Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

4; One to screw in the new bulb, and 3 to start a band and write songs about how much they miss the old one
I have no idea why I think this joke is so funny.

2007-04-29 15:00:21 · 11 answers · asked by decoratedemergency 4

2007-04-29 13:48:10 · 15 answers · asked by Riz 2

my evil sister keeps saying it and i dont know what it is. She keeps saying it smells like up dog.

2007-04-29 13:28:36 · 8 answers · asked by Bea 3

the teacher asks the kindergarden class after handing out fruity lifesavers

one child guesses" apple"
no says the teacher

one child says "cherry"
no once again

teacher says "i will give u a hint,
its what yer mom calls yer dad"
(honey)


"spit it out" lil johnny shouts "it is an asshole!"

2007-04-29 13:26:33 · 9 answers · asked by SweetieGoat 4

Little Johnny was ask to draw a picture on the board of his most exciting moment during the summer


Her got up and just made one big spot on the black board


The teacher said and whats that for

Johnny said " Thats a period, all hell broke loose at my house when my sister said she missed hers"

2007-04-29 13:19:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom The Toad
(Tune: Oh, Christmas Tree)
Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad
Why did you jump into the road?
Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad
Why did you jump into the road?
You were so big and green and fat
But now you’re small and red and flat.
Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad
Why did you jump into the road?
Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad
Why are you lying in the road?
Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad
Why are you lying in the road?
You did not see that car ahead
And you were flattened by the tread.
Oh Tom the Toad, Oh Tom the Toad
Why are you lying in the road?
Oh Sue the Skunk, Oh Sue the Skunk

2007-04-29 13:16:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What are the three fastest ways of
communication?

Three fastest means of communication in the world.
Tele-phone
Tele-vision
Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
(Tell her not to tell anyone)

2007-04-29 13:09:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

do they sell american eagle in any other countries besides the united states?

do u think this is funny?
i personally dont.
but my homegirl ♥s this joke .
state ur opinion .
dont be so harsh !

2007-04-29 12:58:37 · 11 answers · asked by =) 3

It was very late when Jack pulled up at the only hotel in town and asked for a room.
"I'm sorry, sir, all the rooms are taken, there's a country fair here tomorrow."

Horrified at the thought of having to travel further, he pleaded with the man for somewhere to stay.
"Well...," said the owner, "we do have a spare bed but it means you'll have to share a twin room with one of our local residents and he snores so badly you'll never get any sleep."
"Don't worry, I'll sort it," said Jack and off to the room he went.

Next morning, Jack came down to pay his bill, looking well rested.

"Everything alright, sir, you weren't disturbed too much?"

"Oh, no, not at all. Before I went to sleep, I went over to the other man who was still awake, gave him a kiss on the forehead and wished him, "Pleasant dreams darling." He stayed awake all night watching me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(p.s. JACK! you know who you are :)

2007-04-29 12:58:37 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

The president is receiving his daily briefing.It concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"OH DEAR GOD NO," Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion.




President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings.
Your speech is underneath

2007-04-29 12:51:42 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-29 12:39:53 · 25 answers · asked by sam 1

2007-04-29 12:35:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

2007-04-29 12:35:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of the season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a holy candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates. "Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells"

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

"What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked.

The man replied, "They're Carol's"

2007-04-29 12:33:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK this really dumb kid named let's sayyy.... Bleek goes to my school right? and well me and him argue so 1 day my teacher roasted on him and it was soo funny! 1st of all:


During basketball season he signed uP and made it.... to be a benchwarmer. So all the kids would tease him and things because he never got to play in the games and when he did, he sucked! So acouple of months later WAYYY after all the games we were haveing a conversation in geography with my teacher. Bleek has bad grades like F's so he told my teacher, "Mr. F if this school was a sport I would get straight A's" and Mr. F was like, "But you were the benchwarmer so doesn't that mean you would still get the same grades?"


Lol if it wasn't funny sorry, but it was 1 of those things that you had to be there for it to be really funny. Star if funny!

2007-04-29 12:24:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

2007-04-29 12:22:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly,
Peter, Peter, the something eater."

2007-04-29 12:12:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boudreaux was so hot he decided to have a swim. He was alone by the Bayou, so didn't worry about stripping naked.
After some minutes of getting cooled off, he swam for the grassy bank. As he came out of the water he saw two old ladies walk up by his clothes, and he panicked (Our Boudreaux is a modest man, you see; Marie made him that way)!
He grabbed an ol' bucket he saw laying in the grass, and held it in front of himself, and breathed a sigh of relief now that the bucket was hiding his privates.
The old ladies were watching him closely, and he felt awkward, and wanted to move along.
"Ladies", Boudreaux nodded his head politely as he spoke, moving towards his clothes.
"You know, I have a special gift", one of the ladies spoke up. "I can read minds".
"Mais, no, that's impossible"! said Boudreaux, eyeing his pants.
"Uh-huh", she said.
"You really know what I t'ink"?
"Yep",the old lady said, her friend giggling. "You think the bucket you're holding right now has a bottom in it".

