Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

2007-04-30 02:28:40 · 7 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

David Beckham was asked to speak at Alan Balls funeral.
Victoria said "its only right, David is a dead Ball specialist"

2007-04-30 02:10:47 · 20 answers · asked by heckler 1

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them all a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exsist.

The FBI now goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten racoon. The racoon is yelling, "Okay, Okay!!! Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit!"

2007-04-30 01:59:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Reasons it's great to be a guy:

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

- Movie nudity is virtually always female.

- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

- You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

- When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

- All your orgasms are real.

- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

- Your last name stays put.

- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

- Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

- You don't have to shave below your neck.

- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

- If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

- You can write your name in the snow.

- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

- Flowers fix everything.

- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

- You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

- You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

- You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".

- The world is your urinal.

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

- One mood, all the time

- You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.

- You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

- You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

- Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

- You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.

- With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

- You don't mooch off others' desserts.

- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

- The remote control is yours and yours alone.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a littlegift.

- Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

- You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

- You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

- You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

- If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

- Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

- You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."

- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

Things that suck about being a guy:

- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

- Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

- You have to wear ties.

- You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

- "Women and children first."

2007-04-30 01:56:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she
replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my
bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

2007-04-30 01:55:02 · 9 answers · asked by AllyF 1

A warning to all Grandmas... be careful what you say... Little Stevie was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Stevie just said, "Oh, OK." and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! -- and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

2007-04-30 01:31:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

(p;s: a star. if u had a smile)

2007-04-30 01:29:56 · 28 answers · asked by Madrid10 2

A blonde into an electronics shop and asks the assistant "can i buy this tv please?" He says "no sorry, we dont serve blondes".

So she goes out, dyes her hair black and walks back into the shop and asks again "can i buy this tv please?" Again, the assisant says "no sorry, we dont serve blondes"

So the blonde walks out and then dyes her hair ginger. she walks back into the shop and, once again, asks "can i buy this tv please?" And again, the assistant replies with the same answer, "no sorry, we dont serve blondes"

Fed up, the blonde asks "how do u know im blonde?!?"

"Because thats a microwave..." the assistant answers.



Plz star if funny :)

2007-04-30 01:09:55 · 23 answers · asked by twit head 1

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "OH that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee honey that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh,honey, don't stop.
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."

2007-04-30 01:05:40 · 7 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

2007-04-30 01:03:27 · 10 answers · asked by Chocolate Strawberries. 4

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
other tired and discouraged men.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who
are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife
or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at
the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of
them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At
the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a
Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with
his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters
waitress and a Hollywood super model.

2007-04-30 00:58:54 · 9 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

2007-04-30 00:36:47 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

2007-04-30 00:33:27 · 16 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A bus stops, and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first; but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi!"







I'VE GOT £5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN.

2007-04-29 23:25:05 · 28 answers · asked by lost_rabbit 2

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously
gay
> flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served
> them food and drinks.
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
> announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that
> he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you
> could just put up your trays, that would be super."
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed rather
> exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
> "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I
> asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on
the
> ground."
>
> She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
> Princess. I take orders from no one."
> To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
>

2007-04-29 23:01:34 · 16 answers · asked by Cat burgler 5

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman, in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph. With her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver. Which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear. Which fell Into the coffee between my legs, it splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!

Life comes at your too fast.
Have fun, dance naked!

2007-04-29 23:00:04 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Reporter to Winston Churchill: "You are drunk"
Winston Churchill to reporter: "Yes Madame I am, and you are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober!"

2007-04-29 21:31:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-29 20:50:13 · 4 answers · asked by X 1

2007-04-29 20:37:56 · 8 answers · asked by X 1

2007-04-29 20:33:23 · 13 answers · asked by X 1

go to http://www.freewebs.com/harnekh123 the answer is on the same page find the answer and type it in the box and click submit, first person who gets it right wins, clue= it is hidden you have to find it

2007-04-29 20:07:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-29 19:47:24 · 3 answers · asked by Shantell 2

Okay, theres this dead guy, face down, in the desert. He's got a pack on his back, not a backpack, but a pack. How did he die? I'll tell you this right now, he died from the fall.

2007-04-29 19:20:59 · 11 answers · asked by The Zen Master 3

ok so this dog walks into a bar, he says "hey" and the bartender says "yo" and the dog says "yo momma" and the bartender says "what about my mom" and the dog says "your mom is a b*tch and mine is too"


teehee!

2007-04-29 19:20:23 · 16 answers · asked by ? 3

One day a puppy was cruzin out in this old western town peg legged or on three legs rather.Anyway he see's this bar at the end of the town and works his way towards it.When he reaches the two swinging doors at the entrence and burst through them . The bar got instantly quiet and the pup replyed ." Howdy. What I is wanna no is.Who shot ma paw ".

2007-04-29 19:15:59 · 16 answers · asked by rollin1530 1

A husband and wife are lying in bed and the man says, "I'm going to make you the happiest women in the World". The Wife replies, "I'll miss you".

2007-04-29 18:41:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This Joke Cracked Me Up...Tell Me What You Think, Is It Funny To You Too ?


One Thing We Can Do

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankful

2007-04-29 18:26:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mike was going to be married to Karen,

So his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our

honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,and

said,

"Here - try these on."

She did and said,

'These are too big, I can't wear them.

" I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this

family and I always will."

"Ever since that night we never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On

his

honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen,

"Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too

large.

They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always

will. I

don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said,

"Here, you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart *** attitude,

you never will."



And they lived happily ever after

2007-04-29 16:46:01 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a conversation between four souls waiting for the gates of heaven to open....
soul 1: how did you guys die?
s2: i was shot
s3: i got too old
s4: i got all emo and killed myself
then they asked the 1st soul:
how did you die?
s1: my cough killed me
s2: you got tubercolosis?
s1: no!
s3: you got pneumonia?
s1: nope
s4: you had asthma and you weren't able to breathe?
s1: no...
then all together the 2nd 3rd and 4th sould asked
then how?????
S1: i coughed hiding under the bed when the husband of my girlfriend arrived in the midst of our sex activities.. so he killed me..

2007-04-29 15:27:18 · 13 answers · asked by PcH 2

Paddy gets run over by ambulance
He tells his friend Dave to call him an ambulance
Dave replies
"your an ambulance , your an ambulance"

Eventually the ambulance arrives(don't ask how)
and the paramedic asks Dave to support Paddy's head
When Dave jumps up and puts his hands in the air shouting,
"PADDYS HEAD, PADDYS HEAD, PADDY'S HEAD"

2007-04-29 15:18:21 · 15 answers · asked by Glen E 2