Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Do fish get thirsty?

If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?

Why are they called apartments when they are units all together ?

What happens if you get scared 1/2 to death twice ?

2007-04-21 22:15:38 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-21 20:12:49 · 74 answers · asked by Shadow 3

2 people just pranked me so bad. and its not like a prank like fake lotto tickets or a camera water squirter, it was a well put together prank with a story line and everything. they planned it for like two days and i dont have that long to think of one because she's going to florida for a couple of days. what are some good pranks?

2007-04-21 17:46:24 · 17 answers · asked by RaphaelDeLaGhetto 2

2007-04-21 17:40:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

QUESTION: There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it?
































































ANSWER(Highlight space between asterisks): *Place the apple on one person's head.*

2007-04-21 16:50:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

burst open-inn walksbig peter -wild wiv fury"alrite alrite "--who did it-wat godamn varmit painted my horse blue?the huge figure of Jake the notorious gunfighter stands up"it was me and so wat?""well stammers pete-i was wondering if you dould giv it a second coat?" !! xx

2007-04-21 14:18:45 · 5 answers · asked by SUZANNE R 7

Yo mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole.

Yo' mama is so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention.

Yo' Mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she died.

Your mama is so fat, that she uses the refrigerator for her lunch box.

Your mama is so fat, a bus full of white kids drove by and she said, ''Stop that Twinkie!''

Yo' mama so poor, she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list!

Yo mama's so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.

Yo Mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought it was her phone number.

Yo mama's underwear is so crusty she put Betty Crocker out of business.

2007-04-21 13:58:55 · 11 answers · asked by Okie Dokie 2

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away."

The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."

2007-04-21 13:48:47 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde:"Excuse me, what's the time?"

Woman:"It's 11:25pm".

Blonde:(Cunfused look on face) you know, I've asked that question like 35 times today, and everytime I get a different answer.

Dont forget to star :)

2007-04-21 13:25:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

2007-04-21 13:21:57 · 26 answers · asked by Okie Dokie 2

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood, and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by...

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

2007-04-21 13:18:33 · 2 answers · asked by ohio_mike 2

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I’m too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He’s gorgeous! Tall, handsome, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:


"Iron this."

2007-04-21 12:57:13 · 25 answers · asked by dteacher1uk 5

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

2007-04-21 12:46:11 · 11 answers · asked by blackheart89 1

there are no street lights on the road and a black car with dark windows and no lights on is coming towards him how does the car miss hitting him

2007-04-21 11:56:32 · 14 answers · asked by i love louis 2

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting. After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to ****. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).

They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh ****," he thinks (and feels).

Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass The Gap.

"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.

They fall into The Gap. Fortunately, at The Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.

After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date(still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."

"What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)

Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car.

Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

****PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION.****

As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether. Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester.

He hasn't seen the girl since.

2007-04-21 11:51:53 · 39 answers · asked by Ewaj 3

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont
Their first night there, she undressed as he did and there she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied : "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences".

2007-04-21 11:32:46 · 14 answers · asked by OnTheProwl007 4

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND : (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own

2007-04-21 11:14:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O' Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you' ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O' Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'

' Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.' I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

2007-04-21 10:19:52 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

2007-04-21 10:17:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

swedes!! xx

2007-04-21 10:11:45 · 12 answers · asked by SUZANNE R 7

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

2007-04-21 10:01:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."

A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike… and the Coopers are screwing."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

2007-04-21 10:01:09 · 12 answers · asked by The Don C 1

A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man in a bar.
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..." blurts the old man.

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." claims the old man.

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." says the old man.

Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention. "But ye screw one goat..."

2007-04-21 09:59:16 · 4 answers · asked by The Don C 1

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.


Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker,
you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son
of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither
a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of
ash I have ever put my pecker in."

BrrrrRump-Bump!

2007-04-21 09:42:19 · 7 answers · asked by Hot Coco Puff 7

2007-04-21 09:17:51 · 6 answers · asked by SingingImp 6

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,” First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then." He sighed................ "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

2007-04-21 08:34:08 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass." After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

2007-04-21 07:32:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well, so that God can reach down, take them by the claws and pull them up
into heaven."
Next day when Dad got home from work, Johnny rushed over to him and
said,"Gee Dad, we nearly lost Mom today." "What do you mean?" queried his
father.
"Well, I heard noises upstairs so I rushed up to see what was happening.
There was Mom, lying on the bed with her legs pointing up while she was
yelling,' God, I'm coming.'
If it hadn't been for the gardener holding her down, we'd have lost her.

2007-04-21 07:13:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-21 05:23:40 · 14 answers · asked by jane 1

This also is a very old riddle.

2007-04-21 05:16:21 · 15 answers · asked by Richard 7