2007-04-29 12:09:31 · 22 answers · asked by jfmm 7

(This was once asked by Looking4answers)


(This was also her second question ever!)

(Also...I LOVE LOOKING4ANSWERS!!!!)

2007-04-29 12:06:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

In case you don't know what a two bagger is, I'll tell ya. One bag on her head, and one on yours in case hers fall off. YUK, YUK, YUK!!

2007-04-29 12:00:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amish lady was going home form the super market in her horse and buggy when the town sherriff pulled her over.

She said, "Sir I didn't think that I was going that fast was I?"

The Sherriff replied," Well you could slow down just a little ma'am but I think that you need to have your husband adjust your other rein. It is situated around the horses privates. That is animal cruelty ma'am."

"Ok i will make sure that Joseph sees to it."

Later after supper, the woman and her husband are talking about how their days went.

"I had a very interesting talk with the sherriff today, Joseph."

"Yes, and what did he have to say?"

"He said that maybe I should slow down and something that I didn't catch about the emergency brake."

2007-04-29 11:58:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A down home country boy sees a sign in the restaurant.

It read: " Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail & Beer"

"Lord almighty!", he says to himself, "My three favorite things!"

2007-04-29 11:57:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here lies John, who passed away
While answering his email one day.



No friend, no child, no loving mate
Could keep poor John from working late.



With each new mail, he worked like hell
To click ”reply” instead of “del.”



A prompt response he’d always give
But somehow he forgot to live.

2007-04-29 11:55:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.

THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED.

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP.

GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST . .
"YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT . . .. THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD!"

2007-04-29 11:51:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marie had to have an abdominal exam and x-rays so Dr. Landry decided to give her sedation.
To find out if it was working yet, Dr. Landry asked her a number of questions. Marie was groggily answering them as she was asked.
To make sure she was ready for the proceedure to start, he asked her, "Marie, Dear, where is your worst pain right now"?
"Ah, My Boudreaux? He's in the Bayou"!

2007-04-29 11:36:08 · 6 answers · asked by jfmm 7

How embarrassed were you?

2007-04-29 11:26:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young blond was on vacation in the depts of louisiana. She wanted a pair of alligator shoes in the worst way. But refused to pay the high prices the vendors had to offer. After becoming very frustrtated with the " no haggle" attitude of one of the vendors, the blond shouted,"Maybe I'll go out and get my own alligator to get my own shoes at a reasonable price". The vendor said "by all means maybe you can catch a big alligator".
The blond then, loaded up a shot gun, and headed out to the swamps. Later in the day the vendor, driving home had seen she had killed a 9' gator, and a few others on the side of the road.The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blond kills another, flips it over onto its back, and screams, "THIS ONE DOESN'T WEAR ANY SHOES EITHER".

2007-04-29 11:25:30 · 9 answers · asked by Moose 6

As they were walking down the road, one Blonde said to the other, "Oh, look at that poor dog with one eye"!
The other Blonde covered one eye, and asked, "Where? Where"?

2007-04-29 11:23:19 · 7 answers · asked by jfmm 7

2attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.1sat in the window seat;the other sat in the middle seat.Just before take-off a physician got on & took the aisle seat next to the 2 attorneys.The physician kicked off his shoes,wiggled his toes & was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said "I think I'll get up & get a coke."No problem" said the physician "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe & spat in it.When he returned with the coke the other attorney said "That looks good I think I'll have one too."Again the physician olbigingly went to fetch it & while he was gone the other attorney picked up the other shoe & spat in it.The physician returned & they all sat back&enjoyed the flight.As the plane was landing the physician slipped his feet into his shoes&knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on? "This fighting between our professions?This hatred?This animosity?This spitting in shoes& pissing in cokes?"

2007-04-29 10:51:58 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A kilted scottsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whiskey at a local pub . He felt quite sleepy so decides to take a nap under a tree.As he slept 2 female tourist heard loud snoring & decided to investigate . While walking near the tree, they seen this scottsman sleeping " I've always wondered what they wore under those kilts" the one woman said. While the other was still holding up the kilt with a stick,, they decided to thank him for sharing, he wore nothing. because he shared this, the women decided to put a pretty blue ribbon, tied around the scottsmans endowment. A while later the scottsman woke to the call of nature.As he raised his kilt,& was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, " I dont know where ya been laddie, but its nice to see you won first prizzzzze ". if ya like this one give me some stars please. Thanks in advance

2007-04-29 10:47:22 · 14 answers · asked by Moose 6