Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

It wasnt a bacon tree it was a ham bush......sorry

2007-04-23 03:57:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter, Dorothy

2007-04-23 03:57:15 · 3 answers · asked by Masoud   2

they argue over who is to eat it so they suggest the one who has the best dream that night should have the pie. in the morrning the first tramp says my dream was about me winning the lottery and having servants and everything the second says i won the lottery married a beautifull woman , the third said i drempt the pie was rolling off so i got up and ate it!

2007-04-23 03:46:20 · 11 answers · asked by capa-de-monty 6

two tramps walking down the street one says to the other have you pooed yourself, no said the other," o" said the fist tramp a few more yards and the fisrt tramp says" core you stink are you shore you havent ,let me look "sure enough there was a pile of poo in his trousers " hought you said you hadnt done it " "o" said the other thought you meant to-day.

2007-04-23 03:41:37 · 9 answers · asked by capa-de-monty 6

One drives a Jeep and the other drives a truck. I've done saran-wrapping and chalked their windows, now I'm ready to try something creative. Any ideas? I don't want to hurt their cars or anything, just something that we can all laugh at.

2007-04-23 03:39:49 · 24 answers · asked by prankster07 2

A vicar skipped service one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The vicar stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain - with the bear in hot pursuit.

Finally the vicar crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both his legs. As the bear closed in, the vicar cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."

Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the vicar's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to eat.''

2007-04-23 03:36:30 · 15 answers · asked by This is my username 3

Little Johnny dressed as a pirate for Halloween and went out trick-or-treating. When he rang Mrs. Smith's doorbell, the woman handed him a lollipop and looked around with mock terror, "And tell me. Captain Johnny, where are your buccaneers?"

"Under my buckin' hat." the boy replied.

2007-04-23 03:04:29 · 20 answers · asked by This is my username 3

got another one. the korean shooter has been named Shu Ting Yanks

2007-04-23 02:39:44 · 21 answers · asked by Bloodthirsty Gizmo 1

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.
She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing .... ........ ....She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,
Which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins' .
I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,
Which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick '.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,
Which read: ' Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

And The case was dismissed... .....!!!

2007-04-23 02:34:03 · 10 answers · asked by Ash 2

there's no screwing involved it's just tongue and grove

2007-04-23 02:33:29 · 19 answers · asked by freddy 4

I had poted this question and nobody got them all right. So good luck everybody

I thought this was neat. Here are the directions.
You have to find the odd ones out in the groups of words. BUT WAIT! There's a catch. Each group of words has TWO words which do not belong. Can you find them both?

1. Dodge - Ford - Lincoln - Hoover

2. King - Earl - Knight - Bishop

3. Yellow - Green - Dead - Black

4. Lily - Jane - Tulip - Rose

2007-04-23 02:11:47 · 22 answers · asked by mickeymouseroyalty 2

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”



Can i get a star if you like it???

2007-04-23 01:12:16 · 13 answers · asked by Snake 4

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."


xx

2007-04-23 01:06:10 · 13 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

One Sunday afternoon, after the vicar has given a lengthy sermon on right and wrong, he says to the congregation, "And so, to conclude, doing good in the world will give you a place in heaven and doing bad may see you in hell. Stand up if you want to do good for others."

The entire congregation stand.

"Very good," beams the vicar, "now be seated if you wish a place in heaven."

Everybody sits except for a man at the back. The vicar recognises him as Paddy.
"Paddy, surely you wish to do good?"
"Yes Father," Paddy mumbles nervously.
"And you don't wish to go to hell?" continues the vicar.
"No Father," says Paddy.
"Then why didn't you sit down?"
"Well," says Paddy, "I felt bad that you were the only one standing."

2007-04-23 00:40:40 · 10 answers · asked by This is my username 3

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

2007-04-23 00:14:23 · 17 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

2007-04-22 23:16:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I love pranking people around the house. It's so fun! Got any good ones?

2007-04-22 20:22:00 · 10 answers · asked by olivia m 1

2007-04-22 20:07:09 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-22 20:01:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

She said there was no way a lettuce could be growing there and it was no doubt haemorrhoids more commonly known as piles. Dropped my trousers for inspection and she gasped and said ' my good god it is a lettuce and do you know what that's only the tip of the Iceberg! '

2007-04-22 19:53:49 · 14 answers · asked by Jonathan V 7

Husband says to wife "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear GOLD tonight" wife says "Why don't you wear SILVER and come 2nd for a change.......

2007-04-22 18:51:38 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've been pondering over this question for many years now. Someone please help

2007-04-22 17:33:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man walks into a bar and says oww...why???

2007-04-22 16:25:48 · 9 answers · asked by vannay 1

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."


(btw I didn't come up with this)

2007-04-22 15:48:13 · 9 answers · asked by deadmanwalking 4

So amy is driving sam n jen home from a party.its late n dark.Amys laughing n all of ur singin n having a great time.A little tipsy amys reflexes r a lil off.When a turtle is in the middle of the bridge amy doesnt see it hits it n runs right off into the river n u all die.the next day u guys are up in heaven at the bar n amy walks in holding hands w/ the UGLIEST guy in the entire world.when u ask what happened to make her end up w/ him she says "it was Gods way of punishing me for hitting a turtle."Everyone laughs histaricly.After a few drinks sam leaves on her little motor-scooter n ends up walking into the gym the next day with the 2nd ugliest guy in the entire world.When asked what happened Sam says "this is my punishment for hitting a turtle."After the workout, all of the girls go their seperate ways.The next morning Jen walks into the heavenly iHop with the HOTTEST guy in the world.when she is asked what happened the guy says it is MY punishment for hitting a turtle!!! HA HA HA

2007-04-22 15:33:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

try to think the answer as funny as possible.

2007-04-22 15:32:01 · 6 answers · asked by Darren 3

I saw a great one today:
Dyslexic Devil Worshippers Sell Their Souls to Santa.

2007-04-22 14:58:00 · 43 answers · asked by GallopingGrasshoppers 3

Ok, theres a mexican, an american, and a polish. they are all construction workers. during their lunch break, the mexican pulls out tacos, the american pulls out a hot dog, and the polish pulls out a polish sausage. then, the next day during lunch, the mexican pulls out enchiladas, the american pulls out a burger, and the polish brings out polish sausage. "Dammit!" says the polish" i had polish sausage yesterday! if my wife packs me sausage one more time, im going to jump off this building" The next day at work, the mexican takes out a burrito, the american pulls out some fries, and the polish again, has polish sausage. "I warned you!" he says, and jumps off the building. So the mexican and the american go to the polish guys house. "Why did you pack him sausage if he said he was gonna commit suicide if he had it one more time?!" said the mexican and the american. "What? i dont pack his lunch. he packs his own lunch"

2007-04-22 14:33:49 · 8 answers · asked by danny 4

They went to see "Closed For The Season".

2007-04-22 13:08:45 · 11 answers · asked by Commander 3

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It's the best I
could do from here."

2007-04-22 12:33:31 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous