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Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

what do hillbillies do on halloween?
pump-kin!

What do hillbilies and cats have in commen?
They both lick thier paws!

I thought they were funny. Sorry if I offened any hillbillies. If anyone else has some good ones please share

2007-04-22 12:28:42 · 3 answers · asked by robin b 5

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market place looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man. "
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,
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"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!
YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET !!!!!!!

2007-04-22 11:48:26 · 18 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Ok let's say some one's name is, Ryan Johnson.



"Knock Knock"
"Who's There?"
"John."
"John Who?"
"John Smith."




"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Ya"

"Ya who?"

"dot com"

haha I like the last one.

2007-04-22 11:36:09 · 26 answers · asked by Tina 1

what are some things i can do at school that will anoy the teachers?

2007-04-22 11:25:49 · 43 answers · asked by ■ Jessie ■ 5

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

2007-04-22 11:04:30 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

an bets the butcher £50 he can't reach the meat on the top shelf.the butcher refuses coz he says the STEAKS are too high

2007-04-22 10:50:34 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

2007-04-22 10:37:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was d--k.

2007-04-22 10:35:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-04-22 10:27:07 · 18 answers · asked by blackheart89 1

I posted these and nobody got them all right. So Good luck.

There's a lady in the room. She has four cats. She puts cat one, two, three, and four all in a different corner. Cat one has two kittens, cat two has four kittens, cat three has six kittens, and cat four has eight kittens. How many feet are in the room?

A table tennis ball fell into a tight deep pipe. The pipe was only a bit wider then the ball, so you can not use your hand. How would you take it out with no damage?

A man was in his car, and he was shot in the head.The man had no gun on him, no one was inthe car with him all the cars windows, and doors were closed and locked. Not one window was hit by the bullet. How did the man get shot in the head?

My voice is tender, my waist is slender and I'm often invited to play. Yet wherever I go I must take my bow or else I have nothing to say. What am I?

Soldiers line up spaced with pride, Two long rows lined side by side. One sole unit can decide, If the rows will unite or divide. Tell me, tell me, scream it out. What's the thing I talk about?

2007-04-22 09:58:06 · 21 answers · asked by mickeymouseroyalty 2

The bar-man say's, 'what you avin cat breath? (local's giggle, no answer), what you avin cat breath?' (local's giggle, a long pause), then the tiger respond's, 'half a pound of chicken lip's, a leg of salmon, a pint of tooth paste and a packet of p*ss off please!!' the bar-man say's, 'o.k on the house, comin right up, but tell me tiger, what's the long pause for?', the tiger replies, 'to slap you in the face for sellin all these stupid f***in thing's!!!'

2007-04-22 08:49:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

found it here ...

http://www.poundingtechno.com/index.php?showtopic=13002

2007-04-22 08:36:08 · 1 answers · asked by gjmb1960 7

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally?How is your connection with God?"And the man says, "Oh me and God?We're tight.We have a real bond, he's good to me.Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves.

Is this true?"And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

2007-04-22 08:34:32 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

2007-04-22 08:31:46 · 27 answers · asked by Saskia O 2

Children in the back of the car cause accidents.

Accidents in the back of the car cause children.

2007-04-22 08:27:51 · 14 answers · asked by Saskia O 2

2007-04-22 08:24:59 · 40 answers · asked by George1008 1

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

2007-04-22 08:21:19 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im lost : (

2007-04-22 08:19:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok, mom and dad have four daughters. Each daughter has one brother. how many people are in the family?

10 points for the first person who answers it correctly.

2007-04-22 08:11:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

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it is not my brother but still it is a son of my father, who am i ?

2007-04-22 08:08:37 · 5 answers · asked by gjmb1960 7

A man went to the dr with a strawberry on his head.

The dr said 'I've got some cream for that!'

2007-04-22 08:00:17 · 33 answers · asked by Saskia O 2

that will make the guys at school stop thinking i'm too much of a goody good cuz i'm really not i'm just quiet when i'm at school

2007-04-22 07:59:18 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Miss B ♥ 2

i remember last year , on the penultimate day of school, me and my friend were looking around the school 4 props 4 our class play the following day,

we get to the multipurpose room and c a tray of cookies on the table, we can't help ourselves, we take one each. we leave and go and look 4 some props, come back and take some more cookies, this time, 2 each, and we kept doing that until there wasn't anything left. :)

when we went back 2 our class (empty handed) we go up 2 a friend and she smells our breathe and says" were u guys eating chocolate chip cookies????" we were speachless



so do u have a crazy/ wacky/ out of this world story? tell me about it! funniest one gets 10 points!!!

2007-04-22 07:39:33 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three brothers joined.But only together,shall they bring forth light,Find them or face failure !!!

2007-04-22 07:36:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A small East Texas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very
difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian
determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters
worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted
Standen, a Bubba part-time worker, who was responsible for cleaning
the animal's cages. Ted, like most Bubbas, had little sense, but
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The
administrator thought they might have a solution. Ted was approached
with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for
$500.00?

Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept
their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," Ted said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", Ted said, "you must never tell anyone about this"

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Ted said, "I want any offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

"And last of all," Ted stated, "you've got to give me another week
to come up with the $500.00."

2007-04-22 07:26:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hate you!! I am going to_____________????


the person that has the most and funniest will get *10* Points!!!

2007-04-22 06:11:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You ' re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They ' re going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you ' re cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don ' t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don ' t know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,
"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I ' m driving."

2007-04-22 01:25:36 · 24 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea
in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay!!!!!!!!!!"

2007-04-22 01:21:58 · 20 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

1

rules are simple: add 3 words to continue the story and repost it as the same title

One fine day

2007-04-21 22:28:28 · 13 answers · asked by caroline 5

fedest.com, questions and answers