · 10 answers · asked by KittyKat 3

humdy' dumdy sat on awall humdy dumdy had a great fall '

2007-04-23 08:56:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm sat on the floor with my laptop cos I can't get up! He was going for a quick pint and thought I would be ok for an hour. Doh. I did a right 'giraffe - a -cow" and sailed through the air with the greatest of ease!

2007-04-23 08:54:28 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

2007-04-23 08:43:45 · 28 answers · asked by highland gathering 1

please tell me the funniest jokes u no. best joke gets chosen as best answer and gets top marks.

2007-04-23 08:40:48 · 17 answers · asked by king lou 2

She noticed the bride with her bridal gown and asked her mum "Mum, why is the bride dressed in all white?" her mum replied, "White is the color of happiness, today is the happiest day of her life". The daughter asked again "Mum, Why is the bridegroom dressed in all black?"

2007-04-23 08:15:03 · 10 answers · asked by Redeemed 5

LOL

2007-04-23 07:01:06 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

2007-04-23 06:55:59 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

i dont get it

2007-04-23 06:53:32 · 15 answers · asked by Isuck,Usuck,Weallsuck 3

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.

"Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Star this question if you think it's funny.

2007-04-23 05:55:32 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Take 60 seconds to do this ...silly or what!


1. go to www.Google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)

5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box) (hit get directions)

6. scroll down to step #24

2007-04-23 05:24:55 · 13 answers · asked by heckler 1

music & loud conversation & every once in awhile the lights would turn off.Each time the lights would go out,the place would erupt into cheers.However,when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent.She walked up to the bartender & asked,"May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied,"OK,but I should warn you that there is a statue of a man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,"said the nun.So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restroom.
After a few minutes,she came back out,& the whole place stopped long enough to give the nun a round of applause.She went to the bartender & said,"Sir,I don't understand.Why did they applaud me because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us,"said the bartender."Would you like a drink?" "But I still don't understand,"said the nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "everytime someone lifts the leaf the lights go out.Now,how about that drink?"

2007-04-23 05:18:23 · 11 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

2007-04-23 05:08:50 · 9 answers · asked by math 3

one day a boy went in to a shop of a shoe-seller.
he said: uncle what is the price of this pair of shoes?
seller: 90 rupees
then the boy point his hand towards the lace of the same shoe and says,"what is the price of this lace"
the seller replied ,"that is free"
the boy says," than i only want that lace."

2007-04-23 04:51:13 · 19 answers · asked by kathie 3

"One night, my friend and I were out driving around town on a back road that crossed over some train tracks. As we were approaching the tracks, we saw headlights from a car in front of us, so my friend slowed down a bit. We crossed the tracks and kept following the road, and suddenly the headlights completely disappeared! There was nowhere for the car to turn nowhere for the car to turn off, and we had clearly seen the lights -- we had no idea where it had gone. Later we found out that a man had died when his car was hit by a train on those same tracks 10 years ago. Now even during the day, I'm always leery about going anywhere near those tracks!"

2007-04-23 04:34:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old women meet one day on the street,
Margaret says to Fidelma, " Hello there Fidelma how are you, i haven't seen you in a while. Hows your Jimmy?"
Fidelma replies, "well Maggie, i'm afraid Jimmy died."
Fidelma offers her condolenses and asks how it happened,
Fidelma replies " Well you know how my Jimmy was a keen gardener, he was out in the garden pulling some carrots for the dinner, when he took a massive heart attack and keeled over.
Maggie exclaims " Oh thats terrible Fidelma, what did you do?"
Fidelma replies, well what could i do? Sure I opened a tin of peas instead!"

2007-04-23 04:05:36 · 21 answers · asked by green cat 2