Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

2007-04-24 12:53:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

funny bumber stickers!

2007-04-24 12:45:49 · 10 answers · asked by Me! 2

How did the Blonde try to kill the fish?

2007-04-24 12:37:34 · 10 answers · asked by Amelia Jane 1

How can you tell if a Blonde is having a bad day?

2007-04-24 12:34:03 · 8 answers · asked by Amelia Jane 1

because at 69 she blows a rod. Heard that today thought it was funny.

2007-04-24 12:31:31 · 5 answers · asked by robin b 5

On a transatlantic flight, a passenger plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worst when one of the wings is struck by lightning.

At this point one woman in particular totally loses it. She stands up at the front of the plane screaming, "I am too young to die." Then she yells, "If I am to die, I want my last and final minutes on this earth to be memorable. I have had plenty of men in my life, but none of them have ever really made me feel like a woman. Well, I've had it. So, is there anyone here who can?”

For the next few moments there is total silence. Everyone seems to have totally forgotten their own impending peril, as they all stare riveted at the poor desperate woman standing alone at the front of the plane.

Then an Mediterranean man stands up at the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a real woman,” he purrs.

He is gorgeous, tall, well built, has dark seductive eyes and long flowing hair.

Slowly and suggestively, he starts to walk up the aisle to where the woman is standing, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as this total stranger approaches her.

Slowly he removes his shirt; muscles ripple across his glistening chest.
As he reaches the woman who is now trembling uncontrollably, he extends his arm, which is holding the shirt and gently whispers in a soft voice...

"Iron this"

2007-04-24 12:12:49 · 36 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

2007-04-24 11:47:23 · 9 answers · asked by Bobby L 3

The inhabitants of a Canadian town speak either French or English or both. 73% speak French and 87% speak English. What percentage speaks both languages?

2007-04-24 11:29:58 · 7 answers · asked by User 6

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

2007-04-24 11:18:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the
driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

2007-04-24 11:12:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

"You've Got Mail"


A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"

2007-04-24 11:07:59 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3

Two peanuts were walking down the street, an one was a salted! :)

2007-04-24 11:06:21 · 7 answers · asked by Evelyn 1

A man walked into a pet shop and said, 'I'd like a puppy for my son.'
'Sorry sir,' said the store owner, 'we don't do part exchanges in here'.

2007-04-24 11:00:27 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong possiblity that the man had topped himself.

2007-04-24 10:57:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-24 10:39:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-24 10:36:05 · 4 answers · asked by Evelyn 1

2007-04-24 10:35:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

When she walked in and the gynaecologist saw her, all his reasoning went out the window.
He told the woman to undress and started to rub his hands up and down her thigh.

Do you know what I'm doing?" He asks.

"Yes your checking for abnormalities or abrasions. Arn't you?"

"Correct" the man replies readily.

He then starts to fondal her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Your checking for any lumps which might need to be looked at."

"Correct" he says though his growing smile.

He then proceeds to have sex with her. "And do you know what I'm doing here?"

"Yes, you're getting herpes."

;-)

2007-04-24 10:26:46 · 20 answers · asked by BLING 4

2007-04-24 08:36:44 · 4 answers · asked by cellogirl 2

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

2007-04-24 08:21:46 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Someone did!

2007-04-24 07:54:43 · 12 answers · asked by Ally O 3

1. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.



2. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut,
You will always choose the right one.



3. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
Communications system of any invading alien society.



4. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
Involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one
by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked
out their predecessors.


5. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.



6. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.



7. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.



8. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.



9. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.



10. Once applied, lipstick will never rub-off - even while scuba
diving.




11. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.


12. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.



13. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating,
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.


14. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.



15. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.



16. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.



17. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.



18. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.



19. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet
will know all the steps.

2007-04-24 07:42:12 · 14 answers · asked by ♥ 3

I need some redneck jokes please. I want to share the clean ones with my kids tonight. But send all, I'll chose the ones they can hear. Thanks to everyone who contributes.

2007-04-24 07:41:33 · 12 answers · asked by karens lovinlife 6

Boudreaux finally gets married and after the reception the falmily send the young couple off on the Honeymoon.

2 hours later Boudreaux shows back up at his daddys house madder than H#*.

His daddy ask him "Son, Why iz you back home? Yous should be at you alls honeymoon."

Boudreaux replied. " Well daddy, when I got to the camp ground and got into bed with my bride, I found out she waz a virgin!!!!! Well I thought to my self.........

If she aint good enough for her family she damn sure aint good enough for mine!

2007-04-24 07:39:45 · 7 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

I used to be schizophrenic, but we'all right now.

I could'nt care less apathy.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Laughing stock~cattle witha sence of humor?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Borrow money from a pessimist~they din't expect it back.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do bankruptcy lawers expect to be paid.

Dosen't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.


Go on laugh, you know you want to.

2007-04-24 07:36:11 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you know when a politician is lying?
When there lips start moving

2007-04-24 07:34:43 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?

I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.

**********

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano but you cant tuna fish.

**********

What is a slug?

A snail with a housing problem.

**********

How does a dog stop a video recorder?

He presses the paws button.

**********

"Eat up your spinach, it'll put colour in your cheeks."

"But I don't want green cheeks."

**********

"Dad, there is a man at the door collecting for the new swimming pool."

"Give him a glass of water."

**********

What goes Ho-Ho-Swoosh, Ho-Ho-Swoosh?

Santa caught in a revolving door.

**********

What did Mrs Santa say when her husband asked her about the weather?

"Looks like rain, deer."

**********

Losing one parent is regarded as misfortune; losing two is carelessness.

**********

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. (Oscar Wilde)

2007-04-24 07:29:24 · 10 answers · asked by manadude2 4

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

2007-04-24 07:17:53 · 8 answers · asked by truckgirlnr 5

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".

"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 ! was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure

whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how
to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. . God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You work for the I.R.S...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Happy Tax time!

2007-04-24 06:35:35 · 28 answers · asked by graciegirl 5

a two legged duck?

2007-04-24 06:08:57 · 7 answers · asked by nevserve 3